Wednesday, December 22, 2021

all of the sudden

 it’s like right under my skin

like can you see it

can everyone see it

embarrassed, annoyance, pain 


i’m running now

i’m running again

finally 

i’m finally able to breathe as deep as i need to 

gasp as much as i need to- 

feel the pain in my chest

how much it hurts  

and how deep the hurt is


nov 15

Thursday, November 4, 2021

may 7th

 i thought i saw your reflection

i thought i heard your voice

does that happen to you too?

pink and clay

pink and clay 

sand and bright blue

turquoise, like your spirit 

pricked by the agave 

my bruises make sense 

my cuts are from something 

my scars are faded 

i wonder if anyone sees them

do they make me tough

or make me weak

hold me up to the light 

this is me, this is me

i don’t have more

i’ve told all my stories

my head feels inside out

you can see anything


aug 7

Tuesday, May 25, 2021

GF. May 25th, 2020.

 the air feels different 

the heat feels different 

my body feels humid, heavy, sad

the buzz of electric anger, energy

adrenaline blur

yelling til my voice was gone

up all night with widest eyes

every car was terror

every face was a question

is this a nightmare 

is this a dream


growth won’t be taken away

everyone will remember your name

but shouldn’t have to

you are not a martyr

you are not a hero

you were a man that deserved to live

your life was meant to be long

it was meant to be full

quiet, known by a few

maybe ending in gentle old age

with only a few saying your name


everything changed

after you were killed

and it never should have

i know things grow

from death and decay 

that the earth moves on

roots develop

green pushes up, out of soil 

that is made up of past

made up of fallen, curled up

decomposing plants

that used to bear fruit 


i know things grow

from death and decay

everything changed

after you were killed

and that never should have happened

Sunday, May 2, 2021

i should have yelled your name.

 you are still sunshine 

it looks different, 

filtered through the water

you carry music. passing out beers.

your laugh scatters

on the first summer night. 

no time, but we made time

we didn’t know it was the last. 

dig in the dirt, laugh about the past

all your dreams and plans

all the places you need to skate 

you provoke the ones you love

to see them learn to fight. i feel that

you chose a plant for your mama

god that made you smile.

it’s still sitting in your backyard. 

flame red orange coleus. 

don’t wait til i’m dead

to put me on a t-shirt

well it seems there was no time

no time, no time 

this garden is yours

your spirit is all over 

a permanent imprint

your laugh scatters

i know zoe’s tears won’t stop

because she kind of raised you

the dogs already miss you

we can’t reach your friends

where’s cam? 

was that the last time he saw you? 

planting in our garden. 

i saw you skate by just yesterday

blasting your music

i jumped up and waved

i should have yelled your name. 

where are you, sunshine boy?

 where are you, sunshine

where are you, sunshine boy

you’re in the river 

she said you’re in the river

that can’t be 

where are you sunshine?

you gotta play a show this friday 

 you’ll let us in for free. 

they can’t find you though. 

“i’m waiting for him to walk in & say 

he had the craziest fuckin night.”

they can’t find you

where are you sunshine boy?

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

pink from dust

push your finger through me

i have become liquid

i am cloud on the horizon 

pink from dust

push your finger through me 

i have become empty and slow

the pain has leaked out

the expectation low

i am left with a window 

look through it 

and see 

the sound of my spirit

 i heard the sound

the sound of my spirit 

cold air

stillness never noticed

calm, quiet

the moon is motionless

stars hang, waiting, watching

i heard the sound 

the sound of my spirit

and it’s hurting 


alley as long as a train, 

lights over most of it

the squares, cracks, gravel, pavement

i’ve ran freely and angry, 

fuming and manic, 

crying and laughing

me and my love have walked 

and fought 

and picked flowers

and gathered stuff 

out of the trash

we’ve walked and talked

looked forward

avoided each other’s eyes

held hands

it’s different in the dark

maybe more familiar 

one of the many roads we’ve walked 

we’ll walk so many more 

mothers

 

did you know that mothers 

maybe touch the deepest 

feel your heartbeat, still

feel you kick against

your surroundings 


did you know that mothers

maybe hurt you the most

hit you where you feel it

deep down, in the space 

where your lovable self is

where your heart beats


nov. 17th

on the edge of 28 years

it’s a little achy

i hold my breath in, even slightly

even when i’m relaxed

i’ve wanted to be older

i’ve thanked the stars, 

shocked that i’m here another year

and i want to be here every year

but it still feels strange

and i still don’t like my birthday 

but i want it

it’s uncomfortable, all the love

the words, the attention

lucky to have it, many dont 

it’s just what i want, what i don’t want

just what i need

but i don’t need anything 



when you touch me, 

my earth cracks

my muscles breathe

my heart beats

when you love me,

it shocks me

you are love- 

but i’m shocked it’s me here

in your waterfall

splashing my face 

in that healing 

that safety


i can’t think about getting older

i can’t think about one of us leaving

because neither one of us would be okay

a permanent change 

i could build a life, make a way

find beauty and experience

the way you’ve taught me so much about 

but i think about that,

and i feel the earth flip

i already feel the wound,

that’s bigger than the sky 



Wednesday, August 12, 2020

do you know we’ll fall in love

 you walk softly

“follow me, i want to show you something”
dark night, marked by bright lights
white moonflowers, they seem to glow
overlooking the city
that i grew tall in
the city you call home,
even if for a moment

do you know we’ll fall in love
do you know what the next year holds
a dark day, a painful face
then love that eclipses,
overshadows
then brightens this
and opens the way

you walk softly
you are more excited &curious 
than anyone else in the world
follow me, i’ll show you something
lilacs bloom, overlooking the highway 
running through the city, 
that you grew up in
the smell is overwhelming
your eyes are bright

do you know, we’re still falling in love
do you know all the things,
the next year holds
i’d walk through anything
when it hurts, when it’s bliss
i’ll take on anything,
with you, my love 

i was so soft that you could crush me

 i was drunk 

i was so soft
that you could crush me, 
if you wanted to
i was see through 
and i listened to you
you pushed on the bruises
you poked holes in every argument
you poured salt on my wounds
vinegar, you said it was cleansing 
that truth means love
hard love 

and i would rather
take a blade to my wrist 
than your fucking judas kiss

fits into no box

 i don’t give a fuck

about your well meaning
sweetly intended
light hearted prayers
when you ignore the truth 
when you turn a blind eye
to the pain, to the dark deep black 
that fits into no box
that cannot be understood 

i do not smile for you

 i will not open up

to just everyone

you will miss me 
you will hate me 
i do not smile for you
laugh for you
not warm or kind or story telling 

i do not exist in your boundaries 
i do not follow rules

i’ll follow my gut 
i’ll laugh in your face
and i’ll laugh at the fool
who trusts somebody

i do not exist in your boundaries
i walk within my own fortress
i will let few into my inner circle.  

depth

they say the depth of my sorrow 
could be the depth of my joy 
and it runs deep.

Friday, May 8, 2020

there is no place

do you regret it
or was this the plan.
not stepping in.
the smallest shift
of time
and space 
moving violence,
to another place
where it is karma,
where it is due
or to a dead end
a black hole
sins hidden 
at the bottom of the sea.

but there is no place. 
there is no space.
maybe someone 
deserves the karma,
the hate.
but violence spreads violence
hurt to hurt to hate to hate
darkness to darkness 
pain spreading pain.

there is no place 
there is no place

spring called

spring called 
I had never heard her voice like that. 
cracked with sorrow. 
a ninth sister
she sings with tears
asks the sky questions
like why did god hide
from the violence, in fear. 
everything is green, growing. 
the trees flower 
the flowers still bloom,
their sweet colors
soothe the sadness.
their contrast pricks.
bitterness softens, again, again.
softens to quiet.
reveals the grief.

hot sun, brown our shoulders.
melt ice in the coffee.
blue sky, backdrop our cigarette smoke. 
lean in and listen. to our talks.
we talk of change. of plans. of days.
not said outright,
but we talk of pain.

magnolias flower

magnolias flower
it’s spring and i 
am breathing differently.
night walks 
scavenge for lilies and peonies
notice the empty
ache in my mind. 
the words have drained 
replaced by a hunger. 
a silent hope. not turned to thought yet 

magnolia flower, 
it’s spring and i, 
am split on the inside. 

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

one year, my tangerine

one year
full of everything
favorite color, 
my tangerine
yellow sapphire 
warm window,
flung open  
cold hands,
recent thaw 
you’re in the soft dirt
turning over
ready for new growth
i love how you shake things up
and bring them to life. 
i love the way you see. 
squinted eyes,
realize
im your tiger
you’re my bird
or sometimes
the other way around.
you look at me, 
like you look at the garden
i’m the luckiest honey.  
i tackle you to the ground 
& you kiss my face. 


Monday, April 27, 2020

morning moon

morning moon
possibly my favorite
bright against deep blue 
fading into background
as sunrise arrives

morning moon
crystal crescent
or fading half
sharp as my spirit 
soft as my thoughts 
simple and tired
still dreaming. 

morning moon
kisses me softly 
i forget last night 
little sleep, still relief
greets me again 
it seems like we
are the only two awake
morning moon
possibly my favorite moon. 


Wednesday, March 11, 2020

betrayal pt 2

i will be confronted
slapped by betrayal
please say it to my face
i would rather take 
a blade to my wrist
than your fucking judas kiss
soft on my cheek
heavy in my guts. 
the deepest cuts. 

i will be kissed by pain
life, physical, visceral
heavy with, 
abuse and affection
life, physical, visceral
we dance with it
my body keeps score
it reminds me
of what i forget.

betrayal pt 1

i will be kissed by pain
i will suck on the lips of heartbreak
i will face death
and the impact
the weight
i will walk with silence
and the deafening sound
of blurry questions.

it pushes my temples
it chokes me.
strangle me, not her
how can i carry it? 
what can i do.
where do i scream
and rage
i want to punch the walls
but they punch me.
i have pushed my emotions
but they push me.
they hit me
and you can’t hit them back.
if you hit, you hit yourself
or someone else.

gray against the morning

my head is fog 
my breath is fog
gray against the morning
thoughts against the grain
of how i want this day to be
we start our days
we make our way
but we don’t plan for trouble
we don’t expect,
the things that come. 

pressed from within and without

do you know 
i was strained through a sieve
filtered and combed through
you pushed me
so i would give up.
i was drained by your search
to find fault and discrepancy.
i was pressed,
from within and without
til i stopped pushing it
you say trust my gut
but i dont feel it tug anymore.