Monday, December 19, 2016

Navy Green

You were a sky
like the Fourth of July
When we first met
I spoke for the first time 
And you heard me 
When I cried the first time, 
you kissed me 
When I left for the first time, 
you missed me 
I was a shield 
tightly guarded 
in self preservation 
But you, 
You were an open door 
You wanted to throw
your arms around the world 
You cried about the things 
That I didn't even notice  
And you wrote about the things 
I couldn't even see
you saw colors like navy green

But life happened 
It came in like a wrecking ball
And broke every window 
in your hotel heart 
I've watched you fall apart 
It's slow and it's pretty 
It's not very noticeable, 
unless you look closely 
The cracks in your heart 
Are the fault lines the threaten 
The very earth might give way 
So I pray for the day
That you cry and you say 
I can't live this way

October Wind

What is the color 
of wind in October 
what would you call
The sound
of a baby's laugh?
it has the strength 
of all the fountains
in Kansas City 
but it's gentle 
like October wind 

What would you say
to make him turn this way 
what name do you call 
the one 
who made babies laugh 
I'm dying of thirst 
I'll drink anything first 
all the fountains 
in Kansas City 
but he's gentle 
like October wind 

"If you knew who I was
You would ask for a drink 
and I would give you living water."

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Growing Up

Newly born 
I felt like an infant among adults 
Small and weak, in a tall, strong crowd 
The world was brand new 
And I cried so hard
Pain and joy, mingled into one 

Thank you for your patience, 
As I learn to walk
I fall, and fall again, and you help me up 
You call me forward, hands outstretched 
I don't feel ashamed 
Because you're my mother,
and I'm learning to walk 

Thank you for your eyes  
As I learn to run
I trip, and fall hard, and you help me up 
You look me in the eyes, and call my name 
I don't feel ashamed 
Because you're my father 
and I'm learning to walk 

Newly born 
I am a child among children 
Faithful and trusting, in a tall, noisy crowd
This world, our temporary home 
And I cry so hard
Joy and pain, mingled into one 

Tuesday, November 22, 2016


I was crippled 
Shriveled and sad
But you commanded me 
Shook me off my sickbed
I picked up my mat and walked 

I was dangerous 
reckless and angry
Self destructive, at the tombs 
But you showed me mercy
Clothed me and calmed me 
I was made clean 

I was born blind 
and utterly sinful 
but you opened my eyes
washed me clean 
To glorify You 

I was sick 
Mentally ill 
Heartbroken, still 
But you called me daughter 
Wrote in the dust 
And sent me, forgiven 

I was dead 
wrapped in grave clothes
The one you loved 
You wept in sadness 
Then called my name
And walked me home 

I was crucified 
A thief next to you 
miserable shame 
I called your name 
Remember me, Lord
Nothing to give 
and still you forgive 
dying, I Live

Monday, November 21, 2016


I took my first breath
a cold, sharp gasp
bursting into the world
terribly bright and warm 
I made a fist 
around your finger 
holding on
The first words I heard
Were yours 

I took my first breath
a dark, smoky feeling 
drowning in the world 
wonderfully painful and dark 
I made a fist 
gave you the finger 
hanging on
all the words I heard 
Were mine 

I awoke 
and took my first breath
a cold, startling gasp 
breaking into the world 
Terribly bright and new
I make a fist
around your finger 
I hold on tight 
And the first words I hear 
Are yours 


I am sin
dust and skin
I open doors and let it in
I ran away and tried to breathe 
But lungs weren't made for skies like these
Born to live and fall apart 
Born to die, and to restart
I walk the line of resurrection
My emptiness for your affection

Thursday, November 17, 2016


The heaviness 
with hands on my temples 
grips my attention 
blurs my focus 
grasping for the heart within 
I hammock in the stillness
sleeping to pass the time 
cradled in darkness 
dreams are pain 
and waking is painful 
memories are real 
life is surreal 
so why am I 
Alone in the darkness
I don't mind the headache 
the migraine is heavy 
sunlight hurts
I cling to the words 
that a man once wrote 
alone in a cave 
cradled in darkness 
I'll sing them again 
and keep on at this 
"my light, my rock
you are my fortress"

Saturday, October 22, 2016


My heart broke 
like the sea I remember 
Sun drops low, 
sinks into September 

My heart choked
when I saw your face 
It sent shivers of pain 
To rivers of grace 

Monday, October 3, 2016


I've felt the knife 
pieces of shattered glass
color my skin 
til it pooled and ran
in small, red rivers 

I've felt the shame 
it knows my full name 
I feed the drama 
I swim in trauma 

I'm starving 
and nothing fills me up 
My heart is sick 
I love me 
And I hate me 
turn, and keep turning

I turn to you, my strong father
I thought for a minute I wasn't your daughter 

I turn to you, my living water 
my terrifying savior 
nothing is comfortable 
nothing is easy 
nothing is safe 
but your joy I have tasted

Sunday, October 2, 2016


stress the potion
the devotion 
navigate this 
redirect and don't negate 
the fact that I am calibrating 
every word you're celebrating 
every source and sorcerer 
little sleep and little peace 
we're trying just to understand
trying just to fall asleep 
all the new perspective 
driving back from dallas 
we're drinking every bottle
in the basement of the palace

Friday, September 23, 2016


The magic of the first time, 
I never felt again 
I hate to see you seeing, 
The stitches on my skin 

Summer flew 
And landed somewhere
The place where lost things go 
I wonder if you're living
With someone or alone 

The pain of the first time 
I feel again, again 
I'd love to see you loving 
Someone outside your skin 

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Summer Sweat

Summer let
Us unravel again 
Fall into sin 
Swim in the deep end 
And come up for air 

Summer sweat 
Your words are irrelevant 
Lying here 
It's the same, but different 
You tell me you want it 
But I know you don't

Summer spent
Everything I gave it
Time is the payment
Of late nights and pavement
100 sunsets
I awoke next to you 

Don't Hide

I don't pretend to know 
The pain that you feel 
The bitter appeal 
Memories still real

I don't pretend to think 
Your thoughts (you don't speak)
I'll question and prod 
To pry them free 

I don't pretend to have 
a place in the space 
that you hold deep inside
But I won't let you hide

No Stars in the City

On a new rooftop 
I stare at the sky 
blurry black
no stars in the city 
no tears for the angry
no rest for the weary 

I called before 
You answered each time 
I was shocked 
We talked again 
For 23 minutes 
Which is longer 
than I've talked with my dad 
In the last year 

You stopped by 
Just to say hi 
I held my breath 
Self conscious 
Of every movement, every step 
dirt on my skin and word that I said 
You held me close 
Til I stopped squirming 
Until I relaxed
And hugged you back 

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Brown Eyes

I believe in your future 
I believe in the sunset ahead of you
the road that's behind you 
Will straighten out

I believe in your voice 
You'll sing again 
Your Brown eyes, warm 
Your fathers grin 
I believe your eyes will cry again 

I believe in the river in your blood 
I believe in the stars that sing above 
You just have to keep on asking, love

July 14th, 2015

I'm sorry I was far away 
I'm sorry I was disengaged 
I'm sorry for the tidal wave 

The pain pressed tightly from all sides 
The darkness finally reached my eyes
and in the mirror, I realized 
a face I didn't recognize 

I held my world inside a fist 
You were a face I wouldn't kiss 
I fell again, only to miss 
the lesson in the mess of this 

I'm sorry I was underage 
I'm sorry I was renegade 
I'm sorry for the price you paid 

The earth was tipping towards you
My life was slipping out of reach 
I tried to fall apart 
But tried to hold it underneath 

I'm sorry I was see through 
I'm sorry I could not break through 
I'm sorry I couldn't carry you 

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Family Resemblance

I want to live for you
not just exist, like a lizard in the sun 
but really live 
diving deep 
silver in the river 
splashing and swimming
and flipping my tail 

I want to cry for you 
not just feel sorry 
but rivers inside me 
smoothing, eroding 
the jagged rocks 

I want to feel you 
not momentary emotion 
but earthquakes that shatter 
and shock my heart to life 

I want to find you 
not just a book 
but a path through the woods
blood on my knees 
looking for seeds 
to grow in the garden. 

I want to be you 
not just a friend
Your blood in my veins 
Your words in my mind 
My family, they walk and talk like you 
People will tell me I'm looking like you 
I will just tell them 
It's not me, it's you 

Sunday, March 6, 2016


(one year ago) 

the map is inside me 
the lines divide the states of mind 
I recall and replay 
every place that felt like home 
every time I felt okay 
I need a father to remind me I am young 
I need a little sister to show me I am older
I need an intervention 
to derail the train I'm on 
I need a mother just to 
hold me when I try to run 
my need 
for nicotine 
for wandering 
for everything 
can you just color me
make me 
a sight to see 
my shattered 
self esteem 
my blue eyes 
are watering 
the way you 
walk with me 
the hill top 
is soft beneath 
the stars are just whispering 
trying not to bother me 
I can't 
explain these things 
i don't want to be so mean
questions are threatening
i just want to learn to breathe 

Saturday, February 20, 2016


It's in the wind 
It's on the way back home 
It's on your face 
When I mention windows
And how the light
is making all things grow 

It's in the dirt 
When I'm struggling through 
to plant the seeds 
and try to salvage you
If you could see 
I'd like to see you through 
I understand 
My heart is hurting too 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016


I asked for a house and you gave me a home
I asked for a sign and you gave me road

I needed a door and you gave me a key 
I needed a drink and you gave me the sea

I wanted a note and you gave me a song
I wanted a map and you said come along 

I looked for a shield and you gave me a friend 
I reached for control and you gave me your hand