Saturday, April 6, 2019

exactly where i am

be present, you say 
but i look to the future 
the ditch is a creek 
the creek is a river
the pond is a lake
the lake is a sea
and i stand on the shore
before jumping in

but wait a second
look at the flowers,
growing in the ditch
purple violets and clover, 
hyacinth and tulips 
it reminds me of spring 
and of being young 
and picking the iris buds 
before they even bloomed
orange tiger lilies, yellow daffodils 
watered by dirty,
storm drain overflow
the magnolia trees 
a magnet for the birds
soaking sunlight, 
drinking moon water

every time you notice
you think you’ve never noticed
you remember that you’re here
and you’ve been missing it
you’re now, in this moment
thoughts of the past 
tie into today

but still i look ahead 
the trails are sidewalks 
and sidewalks are roads 
& the roads are highways
highways to the future 
no roadblocks or construction
i pass the dead ends 
and cul de sacs
i don’t glance at developed houses
clean suburbs or new apartments 
because settling is suicide
homebodies are stagnant
retirement is the first step
in the decision to die

it’s too much to consider
too much to think about
so i look ahead
i watch the sunset
which feels like the end, 
but makes me wonder
about tomorrow’s sunrise
will i sleep tonight
how will i get by
how many days til payday
what time is my appointment
am i gonna be late for work 
am i braced for disappointment

then im tripping on the curb
& im hearing the birds sing
back to the current moment
back to the same street
and i don’t like this feeling
because i don’t like being with me
my body’s in the past
my head ahead of me
here i get the headache
feel the heartache underneath
split or torn, or separated
the past and future me

sunlight, get in my eyes
wind, blow through my hair
help me notice the colors 
and hear the rain 
and see the pain 
In the eyes of my friend 
feel my feet on the ground, 
in my boots again
exactly where i am










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