we stayed up til morning

we stayed up til morning 

threw rocks in the water

talked about your brother 

and the choices he made

that fuck with your emotions 

I talked about my summer 

and how it didn’t go as planned 

how I’m still unraveling 

what I don’t understand 

you talked about your mother 

she’s a person from a movie 

The way she laughs, and talks 

and worries about her kids 

The way she’s so unassuming

but there’s a gleam in her eye 

when she feigns ignorance 

You talked about your lover

and the sadness he sinks into 

and how he acts his way through 

and how you climb out together

with laughter, and wigs, and a party jig

we stayed up all night

til the sky began to brighten 

it takes hours to enlighten

when you realize you’re friends 

i pulled open the blinds 

before i sank into the bed

to glimpse the sun coming up 

in all it’s glorious red 

libra

I saw you
I knew we would be friends
the way you walk
and talk
and laugh at the sun
I couldn’t pin you down
you bird in the wind
I cannot make you stay
a tiger untamed
you’re not lost,
you’re not on the run
like me, you walk fast
wherever you’re going
earthy and happy
clay on your hands,
the color of rust
food in your pockets
dancing in trust
music at midnight
you shake off the dust
your heart is full
a millionaire
with empty hands.

I see you,
I know we are friends
I don’t pretend to know
the depths that you swim

you’re not here to help me
you’re not here to need me
I’m not here to fix you
and get you to change

I will tread lightly
and accept this gift
I’m here for you, Libra
I’ll be close and distant
we both need to breathe
I’ll let you be
I’m happy to be
independent and me
but on your team
for the time being
short it may be
maybe a year
or just a few minutes
if it’s longer than planned
I’ll walk with you, friend

June 17

i apologize for not knowing

I woke up
with pain in my chest,
and words in my mind
I was found at the bottom
I did not know,
that I could get any lower
I was found at the point
where the sun does not shine
it is one place,
in the middle of the ocean
covered in water
I felt such fear- I don’t swim well
but there’s a place to stand
just under the surface
a place for my feet
such a relief
because I am afraid of drowning.
I tried to take my life
three times, but each time
you stopped me
I did not know
I could stay in this life
now I choose to live,
I know it’s right
to be a friend to the friendless
to stay alive for my sisters
for them, and for me
because I need a friend
and I need my sisters
to hold me up.

I did not know
there was pain this deep
I didn’t know
that I would lose the thing
that I gave my life for
that I would open up
to be seen, and known
and that my soul
is one too broken to be bear
that my reckless mind
is too wild to contain
in this religion
too restless to sit
in solemn services.
I am friendless
and worn thin from uncertainty
not a friend to myself
or sight to see
I am not special
or different
not better or worse
my pain is my own
and it is not much
compared to the people
that weigh heavy on my heart
I don’t want to fix them
I don’t want to be fixed
I just want to share
in the life we live.

I did not know
that everything ends
and that each day
is a place to begin
I did not think
I could start again
the clearest blue
the softest wind
a bright new way
the stuff behind me
is not held against me
but it shaped me,
broke me, made me who I am
and at this place
I will find a friend
I did not know- I could not even hope for it
and I apologize for not knowing.

gemini

your mind was broken 

somewhere, along the way 

maybe between 

the rising expectation

and your imminent failure

maybe you got torn 

when you stretched your arms 

trying to reach around the past 

and the future 

all at once 

maybe you got sick

on the speed boat 

maybe you got whiplash

when it screeched to a halt

or choked a bit 

when the water came too high 

when for the first time

it was all too much 

you pull me in
i am swept along for the ride
in the thick of the madness
the beautiful mess
shock factor of this
highest highs
and lowest lows
i cry with laughter
and then you devastate me. 

i know i can’t see

all the layers in there 

i just see the outside

roll my eyes at the drama 

and gasp at the heart attack 

shake hands with new characters 

that enter your act 

marvel at the heights you climb 

and the darkness you descent to

and still it’s all see through

i know you don’t mean to

i know you don’t know 

still we clap at the colors 

of your firework show 

no reason to rise

find the cracks 

that will give way 

with the, slightest pressing

poke holes in my fragile argument

put your fingers, in the holes in my side

it’s true- im dead, im crucified

but i am not a savior 

no reason to rise 

do you ever feel like you’re just losing? 

im not sure how, ive got nothing to lose 

June 3rd

im leaving here

it ran in small rivers

dripping off my elbows

staining my torn jeans shorts

within a nauseous bubble 

the world felt small 

yet i was crushed by the weight of it

i didn’t plan this out 

i didn’t want to be seen this way 

he held my ankles between his feet,

as i tried to move towards the cliff

you’re not going anywhere

yes i am 

I’m leaving here

please don’t make me stay

the emt was breathing hard

much more nervous than me

i didn’t feel the sting 

but felt the iv 

fluid like ice through my veins 

you’re not going anywhere 

yes i am 

please don’t make me stay

God

i have tried

to wrap my head around your splendor

I have tried 

to fit you in my mind 

I have swam 

the depths of your devotion 

and I have met

the creatures in your ocean 

I’ve obeyed 

succeeded in religion 

measured up 

conceited in my vision 

faith comes through 

though shadowed by control 

I still soak 

and take in all that’s whole 

I have tried 

to earn your very presence 

I have flailed

and drowned in my distortion 

but you keep 

pushing all the borders 

I can keep 

even what I don’t hold on to

I have fought 

and shut down my expression 

I’ve been blind 

controlling my depression 

all this time 

you’re every which direction 

if I stop 

I see you’re so beyond this 

May 11

ghosts

you know i don’t believe in ghosts 

remind me just what means the most 

speak like a thousand sunsets 

trusting the silence will settle my heart 

may 4th

imprinted

You imprinted me

suddenly 

although im no longer 

dripping with ink 

you imprinted me

and gratefully, 

i hold onto the you 

that’s inside of me

May 3rd