i apologize for not knowing

I woke up
with pain in my chest,
and words in my mind
I was found at the bottom
I did not know,
that I could get any lower
I was found at the point
where the sun does not shine
it is one place,
in the middle of the ocean
covered in water
I felt such fear- I don’t swim well
but there’s a place to stand
just under the surface
a place for my feet
such a relief
because I am afraid of drowning.
I tried to take my life
three times, but each time
you stopped me
I did not know
I could stay in this life
now I choose to live,
I know it’s right
to be a friend to the friendless
to stay alive for my sisters
for them, and for me
because I need a friend
and I need my sisters
to hold me up.

I did not know
there was pain this deep
I didn’t know
that I would lose the thing
that I gave my life for
that I would open up
to be seen, and known
and that my soul
is one too broken to be bear
that my reckless mind
is too wild to contain
in this religion
too restless to sit
in solemn services.
I am friendless
and worn thin from uncertainty
not a friend to myself
or sight to see
I am not special
or different
not better or worse
my pain is my own
and it is not much
compared to the people
that weigh heavy on my heart
I don’t want to fix them
I don’t want to be fixed
I just want to share
in the life we live.

I did not know
that everything ends
and that each day
is a place to begin
I did not think
I could start again
the clearest blue
the softest wind
a bright new way
the stuff behind me
is not held against me
but it shaped me,
broke me, made me who I am
and at this place
I will find a friend
I did not know- I could not even hope for it
and I apologize for not knowing.