no reason to rise

find the cracks 

that will give way 

with the, slightest pressing

poke holes in my fragile argument

put your fingers, in the holes in my side

it’s true- im dead, im crucified

but i am not a savior 

no reason to rise 

do you ever feel like you’re just losing? 

im not sure how, ive got nothing to lose 

June 3rd

im leaving here

it ran in small rivers

dripping off my elbows

staining my torn jeans shorts

within a nauseous bubble 

the world felt small 

yet i was crushed by the weight of it

i didn’t plan this out 

i didn’t want to be seen this way 

he held my ankles between his feet,

as i tried to move towards the cliff

you’re not going anywhere

yes i am 

I’m leaving here

please don’t make me stay

the emt was breathing hard

much more nervous than me

i didn’t feel the sting 

but felt the iv 

fluid like ice through my veins 

you’re not going anywhere 

yes i am 

please don’t make me stay

ghosts

you know i don’t believe in ghosts 

remind me just what means the most 

speak like a thousand sunsets 

trusting the silence will settle my heart 

may 4th

imprinted

You imprinted me

suddenly 

although im no longer 

dripping with ink 

you imprinted me

and gratefully, 

i hold onto the you 

that’s inside of me

May 3rd

soft hunger

peel back the layer

pull back the covers

of the morning 

run your eyes, 

and open wide 

listen to the quiet 

feel the sore muscles

the soft hunger 

the ache of memory 

when you remember, suddenly 

the things you already know

but they hurt again, each time

3/1

you didn’t tell me 

i didn’t know how

it wasn’t your fault 

i’ll fix it somehow 

i never waited

i always moved on

usually happy 

singing a song 

it was my dad

words that he said

stabbed into me

left me for dead

it was your mom

her curious judgement

they couldn’t keep

in step with our movement 

pain

it’s on the road 

it rides the tumbling wind

its in the load

that i carry, again

it’s on the windshield

in small rivers of rain

it looks like hope

but it’s feeling like pain

heart

stars, they still

my restless movement

quieting down

my beating heart

friend, you still

have eyes to see me

ears to hear

my fading heart

sister

sister

walk with me 

tell me about your troubles 

this life, it isn’t so bad 

but it is hard

with all of its shattered pieces

it is pretty beautiful 

although we are still rebuilding

and im not sure 

which piece goes where

i’ll admit, there are some years 

that i don’t remember all that much

because we move forward

putting one foot

in front of the other 

the road,

it hasn’t been so bad

it’s covered in leaves

and forgotten dreams

but im happy to walk it with you. 

it hurt too much

I was running 

At a ferocious pace

keeping you at arms length 

because it hurt too much 

I was losing 

at an atrocious rate 

keeping it at bay 

because it hurt too much 

and you just

made that face

and looked away

cause it hurt too much 

jack

jack, don’t look back 

i know you’d take the flak 

i know you fell to your knees 

and cried, when you heard about that 

jack, i know you’re in too deep 

is there a heart to keep?

is there something to find 

under the rubble heap? 

your daughter, grew into a mother 

she named her wildest son after you

your princess, she grew into a lover 

but she still talks about you

talks about you 

home

my soul 

has dreamed of rest

of quiet 

here, within the storm

of peace 

within this race we run 

my heart has hungered

for going home 

and breathing in 

and letting go 

and taking in, 

not shutting out 

the reckless love

surrounding us

hush

i think about you often 

i think about your eyes 

unimpressed or content

understanding,

trying to understand 

slow to speak 

easy to follow 

but it takes patience

to hear your thoughts unfold 

slow moving 

moving forward

your emotions 

are quite overwhelming 

your thoughts 

are always delving 

deeper than i do 

deeper than 

i’d like to think 

you’re nervous 

but you hide it well 

you play it cool 

hoping, and

asking 

and ready for the ride

for someone who feels 

so unsteady, 

you are pretty steady 

you look back, 

you look forward

you soak it in

you look inward 

if you’re asking me

maybe too much

you look into me, 

and it makes me hush

all the stars are closer

all the stars are closer

when you’re near 

the trees aren’t going 

anywhere 

although they move 

and so do i 

the smoke will fade

into the sky 

although you’re here 

you’re far away 

the night is dark 

we dream of day 

i hear your heartbeat 

in the cold 

i realize that 

we’re growing old

cigarette

you took 

forever and a day 

to smoke a cigarette 

your eyes far were away 

and you wouldn’t let 

me in 

it’s funny what makes you feel

it’s funny what makes you feel again 

when your sister sighs 

and says, you’re crazy 

but i love you

when your friend says 

im worried about you, friend 

it seems like you’re drowning 

but you’re not crazy 

and another says 

it’ll be okay, you’re not alone

it’s funny what makes you feel something

like the traffic lights 

by my parents house

they’re a different color,

like coke bottle green 

it’s funny what makes you feel 

like film photographs

with all those faces 

i hate the screen, but 

i keep charging my phone

because im afraid 

i’ll lose all the photos

i keep paying in change 

to remember those days

it feels more real

i keep driving you home

and taking it slow 

i keep singing that song

the one we both know

over and over again 

im not sick of it 

it makes me feel 

& it’s funny 

what makes you feel again

i apologize

dearest friend

when does it end

i apologize for everything 

im so sorry for the grief

i wonder why you 

never sleep 

I’ve seen your smile 

but it’s been a while 

i never know 

just what to say 

i know i always

say too much 

i reach, 

you’re slipping

out of touch

im here,

i know 

im not enough 

bevvy jo

i looked

and saw the past

it doesn’t seem to exist 

until you talk about it

she said her dad was always angry at her 

and she didn’t know why

that her mom was a hard, 

strong little woman 

raised in an orphanage

I told her that they loved her 

but didn’t know how to say it 

& that i remember when Nana (her mom) died because the song Give Me Jesus

“i picked that song. i don’t know if she liked it. you were there? how did you know her?”

i reminded her who i was,

who my parents are

brad and Stephanie 

i’m your granddaughter 

& she heard it, like the very first time 

like i suddenly existed

a brand new baby 

her eyes filled with tears 

and her shoulders began to shake 

because the weight of the years 

is a lot to take in 

and it hurts each time,

when you hear for the first time

again and again 

i told her it was real

and it’s such a relief 

each time she hears 

it’s hearing for the first time 

i read her this poem 

and she responded 

“it’s the truth 

it’s soft and it’s real.”

i feel okay

the floor has been ripped 

from underneath 

my thoughts are scattered

as I try to make sense 

of the change in plans 

I pull together 

what I can 

I clothe myself 

with temporary cover ups 

I am not okay 

but I feel okay 

Most of the time 

january 1

On New Year’s Day

I woke up to say 

I can’t live this way 

the real thing

I reflect

I am a mirror 

I’m not the thing, 

I’m reflecting it 

a backwards rendition 

a dim portrait 

a hazy replay 

of the real thing 

I work, I run 

Towards the real thing 

snowy in kansas city

it’s snowy in Kansas City

but I still see the sun

shine bright on the morning

wake up, and cry  

 

I know that song 

that song reminds me 

reminds me to try 

to see through your eyes 

it’s snowy in Kansas City

but I still see the sun 

I was up before morning 

I woke up to cry 

enough

I feel light 

and heavy 

at the same time 

I keep running, and working 

moving faster

to keep in time 

with my wild mind  

I keep running

But I can’t seem to stand

I can’t seem to stand 

The floor feels better 

The floor holds me 

as I fall apart

It feels like blood

But it’s just tears, 

Dripping from my eyes

I don’t feel sad, angry or mad

but I guess Im just broken

I guess I’ve just had 

Enough

weight of the world

You laid down 

your head resting

You were quiet 

And decided 

That you were done

Lay your head 

again my dear 

against the wood 

Look at the sky

sharp blue and soft clouds

Look at your life 

and all you hold onto

You don’t have to carry 

The weight of the world

plans for me

All your testimonies 

Are written on my arms 

Written in the stars

Your plans for me 

night swallows day

I will be here 

I’ll prop you up, 

in a makeshift way 

I’ll help you stand

when night swallows day 

peripheral

you were a loose cannon 
my little trainwreck

staying in the peripheral

at the edges of my life 

you move fast, 

and drink slow

looking for the right song

and none of them fit

remember that Friday? 

we rode in a helicopter 

i gasped at the view 

i could see beyond this 

remember my birthday? 

i cried at my party

happy and sad

at the same time 

i was looking for the right song

and none of them would fit

trouble with boys

Your trouble with boys 

hurts like white noise 

wash up on the concrete 

wake and rejoice 

Your trouble with boys

drowning you out 

blurring your colors 

to shadow and doubt

all your trouble with men

stings on the skin 

like a tattoo, begin

with beautiful sin 

i don’t know how to

step into view 

to sink or to swim

to reach out and touch you 

Your trouble with boys

it hurts like the sunrise

somebody’s sunset

somebody’s morning 

i used to know you 

i used to know how

to unearth a smile 

to see you somehow

Still

sky's still blue 

grass still green 

wind still smooth 

snow still mean 

earth still soft 

road still free

I'm still here 

come to me

New Tattoo

It's sunny in Kansas City 

but my heart still hurts 

like a new tattoo 

like my face in the cold 

in my very first fight 

it was two on one

and I have a mind

that is triggered like a gun 

I have an anger 

that lights me up, 

puts my heart in danger

of giving up 

of going cold, of growing older

my heart still feels 

like a mountain boulder 

it's sunny in Kansas City 

but my heart still stings 

like the slap of the waves 

salt on the wounds

pain that it brings

but you are the bedrock 

on which I stand 

you are the rock 

in the city of sand 

my roots are deep

I will not fold 

but I need a fathers 

hand to hold

Boy

You were still reeling from losing your father

& talking with me was a cold glass of water

you weren't ok, tried to keep it together

we held on tight and outran the weather

The Sound

You 

Are the feeling 

Of seeing the first star

by the car 

In the city,

where we can't see many

You 

are the porch

on a summer night 

gunshots  

in the city,

where the boys are ready

You 

Are the sound

of cicadas and fans

And all of the white noise 

That we call home

Tourist

You never thought

you never dreamed 

to see things bursting 

at the seams

Your smile real 

Your eyes are true 

But it's just

Overtaking you 

I didn't plan

my life to be

to play just like 

a funny movie 

I guess you're just 

a sight to see

and I'm a tourist

passing through 

to watch the show 

and never have you 

I didn't know 

my life would feel 

just quite like this 

but no one did 

I don't mean to play the victim 

I can't see beyond the friction 

the low is dark, the high is heaven

you come and go and come again

I don't think you're an addiction 

but you just seem to take, no giving

I'm just a tourist passing through

to see the sights and never have you 

Kissed by the Sun

You're looking better 

Kissed by the sun 

(yeah, but you can't see 

the things I've done)

You're looking brighter 

Have you finally won? 

(You can't imagine, all that needs redone)

August

We were laying by the pool 

I was running with a 

Ferocious pace

Keeping you at arms length 

Because it hurt too much

I wish I was better  

I wish I was brave 

But I am going

To need more grace 

Cascades

Don't be afraid 

Of cascades 

They'll come 

in Ribbons of color 

Shimmering, shuddering 

Small rivers running 

Blue In the veins 

Don't be afraid 

Of promenades 

Of glittering shame

It'll come

In skies and in wonder 

disguising and thundering 

Small storms tumbling

Red in the veins 

Don't be afraid

Of cascades

They'll come 

In currents of color

Crying and wondering

Small rivers running

Blue in the veins 

Arrow

A quiver full of arrows

chosen for you

I was the sharpest,

I flew the fastest

Into your heart 

To join the rest of your wounds

46 stitches

46 stitches 

Is not enough 

to fix this heart 

grant me relief 

grant me restart 

hope and belief 

just torn apart 

it was trust in me 

it was all of my doing

what's built on me

becomes my undoing

I kicked 

I screamed 

I fought relentlessly 

And finally 

Finally 

You've broken me

Walking on Air

There are not enough words

To engage your attention

To measure and gauge 

This constant affliction 

All that I've done 

It plays in my head

Feeds in a loop

What I haven't said 

Turns into desire

Call it attraction

The bed of a man

Grants me distraction

So grant me relief 

I know something's wrong

Not that I feel it, 

All feelings gone

But I see it within me 

Internal bleeding 

Silent and subtle

All that I'm needing

So I hold my head up 

I hold it together

Take the edge off

Adapt to the weather

Breath and keep breathing

Try hard to care 

And going to work 

Is walking on air 

Silver Heart

steady hazel eyes 

just like our father

you can see through the lies

you can feel through the rubble

steady silver heart 

just hidden from view

you've seen so many sunsets 

they just soaked into you 

I've seen you cry 

when you laugh too hard

I've seen you sleep

In the middle of the yard 

I saw you frown 

In that subtle way 

I saw you smile 

and it lit up the day

ER

I hold still 

and feel her rinse my wounds 

over and over again 

Each time the pain is fresh. 

Blonde hair and blue eyes

like me 

she is focused on the skin 

quietly answering my questions

Do you enjoy it? Do you like doing sutures?

stitch my skin up 

yeah, stitches are simple and easy 

it's one of the more enjoyable things

Realistic

The scars on my arms 

Make me look more realistic 

Because the inside of my heart

Looks nothing like the pictures 

It's never enough

It's never enough 

She said 

you have it once, 

And you want it again 

And the happiness is fake 

there's a sense of sadness 

In the numbing madness 

The pain is there 

Inside my heart

And coming down

Is the hardest part 

I can't live this way

I can't live this way 

She said 

My body is tired 

of the heavy loads 

the winding road 

was meant to be walked 

steady and free

not running on empty 

Navy Green

You were a sky

like the Fourth of July

When we first met

I spoke for the first time 

And you heard me 

When I cried the first time, 

you kissed me 

When I left for the first time, 

you missed me 

I was a shield 

tightly guarded 

in self preservation 

But you, 

You were an open door 

You wanted to throw

your arms around the world 

You cried about the things 

That I didn't even notice  

And you wrote about the things 

I couldn't even see

you saw colors like navy green

But life happened 

It came in like a wrecking ball

And broke every window 

in your hotel heart 

I've watched you fall apart 

It's slow and it's pretty 

It's not very noticeable, 

unless you look closely 

The cracks in your heart 

Are the fault lines the threaten 

The very earth might give way 

So I pray for the day

That you cry and you say 

I can't live this way