Wednesday, January 31, 2018

jack

jack, don’t look back 
i know you’d take the flak 
i know you fell to your knees 
and cried, when you heard about that 

jack, i know you’re in too deep 
is there a heart to keep?
is there something to find 
under the rubble heap? 

your daughter, grew into a mother 
she named her wildest son after you
your princess, she grew into a lover 
but she still talks about you
talks about you 

home

my soul 
has dreamed of rest
of quiet 
here, within the storm
of peace 
within this race we run 
my heart has hungered
for going home 
and breathing in 
and letting go 
and taking in, 
not shutting out 
the reckless love
surrounding us

hush

i think about you often 
i think about your eyes 
unimpressed or content
understanding,
trying to understand 
slow to speak 
easy to follow 
but it takes patience
to hear your thoughts unfold 

slow moving 
moving forward
your emotions 
are quite overwhelming 
your thoughts 
are always delving 
deeper than i do 
deeper than 
i’d like to think 
you’re nervous 
but you hide it well 
you play it cool 
hoping, and
asking 
and ready for the ride
for someone who feels 
so unsteady, 
you are pretty steady 

you look back, 
you look forward
you soak it in
you look inward 
if you’re asking me
maybe too much
you look into me, 
and it makes me hush

all the stars are closer

all the stars are closer
when you’re near 
the trees aren’t going 
anywhere 
although they move 
and so do i 
the smoke will fade
into the sky 
although you’re here 
you’re far away 
the night is dark 
we dream of day 
i hear your heartbeat 
in the cold 
i realize that 
we’re growing old

Sunday, January 21, 2018

cigarette

you took 
forever and a day 
to smoke a cigarette 
your eyes far were away 
and you wouldn’t let 
me in 

Friday, January 19, 2018

it’s funny what makes you feel

it’s funny what makes you feel again 
when your sister sighs 
and says, you’re crazy 
but i love you
when your friend says 
im worried about you, friend 
it seems like you’re drowning 
but you’re not crazy 
and another says 
it’ll be okay, you’re not alone
it’s funny what makes you feel something
like the traffic lights 
by my parents house
they’re a different color,
like coke bottle green 
it’s funny what makes you feel 
like film photographs
with all those faces 
i hate the screen, but 
i keep charging my phone
because im afraid 
i’ll lose all the photos
i keep paying in change 
to remember those days
it feels more real
i keep driving you home
and taking it slow 
i keep singing that song
the one we both know
over and over again 
im not sick of it 
it makes me feel 
& it’s funny 
what makes you feel again

Sunday, January 14, 2018

swallowed up

you’re near
you’re here 
when i wake in the night 
hands shaking 
my prayer is quiet
it’s tears and it’s pain
im scared of the dark
im scared of my name 
i reach out
i am hot and cold 
i am right and wrong 
mostly wrong 
i need your help 
and when i say that
i don’t mean i need 
your assistance
i mean i need you 
all of your saving
all of yourself 
i need your arms 
to wrap around my sorrow
i need swallowed up 
in grace 

i apologize

dearest friend
when does it end
i apologize for everything 
im so sorry for the grief
i wonder why you 
never sleep 
I’ve seen your smile 
but it’s been a while 
i never know 
just what to say 
i know i always
say too much 
i reach, 
you’re slipping
out of touch
im here,
i know 
im not enough 

Monday, January 8, 2018

bevvy jo

i looked
and saw the past
it doesn’t seem to exist 
until you talk about it
she said her dad was always angry at her 
and she didn’t know why
that her mom was a hard, 
strong little woman 
raised in an orphanage
I told her that they loved her 
but didn’t know how to say it 
& that i remember when Nana (her mom) died because the song Give Me Jesus
“i picked that song. i don’t know if she liked it. you were there? how did you know her?”
i reminded her who i was,
who my parents are
brad and Stephanie 
i’m your granddaughter 
& she heard it, like the very first time 
like i suddenly existed
a brand new baby 

her eyes filled with tears 
and her shoulders began to shake 
because the weight of the years 
is a lot to take in 
and it hurts each time,
when you hear for the first time
again and again 
i told her it was real
and it’s such a relief 
each time she hears 
it’s hearing for the first time 

i read her this poem 
and she responded 
“it’s the truth 
it’s soft and it’s real.”

Sunday, January 7, 2018

sums

in touch 
such clear eyes, clarity 
i am the veins 
and grains of salt 
i am the splintered, 
fractured fault 
the flecks reflect 
the drops of sun 
ive swallowed them 
in smaller sums 
to keep me sane 
to keep me under 
til i come up for air

Thursday, January 4, 2018

i feel okay

the floor has been ripped 
from underneath 
my thoughts are scattered
as I try to make sense 
of the change in plans 
I pull together 
what I can 
I clothe myself 
with temporary cover ups 
I am not okay 
but I feel okay 
Most of the time 

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

january 1

On New Year’s Day
I woke up to say 
I can’t live this way 

the real thing

I reflect
I am a mirror 
I’m not the thing, 
I’m reflecting it 
a backwards rendition 
a dim portrait 
a hazy replay 
of the real thing 
I work, I run 
Towards the real thing