snowy in kansas city

it’s snowy in Kansas City

but I still see the sun

shine bright on the morning

wake up, and cry  

 

I know that song 

that song reminds me 

reminds me to try 

to see through your eyes 

it’s snowy in Kansas City

but I still see the sun 

I was up before morning 

I woke up to cry 

enough

I feel light 

and heavy 

at the same time 

I keep running, and working 

moving faster

to keep in time 

with my wild mind  

I keep running

But I can’t seem to stand

I can’t seem to stand 

The floor feels better 

The floor holds me 

as I fall apart

It feels like blood

But it’s just tears, 

Dripping from my eyes

I don’t feel sad, angry or mad

but I guess Im just broken

I guess I’ve just had 

Enough

weight of the world

You laid down 

your head resting

You were quiet 

And decided 

That you were done

Lay your head 

again my dear 

against the wood 

Look at the sky

sharp blue and soft clouds

Look at your life 

and all you hold onto

You don’t have to carry 

The weight of the world

plans for me

All your testimonies 

Are written on my arms 

Written in the stars

Your plans for me 

last day in november

i don’t mind 

golden leaves 

leaving trees

reaching out 

reminding me 

i can’t see 

anything 

beyond the photos 

that’s the past 

but i don’t remember 

its the last 

day in November 

night swallows day

I will be here 

I’ll prop you up, 

in a makeshift way 

I’ll help you stand

when night swallows day 

peripheral

you were a loose cannon 
my little trainwreck

staying in the peripheral

at the edges of my life 

you move fast, 

and drink slow

looking for the right song

and none of them fit

remember that Friday? 

we rode in a helicopter 

i gasped at the view 

i could see beyond this 

remember my birthday? 

i cried at my party

happy and sad

at the same time 

i was looking for the right song

and none of them would fit

heavy

i remember 

the dark that was heavy 

hindering, binding 

i couldn’t sleep 

you wrapped me up tight

gentle and right 

spoke to the silence 

with words that i had 

no answer for

sing to my silence

speak over my noise

lift up my head, 

and i will rejoice 

trouble with boys

Your trouble with boys 

hurts like white noise 

wash up on the concrete 

wake and rejoice 

Your trouble with boys

drowning you out 

blurring your colors 

to shadow and doubt

all your trouble with men

stings on the skin 

like a tattoo, begin

with beautiful sin 

i don’t know how to

step into view 

to sink or to swim

to reach out and touch you 

Your trouble with boys

it hurts like the sunrise

somebody’s sunset

somebody’s morning 

i used to know you 

i used to know how

to unearth a smile 

to see you somehow

i know your birthday

Your eyes search 

Looking into me

What do you see? 

Your words speak 

Try to teach me

What reaches me? 

Your hands reach

out to touch me

maybe cautiously 

You come come after me

maybe aimlessly 

like the falling leaves

but they have a fire 

they burn and

they breathe

yellow and gold

wind and relief 

i couldn’t remember

all that you said

my heart doesn’t feel it 

but it’s in my head 

i couldn’t remember 

what I wanted to say

i’m eager to leave

but wanting to stay 

i can’t recall 

the normal things

color of your eyes, 

emotional thing 

i know your blood type

i hear when you sing

i am here, i’m not listening 

i cannot recall 

the easiest things 

tone of your voice, 

color of your skin

i know your birthday

i know your best friend 

i am here, would you stay with me 

So Close

You were so close 

you could see into me

And I didn't like

all the things you could see

You were so close 

I couldn't believe

It hurt if you even tried to touch me 

I was so far

I just couldn’t conceive 

you running and chasing 

and coming for me

I was so dirty

I couldn’t believe

That you hugged me 

and held me 

you won’t let me leave.

Still

sky's still blue 

grass still green 

wind still smooth 

snow still mean 

earth still soft 

road still free

I'm still here 

come to me

New Tattoo

It's sunny in Kansas City 

but my heart still hurts 

like a new tattoo 

like my face in the cold 

in my very first fight 

it was two on one

and I have a mind

that is triggered like a gun 

I have an anger 

that lights me up, 

puts my heart in danger

of giving up 

of going cold, of growing older

my heart still feels 

like a mountain boulder 

it's sunny in Kansas City 

but my heart still stings 

like the slap of the waves 

salt on the wounds

pain that it brings

but you are the bedrock 

on which I stand 

you are the rock 

in the city of sand 

my roots are deep

I will not fold 

but I need a fathers 

hand to hold

Boy

You were still reeling from losing your father

& talking with me was a cold glass of water

you weren't ok, tried to keep it together

we held on tight and outran the weather

The Sound

You 

Are the feeling 

Of seeing the first star

by the car 

In the city,

where we can't see many

You 

are the porch

on a summer night 

gunshots  

in the city,

where the boys are ready

You 

Are the sound

of cicadas and fans

And all of the white noise 

That we call home

Tourist

You never thought

you never dreamed 

to see things bursting 

at the seams

Your smile real 

Your eyes are true 

But it's just

Overtaking you 

I didn't plan

my life to be

to play just like 

a funny movie 

I guess you're just 

a sight to see

and I'm a tourist

passing through 

to watch the show 

and never have you 

I didn't know 

my life would feel 

just quite like this 

but no one did 

I don't mean to play the victim 

I can't see beyond the friction 

the low is dark, the high is heaven

you come and go and come again

I don't think you're an addiction 

but you just seem to take, no giving

I'm just a tourist passing through

to see the sights and never have you 

Kissed by the Sun

You're looking better 

Kissed by the sun 

(yeah, but you can't see 

the things I've done)

You're looking brighter 

Have you finally won? 

(You can't imagine, all that needs redone)

August

We were laying by the pool 

I was running with a 

Ferocious pace

Keeping you at arms length 

Because it hurt too much

I wish I was better  

I wish I was brave 

But I am going

To need more grace 

You

You bring 

joy to the morning 

a feeling of ease

in a dark storm 

You bleed 

into the mourning 

covering up 

my scarred arms

you turn 

pain into warning 

prodding and turning

my heart back home

Cascades

Don't be afraid 

Of cascades 

They'll come 

in Ribbons of color 

Shimmering, shuddering 

Small rivers running 

Blue In the veins 

Don't be afraid 

Of promenades 

Of glittering shame

It'll come

In skies and in wonder 

disguising and thundering 

Small storms tumbling

Red in the veins 

Don't be afraid

Of cascades

They'll come 

In currents of color

Crying and wondering

Small rivers running

Blue in the veins 

Arrow

A quiver full of arrows

chosen for you

I was the sharpest,

I flew the fastest

Into your heart 

To join the rest of your wounds

46 stitches

46 stitches 

Is not enough 

to fix this heart 

grant me relief 

grant me restart 

hope and belief 

just torn apart 

it was trust in me 

it was all of my doing

what's built on me

becomes my undoing

I kicked 

I screamed 

I fought relentlessly 

And finally 

Finally 

You've broken me

Walking on Air

There are not enough words

To engage your attention

To measure and gauge 

This constant affliction 

All that I've done 

It plays in my head

Feeds in a loop

What I haven't said 

Turns into desire

Call it attraction

The bed of a man

Grants me distraction

So grant me relief 

I know something's wrong

Not that I feel it, 

All feelings gone

But I see it within me 

Internal bleeding 

Silent and subtle

All that I'm needing

So I hold my head up 

I hold it together

Take the edge off

Adapt to the weather

Breath and keep breathing

Try hard to care 

And going to work 

Is walking on air 

Free Fall

Free fall 

Into the emptiness 

Respond 

to the brokenness 

Reach out 

And touch this 

Make my bed 

In the valley 

of pilgrims regress 

Steady, rushing river 

Ease my tangled mind

Smooth my restless wounds 

And would you wash me within?

No new road 

Could grant me restart

No amount of rain

Could cleanse this heart.  

Trust

Come on 

Will you trust me? 

Let go of all doubting 

Jump off of that empty bridge 

Into my direction 

Come on 

Don't you know me? 

I know you completely 

Step off of that cliff 

Into my perfection

Come on

Don't you trust me? 

It hurts that you just don't 

Jump off of that lonely ledge 

Into my affection

Silver Heart

steady hazel eyes 

just like our father

you can see through the lies

you can feel through the rubble

steady silver heart 

just hidden from view

you've seen so many sunsets 

they just soaked into you 

I've seen you cry 

when you laugh too hard

I've seen you sleep

In the middle of the yard 

I saw you frown 

In that subtle way 

I saw you smile 

and it lit up the day

ER

I hold still 

and feel her rinse my wounds 

over and over again 

Each time the pain is fresh. 

Blonde hair and blue eyes

like me 

she is focused on the skin 

quietly answering my questions

Do you enjoy it? Do you like doing sutures?

stitch my skin up 

yeah, stitches are simple and easy 

it's one of the more enjoyable things

Depths

You cannot measure 

The depths of my depravity

You cannot wrap your arms around 

The width of this pain

And this I pray 

That you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend

what is the breadth and length 

and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

April Rain

April came

like a heavy rain 

reminders of pain

and the reasons why 

April rain 

to wash the stain 

future grace 

and a bluer sky

Realistic

The scars on my arms 

Make me look more realistic 

Because the inside of my heart

Looks nothing like the pictures 

It's never enough

It's never enough 

She said 

you have it once, 

And you want it again 

And the happiness is fake 

there's a sense of sadness 

In the numbing madness 

The pain is there 

Inside my heart

And coming down

Is the hardest part 

I can't live this way

I can't live this way 

She said 

My body is tired 

of the heavy loads 

the winding road 

was meant to be walked 

steady and free

not running on empty