dissolve

i want to drown 

she said 

but not like that 

i want to dissolve 

into saltwater arms 

i want to drink

i want it to drink me up 

and turn the pain

into soft, white sand

the sound of the moon

the cards we were dealt 

sometimes make me melt away 

into the sound of the night 

i can’t even hear you say it’s all right 

the sound of the moon

reminds me of june 

but it’s already july

you move so fast,

these days are blurring by

the sound of the moon

the sound of falling apart

the sound of your heart

giving way, finally breaking open

cicadas

sunlight 

and clarity 

and laughter, 

laughing at sky 

and the wind 

and the sweaty humidity 

that blankets us in 

and sends us running, 

into water 

into something

anything 

to cool us down

i love the summer 

& i hate the bugs

i love the heat, the sunburn 

the porch nights 

the neighbors loud music 

the sirens on the paseo

the crickets &

cicadas humming 

or screaming 

or whatever that sound is 

i love all the white noise 

that we call home 

arrival

those years, they broke you 

the days you weren’t sure

if you would ever walk again 

the tears, they washed you 

as your heart broke, 

and the light and love all spilled out 

not knowing if you’d ever get it back 

as you let go of your life 

and your brother

and everything good 

there were moments you didn’t think

that you would ever talk again. 

the pain, shattered into pieces

it glittered like glass

and turned to something new 

and you kept walking

lonely, but not alone

you didn’t have the strength

to carry the anger, the bitterness

thank god for surrender

thank god for rock bottom,

where we can let go  

and be empty enough, 

to take it all in 

the love of your friends

your mothers laughter 

& the words of your father 

so rightly timed

and the hurt, beautiful family

both heartache and kindness

its funny to sort through 

that tangled mess. 

the imperfect love we’re given,  

it’s really love.

i know it still hurts 

and i can’t imagine 

just what that’s like 

the road that you walk 

it’s bumpy, and it’s beautiful 

and it shapes you anew,

imprinting deeply 

it made you who you are. 

but there’s been this thing,

mysterious as a bird

a quiet prayer 

an expectation, 

so brave, so hopeful

hidden inside you

few words 

not overshared, 

a pearl that cost so much 

it will not be trampled. 

an expectation, a dream 

you saw something in the future 

you couldn’t put your finger on 

just what it was

or who it would be  

but you waited for the day

that it arrived. 

the joy, and the fear 

and the shock was of new love 

life unraveled so quickly 

a heart that is happy,

and still healing, still beating 

accepts this gift 

you were ready for the day, 

when he arrived.

i will wrap my arms around today

it’s funny that

each day is new 

but familiar enough 

to feel right and real 

when dawn breaks 

so does my heart, a little 

just enough 

to let grace seep into the cracks 

just enough to soak in, 

this new day 

my arms have stretched wide 

so wide, that they are sore 

they are torn 

from years of living 

i will wrap my arms around today 

i will wrap my arms around you 

i will hold you, i will love you 

but i will let go

i could never keep 

or contain, or control

such divine people 

such wild, beautiful things 

but somehow i can hold them close 

my mind is open

my back is tired

my heart is broken

but it heals bit by bit

my heart is broken, 

just enough, to let it soak in 

all the pain, all the promise 

all the life 

in this new day 

comforter

i sit on the curb 

like so

many times before 

i breathe it in deep

and my throat is a bit choked 

and i clench my teeth

to prevent the tears

What if, 

there’s a comforter 

could I come to him now? 

What if he is, near 

like the dirt 

close, like the grass

itchy on my skin 

what if she is quiet 

like the wind 

steady like the trees 

warm like the pavement 

under my feet 

with eyes that fill with tears 

and not anger. 

i’m not sure what I look for,

because I’ve seen a lot 

and so many beautiful people

it’s not like they aren’t enough

i don’t know what i expect

because i’ve heard it all before 

in screams and yells 

in songs and sermons 

in tearful whispers 

and laughing, lighthearted words 

what if 

there’s a comforter 

who knew just what to say 

or not say 

what if 

they are here 

around, and within 

what if they are with me now.