Sunday, November 19, 2017

peripheral

you were a loose cannon 
my little trainwreck
staying in the peripheral
at the edges of my life 
you move fast, 
and drink slow
looking for the right song
and none of them fit

remember that Friday? 
we rode in a helicopter 
i gasped at the view 
i could see beyond this 

remember my birthday? 
i cried at my party
happy and sad
at the same time 
i was looking for the right song
and none of them would fit

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

heavy

i remember 
the dark that was heavy 
hindering, binding 
i couldn’t sleep 

you wrapped me up tight
gentle and right 
spoke to the silence 
with words that i had 
no answer for

sing to my silence
speak over my noise
lift up my head, 
and i will rejoice 


trouble with boys

Your trouble with boys 
hurts like white noise 
wash up on the concrete 
wake and rejoice 

Your trouble with boys
drowning you out 
blurring your colors 
to shadow and doubt

all your trouble with men
stings on the skin 
like a tattoo, begin
with beautiful sin 

i don’t know how to
step into view 
to sink or to swim
to reach out and touch you 

Your trouble with boys
it hurts like the sunrise
somebody’s sunset
somebody’s morning 

i used to know you 
i used to know how
to unearth a smile 
to see you somehow

Monday, November 13, 2017

i know your birthday

Your eyes search 
Looking into me
What do you see? 

Your words speak 
Try to teach me
What reaches me? 

Your hands reach
out to touch me
maybe cautiously 

You come come after me
maybe aimlessly 
like the falling leaves
but they have a fire 
they burn and
they breathe
yellow and gold
wind and relief 

i couldn’t remember
all that you said
my heart doesn’t feel it 
but it’s in my head 
i couldn’t remember 
what I wanted to say
i’m eager to leave
but wanting to stay 

i can’t recall 
the normal things
color of your eyes, 
emotional thing 
i know your blood type
i hear when you sing
i am here, i’m not listening 

i cannot recall 
the easiest things 
tone of your voice, 
color of your skin
i know your birthday
i know your best friend 
i am here, would you stay with me 

Monday, October 9, 2017

So Close

You were so close 
you could see into me
And I didn't like
all the things you could see
You were so close 
I couldn't believe
It hurt if you even tried to touch me 

I was so far
I just couldn’t conceive 
you running and chasing 
and coming for me
I was so dirty
I couldn’t believe
That you hugged me 
and held me 
you won’t let me leave.

Still

sky's still blue 
grass still green 
wind still smooth 
snow still mean 
earth still soft 
road still free
I'm still here 
come to me

New Tattoo

It's sunny in Kansas City 
but my heart still hurts 
like a new tattoo 
like my face in the cold 
in my very first fight 
it was two on one
and I have a mind
that is triggered like a gun 
I have an anger 
that lights me up, 
puts my heart in danger
of giving up 
of going cold, of growing older
my heart still feels 
like a mountain boulder 

it's sunny in Kansas City 
but my heart still stings 
like the slap of the waves 
salt on the wounds
pain that it brings

but you are the bedrock 
on which I stand 
you are the rock 
in the city of sand 
my roots are deep
I will not fold 
but I need a fathers 
hand to hold

Boy

You were still reeling from losing your father
& talking with me was a cold glass of water
you weren't ok, tried to keep it together
we held on tight and outran the weather

The Sound

You 
Are the feeling 
Of seeing the first star
by the car 
In the city,
where we can't see many
You 
are the porch
on a summer night 
gunshots  
in the city,
where the boys are ready
You 
Are the sound
of cicadas and fans
And all of the white noise 
That we call home

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Tourist

You never thought
you never dreamed 
to see things bursting 
at the seams
Your smile real 
Your eyes are true 
But it's just
Overtaking you 

I didn't plan
my life to be
to play just like 
a funny movie 
I guess you're just 
a sight to see
and I'm a tourist
passing through 
to watch the show 
and never have you 
I didn't know 
my life would feel 
just quite like this 
but no one did 

I don't mean to play the victim 
I can't see beyond the friction 
the low is dark, the high is heaven
you come and go and come again
I don't think you're an addiction 
but you just seem to take, no giving

I'm just a tourist passing through
to see the sights and never have you 

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Kissed by the Sun

You're looking better 
Kissed by the sun 
(yeah, but you can't see 
the things I've done)
You're looking brighter 
Have you finally won? 
(You can't imagine, all that needs redone)

August

We were laying by the pool 
I was running with a 
Ferocious pace
Keeping you at arms length 
Because it hurt too much

I wish I was better  
I wish I was brave 
But I am going
To need more grace 

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

You

You bring 
joy to the morning 
a feeling of ease
in a dark storm 
You bleed 
into the mourning 
covering up 
my scarred arms
you turn 
pain into warning 
prodding and turning
my heart back home

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Cascades

Don't be afraid 
Of cascades 
They'll come 
in Ribbons of color 
Shimmering, shuddering 
Small rivers running 
Blue In the veins 

Don't be afraid 
Of promenades 
Of glittering shame
It'll come
In skies and in wonder 
disguising and thundering 
Small storms tumbling
Red in the veins 

Don't be afraid
Of cascades
They'll come 
In currents of color
Crying and wondering
Small rivers running
Blue in the veins 

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Arrow

A quiver full of arrows
chosen for you
I was the sharpest,
I flew the fastest
Into your heart 
To join the rest of your wounds

Thursday, April 27, 2017

46 stitches

46 stitches 
Is not enough 
to fix this heart 
grant me relief 
grant me restart 
hope and belief 
just torn apart 

it was trust in me 
it was all of my doing
what's built on me
becomes my undoing

I kicked 
I screamed 
I fought relentlessly 
And finally 
Finally 
You've broken me

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Walking on Air

There are not enough words
To engage your attention
To measure and gauge 
This constant affliction 
All that I've done 
It plays in my head
Feeds in a loop
What I haven't said 
Turns into desire
Call it attraction
The bed of a man
Grants me distraction

So grant me relief 
I know something's wrong
Not that I feel it, 
All feelings gone
But I see it within me 
Internal bleeding 
Silent and subtle
All that I'm needing
So I hold my head up 
I hold it together
Take the edge off
Adapt to the weather
Breath and keep breathing
Try hard to care 
And going to work 


Is walking on air 

Monday, April 24, 2017

Free Fall

Free fall 
Into the emptiness 
Respond 
to the brokenness 
Reach out 
And touch this 
Make my bed 
In the valley 
of pilgrims regress 

Steady, rushing river 
Ease my tangled mind
Smooth my restless wounds 
And would you wash me within?
No new road 
Could grant me restart
No amount of rain
Could cleanse this heart.  

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Trust

Come on 
Will you trust me? 
Let go of all doubting 
Jump off of that empty bridge 
Into my direction 

Come on 
Don't you know me? 
I know you completely 
Step off of that cliff 
Into my perfection

Come on
Don't you trust me? 
It hurts that you just don't 
Jump off of that lonely ledge 
Into my affection

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Silver Heart

steady hazel eyes 
just like our father
you can see through the lies
you can feel through the rubble
steady silver heart 
just hidden from view
you've seen so many sunsets 
they just soaked into you 

I've seen you cry 
when you laugh too hard
I've seen you sleep
In the middle of the yard 
I saw you frown 
In that subtle way 
I saw you smile 
and it lit up the day

ER

I hold still 
and feel her rinse my wounds 
over and over again 
Each time the pain is fresh. 
Blonde hair and blue eyes
like me 
she is focused on the skin 
quietly answering my questions
Do you enjoy it? Do you like doing sutures?
stitch my skin up 
yeah, stitches are simple and easy 
it's one of the more enjoyable things

Depths

You cannot measure 
The depths of my depravity
You cannot wrap your arms around 
The width of this pain




And this I pray 
That you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend
what is the breadth and length 
and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Monday, April 17, 2017

April Rain

April came
like a heavy rain 
reminders of pain
and the reasons why 

April rain 
to wash the stain 
future grace 
and a bluer sky

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Realistic

The scars on my arms 
Make me look more realistic 
Because the inside of my heart
Looks nothing like the pictures 

Friday, February 24, 2017

It's never enough

It's never enough 
She said 
you have it once, 
And you want it again 
And the happiness is fake 
there's a sense of sadness 
In the numbing madness 
The pain is there 
Inside my heart
And coming down
Is the hardest part 

Monday, January 30, 2017

I can't live this way

I can't live this way 
She said 
My body is tired 
of the heavy loads 
the winding road 
was meant to be walked 
steady and free
not running on empty