retrograde

my heart could burst

my head could explode

it’s funny that, we use these 

morbid or dramatic descriptions

because it seems to me

that our bodies can’t contain, 

can’t maintain 

the worlds within, 

that shift and then

keep us turning, 

orbiting, yearning 

the hearts we carry

bending and burning 

the galaxies that spin

outside us or in

is it bliss or a sin

because id sell my birthright 

to drink a tall glass of gravity.  

maybe im not all right

maybe it’s my sun sign 

or the shadow of myself

that keeps the words inside

& the books on the shelf

maybe it’s because the moon

maybe it’s the way you move

the tide, the sun, the cool shade

maybe it’s mars in retrograde

my heart carries you

you break my heart 

i don’t say that to guilt you

i wish that i built you

as much as i broke you 

as much as i hurt you 

you break my heart 

cause you live in your own world 

i understand that, 

because it only feels safe 

safe from the pain, 

safe from the letdown

but i wish that you’d come out,

i built you a place 

no one can help me (that isn’t true) 

no one can heal me (let me hold you) 

it’s too much to carry (ill share it with you) 

my heart, has a place

my heart carries you 

swell

swing hard 

harder than before, 

i will strengthen my defenses

reinforce the fences

i will smile at the pain 

but speak soft

and tread lightly as you enter 

my hearts starting to splinter 

my wounds begin to swell

like waves, 

or the full moon that moves them

will it burst when it is full? 

will it fall into the ocean? 

i guess it’s waning bit by bit 

and briefly disappears

and im running out of tears 

but im not running from my fears 

the shock of home

young 

not quite touched, 

by grief, by death,

by the shadows cast 

beneath the mountains 

home to the foxes

garden of sunflowers 

and stinging nettles

all seen through the window,

the trains, like clockwork

lace the clean air

with electricity

and shock you with certainty

that you are home

although home has been, 

so many places. 

papi, you’re quiet

your intelligent mind 

is softened by your eyes

maybe you know 

maybe you’re ready? 

tell me your stories

as i fall asleep 

safe and at ease 

though mum is away

distant for so many days. 

mum, your strong soul

resilient and true

focused on something 

maybe you know 

maybe you’re ready, 

for the days ahead. 

did you know your eyes, 

& words in my mind 

they stay with me, 

though space & time 

threaten to wash me,

and erase the past. 

older, but still young 

you are married to your love 

and the road to here,

it’s been so long

and is marked by music

photos and books

sometimes dancing 

and sometimes held

through the sick,

and sad days 

when you ache for home. 

heavy tears have washed, 

the years like watercolor

violet and blues

the most beautiful hues.

don’t paint over the pain,

please don’t cover it up

i need to remember 

i need to know

though i have let go 

i still know her

i still contain the light

i still need the color

that bleeds through the grey 

 

brother sends photos 

of lakes that make you gasp

and wish for that sunset

and papi speaks slow 

both english and swiss german 

stories he’s never told

and it all points to home

although your loves,

they live, so many places

not all of them here 

and it aches when you remember 

you can’t call her on the phone

do you think maybe she’s home,

maybe she really knows?

jasmine & edelweiss 

still on the table

soft and floral, 

breathing deep

the air shocks 

and reminds you, 

that you're still home

moonflowers

moonflowers 

quiet, giant 

beneath the waning moon 

high rise apartment

million dollar loft 

borrowed for the weekend 

west side held us 

with steady arms,

on a king sized bed 

surrounded by art

i was following apart

but it all turns to anger 

and i couldn’t stop yawning

because all the fighting 

it makes me tired. 

how do you do it 

how do you love 

the ones you love?

when they’re so spread out 

and they won’t come close

& what are they so afraid of?

moonflowers 

blooming under the stars 

that can’t be seen by the city lights 

you laid your head back, 

and laughed 

then cried 

a tear dripped down your face 

on each side

how do i do it 

how do i be the one 

they will love?

with all my doubt 

it’s hard to come close 

what am i so afraid of?