my crooked neck

Sept 3

somewhere in

the dialect

i stopped listening 

somewhere in the disarray 

my crooked neck

kept me looking down

pressed against

any straight line

til all my strength and energy

was pushed and put

into standing tall 

big blue wind

heavy blue

bumblebee 

big blue wind, 

touching you,

surrounding you

swallowing the stillness

no room for silence

how do we grow?

how do i look at me

more than words and actions

how do i notice me, noticing me 

quiet consciousness

unconscious, thoughtless me

see the sycamores

see the sycamores 

bare and bare skinned

like last winter 

and like last winter

my throat hurts, 

the lump feels stuck

see the sycamores 

with arms and limbs 

you touched them in wonder

ancient bones or dinosaurs

wise and simple

you felt the smooth bark

exposed to the world 

and all it’s weather

it struck you with awe

are we like that

strong and planted

with skin shown 

ready for the seasons

to dress us and strip us

and soak us to the bone 

little bones pt 2

little bones, 

strong bones

not very old,

but dinosaur bones

healing bones

bones like tree branches,

like trunks 

like roots

bones of iron

bones like books

telling a story 

young bones

somehow green

bending, forming

bones of memory

holding thoughts 

dents and dislocation

strain and fracture

pain and past, you’re

walking in

a frame that carries

it was present 

in every moment

in every scrape 

and every kiss

your body knows

your body holds

part of foundation

that is you

that carries you through

it’s crazy how things change

it’s crazy how things change

what gives you breath, 

& what takes your breath away

loose end

i feel like a question 

an expectation

a loose end,

im waiting on the phone

no dial tone

maybe hang up 

and try again

no closure, or no compromise

agreement or understanding

we have talked

i have yelled 

i don’t think i like,

what i have said 

if we talked,

when we talk- 

i don’t even know

what i would say

do you know im a tiger

butterflies, goosebumps

lips make my heart skip

wide eyed, or furrowed brow

stare down 

do you know im a tiger

im strong, i don’t need you

see my teeth and claws

i don’t need you, but i want you

moon rise, green eyes

hips make honey drip

smile, snarl, howl, growl

face off, stare down

i am your tiger

i love you, i need you

my honeycomb, 

december moon

i love you & ill eat you

steady wavelength, nov. 18

steady wavelength 

startle the surface

of my neon belief 

bitter memories 

blurred by cosmic sway

hovered over 

the dreamless water

dark green jade

cut heavy into me

broke the breakwater

that shielded me 

nectar waiting to heal

to sit with me at dusk 

preserve the gold 

honey on my tongue

and sun still shines 

though late and low

settles near, resting hipbone

waiting on moonbeam

to rise, to show 

like a film

i will stutter

can’t capture the portrait 

i will stargaze

each one etched in my mind 

quick nightwings

just a shadow outline

you shimmer in the dark

you swing into my heart 

Sept. 15

feel your veins 

like braille, a language felt

not heard

an impression, not spoken

tactile 

feel and touch 

i can feel your breath

in synch with mine

i see the questions, 

the wonder

in your eyes 

maybe they’ll crack

shatter and restart 

ink and art 

clay recycled 

paper crumpled up 

pots in a row

maybe they’ll crack 

cry and bleed in the kiln 

spreading colored disaster 

was it rushed, impatience

was it ignorance 

your first time, 

was it blind, blurred

was it dented, bent

bumped along the way

minuscule fracture, unseen

was it never meant to be?

written in the stars

not meant to take shape,

or keep shape

withstand pressure and firing

focused work, hours spent

with bad results or mistake

or it is what it is, shrugged off

maybe a lesson, an adventure

disappointment, letdown that comes

with all that you invested

did it not take to the heat?

too much, too little?

glaze didn’t react, 

as planned, as envisioned

time, diligence

commitment, care, detail

attention and risk

clear equation has faded 

into new idea

you follow your bones, your gut 

the feeling 

options expand, along with recipe

technique, years, hours 

of practice and dedication

creating energy, driven or bored

detached or interested

going through the motions

does it all equal success? 

can you put in

everything, yet know 

the results yielded

may be wrecked

may be wrong?

but might be

better than expected

shocking colors,

surface you are proud of 

stunning form, 

that holds strong and true 

film and flowers

spring developing 

film and flowers

feelings made clear in sunlight

i felt a calm, that i still feel 

a knowing that I know 

that I know, that I know 

when the world flipped upside down

so did I, uneven and bent

with dented heart

im a drawing now

a simple sketch

a sad face or figure 

a quality or weakness 

when you describe me, 

you describe disorder, depression

too much emotion

please excuse this 

please have grace 

be patient as i make my way 

As I tame my anger

as I learn to love

and not be threatened 

as I learn to hurt and let it pass 

heavy blue

it is what it is

but what is it 

it’s old, it’s new 

it’s heavy blue 

ink smeared on a screen 

i was overseas, 

when you were seventeen

& we don’t know war

we don’t know poverty 

just food stamps and rice 

& powdered milk 

and borrowed newspaper

we don’t know pain, 

just suicide, and settlements 

and three heart attacks

In the same year

as the car wreck 

we don’t know trauma

we just know normal 

like nurses and nicus 

we don’t think, we just act 

And you always act okay 

squinting at the light

ive heard a sigh

that shatters concrete

tears that burn 

like acid rain

that sting on raw skin 

salt on hangnails

tired eyes

eyes that are not called beautiful

or right or bright 

they are just worn

exhausted

squinting at the light 

checking once more 

if there’s something to see

in the garden

in the garden 

we are held by green 

the flies and flowers

have multiplied

in the garden 

we eat like kings 

the time spent in sunlight

is multiplied 

the neighbors shower

and the look in your eyes

you observe the world

so different than i 

you kiss me all over

i wake to sunlight 

your voice soft

your eyes bright 

and sweet 

you kiss me 

all over 

my forehead 

my cheeks 

my chin and my chest 

my lips 

before i talk so much

in the morning

pain plants what we don’t want to grow

pain plants 

what we don’t want to grow 

i don’t want to water 

what springs up

i don’t want, poison and bitters

shadows and sharp edges 

i want to see the sun 

i want to notice the flowers 

and not give air time

to the negative thoughts 

and the prodding past 

but the past is not years ago 

it’s yesterday 

it’s early this morning

when tears sting my eyes 

when the lump in my throat 

reminds me of you 

when words don’t string together 

i can’t hold a pen 

or a conversation

i know the pricking spines

cover my water stores 

fend off the vultures 

who will feed off of my rot

i know the panic, is release

my body speaks

it cries for attention

i carries my load 

but i don’t want to water, 

what springs up

can i look at pain 

with compassion 

can i look at me 

like i look at you 

can i look at this 

like the desert cactus 

like the crippled cat

like the lady on the corner 

my water is wasted 

on empty sand 

on a dying animal 

my money will be gone

to feed her addiction 

why give water to the birds

flowers to the dead

and pennies to the fountain?

pain plants, what we don’t want to grow 

i don’t want to water what springs up 

pull out the bitter

air out the anger 

write and talk and sing 

bitter words 

shameful memories 

ugly imagination

emotion feels like wasted energy 

it feels selfish and wrong 

it’s hard to say i did this

hard to admit i chose 

it hurts to say you hurt me 

it’s hard to say i hurt

pain plants, and will grow 

and i will weed or water what springs up 

could i be near

could i be near

without rippling the water 

without startling the deer

can i listen not just hear

could i eat 

without devouring everything 

could i be quick to listen 

could i be slow to speak

can i be me 

and you be you 

can i be me 

and you be you?

when i am me 

is there space for you? 

i need space too

speak

when you’re not talking 

eyes that change color

ill yell at my mother 

as if it’s all her fault 

did you know im happy 

did you know i need space too

i need quiet

you would never imagine

because i talk so much 

because i fill whatever space

i overwhelm and overpower

do you think 

i know exactly what i need

because i devour 

and just eat 

whatever im given

do you think i know what i need 

because i act with instinct

or just react and don’t think 

i step forward

i step forward 

dizzy anticipation

lump in my throat 

ink on my hands 

your touch, 

ripples the water 

melts my defense 

jumping the fence

who knows 

what is ahead 

i know, there are new mornings 

new skies

every color of blue and gray 

new levels of pain 

and depths of laughter 

deeper knowing 

and fighting 

intensional wounds 

& accidental cuts

sorting through old stuff

building, creating, growing new

new maps and hideaways 

new favorites and routines

cats eyes

cats eyes 

threaten mine 

challenge my words

threaten my existence 

laughing at 

the thin skin 

that covers whatever 

it is im made of

as the sun sets low 

i will miss the point 

i will pass the signs

blame it on my adhd 

blame it on my self pity

blame it on my bad eyes 

im too much 

it’s too late to know 

you’re trying to tell me 

to go slow

im missing the hint again, i know 

if it’s so obvious how did i miss it 

keep telling me and i will dismiss it 

the moon hangs high

an unblinking eye 

then it winks at me

and i realize maybe 

i am a show 

i am a mockery 

you are here to point 

and gawk at me 

because i will tell 

a thousand stories 

i will make you look at me 

ill be your dog 

ill be a golden boy 

for anyone who wants me

im at your door 

waiting for the call

im underneath the table 

waiting for a crumb to fall

and i make believe 

that i understand 

i am made of clay 

i am made of sand 

ill be your dog 

ill be a golden boy 

for anyone who wants me at all

does anybody want me at all?

time runs

time runs

threads of connection 

so thin, so fragile 

you wouldn’t think anything of it 

time traces

sketch and silhouette

shadows of a scene

we would like to forget

I will remember 

I won’t let go 

time sends 

electric shocks

pulsing pain through our blood 

headaches for our, 

already tired temples

I will speak 

I won’t let go 

time dances 

twirls and flaunts 

spins with our emotions

dips us back 

pushes us to our knees 

I will crawl 

I won’t let go

time speaks

a sound too quiet, too loud 

a language we can’t understand

til we’re looking back

I will listen, I will hear 

I won’t let go

my sister said

and now we’re in a river

it’s wild and knows no rhythm 

little bones

the day after 

when morning aches

shadows of bad dreams

lean on today

and you remember, again

like a realization

it’s like knowing for the first time 

it hurts that bad

little bones, on the porch 

lay yourself out

stretch and reach

bruised skin, anxious veins

scared, rigid muscles

soak in the sun

shed a tear

im right here 

we can’t touch or rub

or disturb the evidence

and it hurts to see you like this

and leave you untouched

when you need wrapped up 

adore you

i love you 

like the sky loves the moon 

like the sunlight in June 

i adore you

ill hold you 

like the sky holds the moon

like the summer holds June 

I’ll adore you 

the pain it dances underneath

the pain was sharp, 

it was waves

it was anger

it blew smoke in our eyes

tears and over-communication

fighting in the emergency room

shielding pain with a yell

losing sight 

of the reason we’re here 

i am ready to tell the story 

to every person i see

to shake the shoulders

to yell and talk fast

i can’t do this

if i tell it again, 

maybe ill fall over

maybe ill drop dead

maybe ill fall 

to my knees and cry 

the weeks have blurred

dulled the newness 

and worn the shock 

energetic anger 

not so quick to show it’s face

the pain now,

it’s like drops of blood 

here and there

subtle, but stained

it’s not washing out

drops of water 

salty like sweat 

or hidden tears 

it’s more like a secret 

on the back burner 

preoccupied thoughts

under everything

remembering what happened

i can’t believe i forgot, for a minute

ill tell the story 

to too many friends

but they don’t care enough

they don’t cry or yell

is it just a person to pity 

a story to share 

something interesting

that happened this week 

they keep living,

but we keep feeling the pain 

i see it

the corners of your mouth

the color of your eyes 

the edge of your spirit

and the tone of your hello 

subtle and slow

it still speaks

it still stabs 

looks like boredom

numb or annoyed

or tired and sad 

sometimes it’s anger 

sometimes it’s grief 

the pain it dances underneath 

my bird

my bird 

you are out of bed 

and out the door 

fire in your belly 

laughter spills out 

tears and raindrops 

quick as a fox, 

hungry as a bear

your appetite is endless

but you’re satisfied 

you will devour, 

all color and sound 

facts and flavors 

you grow like a wildflower

and leave a trail

of sparks and spitfire

tulips and honeysuckle

recycling rain

into tears and 

water for the plants 

there are molehills and mountains

dumpsters and fountains

and you face each one

with tenacity and grace

it’s okay to stop,

slow mornings & deep thoughts

it’s okay to break down,

it’s okay to break pots

feel the anger and the pain 

you won’t be stuck

you can’t be trapped

by rule or reaction

by expectation

by shifting sand 

or the shadow of yourself 

i see something

that i hope you can see

but i know it’s hard to be

it’s hard to hug yourself

like you hug me

but i love to see the moments

you look at your photo 

you glance in the mirror 

and smile like

you smile at the flowers

the sunset and the trees

my bird, love you

like you love me 

exactly where i am

be present, you say 

but i look to the future 

the ditch is a creek 

the creek is a river

the pond is a lake

the lake is a sea

and i stand on the shore

before jumping in

but wait a second

look at the flowers,

growing in the ditch

purple violets and clover, 

hyacinth and tulips 

it reminds me of spring 

and of being young 

and picking the iris buds 

before they even bloomed

orange tiger lilies, yellow daffodils 

watered by dirty,

storm drain overflow

the magnolia trees 

a magnet for the birds

soaking sunlight, 

drinking moon water

every time you notice

you think you’ve never noticed

you remember that you’re here

and you’ve been missing it

you’re now, in this moment

thoughts of the past 

tie into today

but still i look ahead 

the trails are sidewalks 

and sidewalks are roads 

& the roads are highways

highways to the future 

no roadblocks or construction

i pass the dead ends 

and cul de sacs

i don’t glance at developed houses

clean suburbs or new apartments 

because settling is suicide

homebodies are stagnant

retirement is the first step

in the decision to die

it’s too much to consider

too much to think about

so i look ahead

i watch the sunset

which feels like the end, 

but makes me wonder

about tomorrow’s sunrise

will i sleep tonight

how will i get by

how many days til payday

what time is my appointment

am i gonna be late for work 

am i braced for disappointment

then im tripping on the curb

& im hearing the birds sing

back to the current moment

back to the same street

and i don’t like this feeling

because i don’t like being with me

my body’s in the past

my head ahead of me

here i get the headache

feel the heartache underneath

split or torn, or separated

the past and future me

sunlight, get in my eyes

wind, blow through my hair

help me notice the colors 

and hear the rain 

and see the pain 

In the eyes of my friend 

feel my feet on the ground, 

in my boots again

exactly where i am