Saturday, December 29, 2018

the cats meow

you run and laugh 
and fight like I do 
Is it true? 
are you fearless like the wind 
quick as a hawks wing 
hyena laughter 
half pistol, half moonflower soft 
howling if not singing 
at the swinging moon
do you dream? 
do you dream of dying too? 
or of running in place 
everyone else is 
so close behind,
but never catching up
because independence
 is everything 
and my loneliness
is the cats meow
i’m not afraid to be alone 
or am I?
i feel see through 
i wait for you to notice 
how much of a coward i am
you poke at the thin walls 
i feel fragile and small 
and i hate it all 
watch me bite your head off 
watch me bark and howl 
and laugh at my growl
im better than this 
i don’t dress to impress,
but i won’t look like a mess
and i refuse to digress
somebody’s gotta 
take me seriously 
because i sure don’t

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

july twenty seven

i apologize, for the grief 
when i yelled instead of crying 
when i was loud instead of quiet 
when i pushed you, 
instead of kissing your face 
i apologize for the heaviness
when i piled on the weight

and when i pressured you to move 
when you needed to wait
i am sorry for the walls, 
instead of opening the gate 
and when i turned into stone, 
when you needed a soft face
i know i move too fast,
when you need a slow pace

i know i miss all the details 
and brush over small things 
and i look to the future
then forget where i need to be 
i know i carry a lot
and look down on the weak 
and then i seem to collapse
from the smallest of things 

i know i bulldoze the garden
instead of letting it grow 
i know i feel too much 
and i can’t let it show 
and i tear down the boundaries 
when you expect me to save face 
i know im rocking the boat
and im a kick in the face 

im sorry for the ways
i could be better, i could do more 
im on your side, but sometimes 
i think i make you hurt more
forgive me for the failure 
forgive me for the grief 
forgive me for the anger
forgive me for being me 

as if i hadn’t got your text

I know I’m late responding 
as if i hadn’t got your text 
don’t mean to keep you waiting 
it hasn’t killed you yet
I saw you in the morning 
wrapped up in all your pain 
you keep saying sorry 
and things just stay the same

i will find you

you lit up 
like a fire at blue river 
your smile, made me shiver 
hoping it’s real 
hoping your heart 
is happy and healing 

i will hold you 
i will break through 
the trees and the blue 
just to get through to you 
i will find you 
in this maze 
the drunken days 
were not meant for you 

Saturday, December 22, 2018

nov. 3rd

tripping through the streets 
at 2am 
you hit my face
and i tackled you to the ground
because it’s better to fight 
react and respite
it reminds us we are here
we’re skin and bones 
bruised and bleeding 
sore but getting stronger 
it reminds me the earth still stands beneath 
and the sidewalks and streets 
will carry us home 

outside of the green lady

the feeling is
the wind 
on an autumn morning 
when you feel the cold
when it’s still kind of warm out 
like the blinking water tower
like the awkward traffic 
the people on the corner 
i give them gatorade 
& sometimes money 
even when it feels wrong 
like the fountains on ward parkway 
dyed blue, for the royals
the walls on 71
spray painted red 
for the chiefs 
even though they lost
and the feeling of 
driving by loose park 
so many trees, 
bright with fall colors 
people scattered
for picnics and frisbee 
and photoshoots 
so i drive to swope park 
i watch the sunset
and wonder
if he’s buried beneath the granite  
or under the orange leaves 
and how the waters so pretty
when it moves with the breeze 

winding and restless
i walk the path 
scratched by thorns
stuck with burrs and dried leaves
it feels like home 
it feels like being here yet far away 
i take it in 
i breathe deep 
i take photos of trees 
and empty pools 
and i drive to blue river 
it seems more right
dirty water 
cigarette butts
the crumbling road
settles by the bridge
where we have fires, 
that burn the day away
burns away the memories 
that are too painful 
the day that was too long 
the life that is too confusing. 
& that’s the feeling 
it’s like a sword fight 
outside of the green lady 
it only stings a little 
when you fight with a friend 
& you’re sipping on gin
it’s like jazz, it feels good 
it doesn’t really resolve
but surrounds us at night 
it feels like life
and i feel alright

Friday, December 21, 2018

silver veins

You reached for me 
with arms like tree branches
silver veins 
hands that dripped with stardust 
and gunpowder
you held me 
carried me like the river we swim 
you came closer than the grass underneath
quiet like the sunset 
bright like the stars
you were suddenly there 
the moon has no need for an entrance or announcement
I breathed you in 
like our cigarettes and coffee
there was music in your eyes 
notes drifted into my ears
your knee bounced like a kick drum 
& rhythm quickened my heartbeat 

i do not sing
there’s not much to sing about 
when every other voice around me 
is louder and much more dramatic
 but somehow you hear my quiet voice
and you hear me singing anyways 
you coax it out of me
words that are bright & heavy 


and i ask you questions 
cause it’s hard for me to know, too
just what you’re thinking
it’s like im looking at me 
& id rather talk about my sisters 
about work and music
and all the places we need to go 
& how we’re gonna make to make it there 
but you sit and stare
until i talk about me

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

on my way



i saw you
saw you looking back from where you’re going
don’t know what you need, 
know what you're showing
saw him, 
he that made a fool of all your crying
left you such a mark you swear you’re dying 
but im on my way to where you are
im on my way to where you are 
go home 
ill call you in the morning when i need you
cause i got nothing left id love to feed you
and im on my way to where you are 

written by j taylor 


crack like the pavement

the tears,
they are random 
because i feel okay 
almost all of the time 
then i crack like the pavement 
i melt for a moment 
i stare at the simple, open sky 
and i dream of a place
where the wind never dies 
& tears aren’t so funny 
and rivers are wine 
because i try to find 
a hand to hold mine 
but nobody wants me
no one is mine
i run until i can’t 
i run until my nose bleeds
i run until the pain 
is in my muscles and joints 
and not my head and heart
i grip the steering wheel 
i punch the dash 
i peer through the camera 
and it makes me gasp 
because all of this, 
whether or not it comes into focus 
is so beautiful 
it takes my breath away

Sunday, October 28, 2018

you contain galaxies

i will 
remember the moments
that i saw the real you 
blue eyes
present 
intense and unafraid
your fear of the future 
of the shifting tides
that remind you 
that you are shifting, changing 
barely containing 
this heavy, hovering anger 

i see you 
i see the beautiful, magnificent boy
that is you 
you contain multitudes 
you contain galaxies 
mountains and seas 
storms and gardens 
they seem to contradict 
they seem to hurt everyone 
as they come in waves
but you’re not meant to hurt 
you’re not meant to contain 
you’re meant to channel
all of this energy 
love and emotion
anger and pain 
it’ll turn into music
it’ll turn into pain
life won’t contain you 
life won’t betray 
love won’t control you 
love won’t restrain

faded green

i held in my arms 
the shattered pieces 
my scars have worn down 
i don’t remember my arms before 
the tattoos and scars,
they are a part of me 
i stared at the wall 
at the ceiling fan 
i watched my plants wither away 
and stop blooming 
til they were weak and faded green 
til they looked like me 

Saturday, October 27, 2018

crushed by exposure

somewhere in the neighborhood 
of grit and good intention
i lost my way 
because i was strained through the sieve 
i was crushed by exposure
like the maple leaves
i burst into color 
before falling to the ground
and maybe it’s the weather,
or lack of sleep 
or my worn out boots 
or the ground underneath
maybe it’s the distance 

between you and me

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

retrograde

my heart could burst
my head could explode
it’s funny that, we use these 
morbid or dramatic descriptions
because it seems to me
that our bodies can’t contain, 
can’t maintain 
the worlds within, 
that shift and then
keep us turning, 
orbiting, yearning 
the hearts we carry
bending and burning 
the galaxies that spin
outside us or in
is it bliss or a sin
because id sell my birthright 
to drink a tall glass of gravity.  
maybe im not all right
maybe it’s my sun sign 
or the shadow of myself
that keeps the words inside
& the books on the shelf
maybe it’s because the moon
maybe it’s the way you move
the tide, the sun, the cool shade
maybe it’s mars in retrograde

my heart carries you

you break my heart 
i don’t say that to guilt you
i wish that i built you
as much as i broke you 
as much as i hurt you 

you break my heart 
cause you live in your own world 
i understand that, 
because it only feels safe 
safe from the pain, 
safe from the letdown
but i wish that you’d come out,
i built you a place 

no one can help me (that isn’t true) 
no one can heal me (let me hold you) 
it’s too much to carry (ill share it with you) 
my heart, has a place
my heart carries you 

swell

swing hard 
harder than before, 
i will strengthen my defenses
reinforce the fences
i will smile at the pain 
but speak soft
and tread lightly as you enter 
my hearts starting to splinter 
my wounds begin to swell
like waves, 
or the full moon that moves them
will it burst when it is full? 
will it fall into the ocean? 
i guess it’s waning bit by bit 
and briefly disappears
and im running out of tears 
but im not running from my fears 

the shock of home

young 
not quite touched, 
by grief, by death,
by the shadows cast 
beneath the mountains 
home to the foxes
garden of sunflowers 
and stinging nettles
all seen through the window,
the trains, like clockwork
lace the clean air
with electricity
and shock you with certainty
that you are home
although home has been, 
so many places. 

papi, you’re quiet
your intelligent mind 
is softened by your eyes
maybe you know 
maybe you’re ready? 
tell me your stories
as i fall asleep 
safe and at ease 
though mum is away
distant for so many days. 
mum, your strong soul
resilient and true
focused on something 
maybe you know 
maybe you’re ready, 
for the days ahead. 
did you know your eyes, 
& words in my mind 
they stay with me, 
though space & time 
threaten to wash me,
and erase the past. 

older, but still young 
you are married to your love 
and the road to here,
it’s been so long
and is marked by music
photos and books
sometimes dancing 
and sometimes held
through the sick,
and sad days 
when you ache for home. 
heavy tears have washed, 
the years like watercolor
violet and blues
the most beautiful hues.

don’t paint over the pain,
please don’t cover it up
i need to remember 
i need to know
though i have let go 
i still know her
i still contain the light
i still need the color
that bleeds through the grey 
 
brother sends photos 
of lakes that make you gasp
and wish for that sunset
and papi speaks slow 
both english and swiss german 
stories he’s never told
and it all points to home
although your loves,
they live, so many places
not all of them here 
and it aches when you remember 
you can’t call her on the phone
do you think maybe she’s home,
maybe she really knows?
jasmine & edelweiss 
still on the table
soft and floral, 
breathing deep
the air shocks 
and reminds you, 
that you're still home

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

moonflowers

moonflowers 
quiet, giant 
beneath the waning moon 
high rise apartment
million dollar loft 
borrowed for the weekend 
west side held us 
with steady arms,
on a king sized bed 
surrounded by art
i was following apart
but it all turns to anger 
and i couldn’t stop yawning
because all the fighting 
it makes me tired. 

how do you do it 
how do you love 
the ones you love?
when they’re so spread out 
and they won’t come close
& what are they so afraid of?

moonflowers 
blooming under the stars 
that can’t be seen by the city lights 
you laid your head back, 
and laughed 
then cried 
a tear dripped down your face 
on each side

how do i do it 
how do i be the one 
they will love?
with all my doubt 
it’s hard to come close 
what am i so afraid of? 

Friday, July 27, 2018

dissolve

i want to drown 
she said 
but not like that 
i want to dissolve 
into saltwater arms 
i want to drink
i want it to drink me up 
and turn the pain
into soft, white sand

the sound of the moon

the cards we were dealt 
sometimes make me melt away 
into the sound of the night 
i can’t even hear you say it’s all right 

the sound of the moon
reminds me of june 
but it’s already july
you move so fast,
these days are blurring by

the sound of the moon
the sound of falling apart
the sound of your heart
giving way, finally breaking open

Saturday, July 7, 2018

cicadas

sunlight 
and clarity 
and laughter, 
laughing at sky 
and the wind 
and the sweaty humidity 
that blankets us in 
and sends us running, 
into water 
into something
anything 
to cool us down
i love the summer 
& i hate the bugs
i love the heat, the sunburn 
the porch nights 
the neighbors loud music 
the sirens on the paseo
the crickets &
cicadas humming 
or screaming 
or whatever that sound is 
i love all the white noise 
that we call home 

arrival

those years, they broke you 
the days you weren’t sure
if you would ever walk again 
the tears, they washed you 
as your heart broke, 
and the light and love all spilled out 
not knowing if you’d ever get it back 
as you let go of your life 
and your brother
and everything good 
there were moments you didn’t think
that you would ever talk again. 

the pain, shattered into pieces
it glittered like glass
and turned to something new 
and you kept walking
lonely, but not alone
you didn’t have the strength
to carry the anger, the bitterness
thank god for surrender
thank god for rock bottom,
where we can let go  
and be empty enough, 
to take it all in 
the love of your friends
your mothers laughter 
& the words of your father 
so rightly timed
and the hurt, beautiful family
both heartache and kindness
its funny to sort through 
that tangled mess. 
the imperfect love we’re given,  
it’s really love.

i know it still hurts 
and i can’t imagine 
just what that’s like 
the road that you walk 
it’s bumpy, and it’s beautiful 
and it shapes you anew,
imprinting deeply 
it made you who you are. 

but there’s been this thing,
mysterious as a bird
a quiet prayer 
an expectation, 
so brave, so hopeful
hidden inside you
few words 
not overshared, 
a pearl that cost so much 
it will not be trampled. 
an expectation, a dream 
you saw something in the future 
you couldn’t put your finger on 
just what it was
or who it would be  
but you waited for the day
that it arrived. 
the joy, and the fear 
and the shock was of new love 
life unraveled so quickly 
a heart that is happy,
and still healing, still beating 
accepts this gift 
you were ready for the day, 
when he arrived.




Wednesday, July 4, 2018

i will wrap my arms around today

it’s funny that
each day is new 
but familiar enough 
to feel right and real 

when dawn breaks 
so does my heart, a little 
just enough 
to let grace seep into the cracks 
just enough to soak in, 
this new day 

my arms have stretched wide 
so wide, that they are sore 
they are torn 
from years of living 
i will wrap my arms around today 
i will wrap my arms around you 
i will hold you, i will love you 
but i will let go
i could never keep 
or contain, or control
such divine people 
such wild, beautiful things 
but somehow i can hold them close 

my mind is open
my back is tired
my heart is broken
but it heals bit by bit
my heart is broken, 
just enough, to let it soak in 
all the pain, all the promise 
all the life 
in this new day 

comforter

i sit on the curb 
like so
many times before 
i breathe it in deep
and my throat is a bit choked 
and i clench my teeth
to prevent the tears

What if, 
there’s a comforter 
could I come to him now? 
What if he is, near 
like the dirt 
close, like the grass
itchy on my skin 
what if she is quiet 
like the wind 
steady like the trees 
warm like the pavement 
under my feet 
with eyes that fill with tears 
and not anger. 

i’m not sure what I look for,
because I’ve seen a lot 
and so many beautiful people
it’s not like they aren’t enough
i don’t know what i expect
because i’ve heard it all before 
in screams and yells 
in songs and sermons 
in tearful whispers 
and laughing, lighthearted words 
what if 
there’s a comforter 
who knew just what to say 
or not say 
what if 
they are here 
around, and within 
what if they are with me now.

Friday, June 29, 2018

we stayed up til morning

we stayed up til morning 
threw rocks in the water
talked about your brother 
and the choices he made
that fuck with your emotions 
I talked about my summer 
and how it didn’t go as planned 
how I’m still unraveling 
what I don’t understand 
you talked about your mother 
she’s a person from a movie 
The way she laughs, and talks 
and worries about her kids 
The way she’s so unassuming
but there’s a gleam in her eye 
when she feigns ignorance 
You talked about your lover
and the sadness he sinks into 
and how he acts his way through 
and how you climb out together
with laughter, and wigs, and a party jig
we stayed up all night
til the sky began to brighten 
it takes hours to enlighten
when you realize you’re friends 
i pulled open the blinds 
before i sank into the bed
to glimpse the sun coming up 
in all it’s glorious red