do you know we’ll fall in love

 you walk softly

“follow me, i want to show you something”

dark night, marked by bright lights

white moonflowers, they seem to glow

overlooking the city

that i grew tall in

the city you call home,

even if for a moment

do you know we’ll fall in love

do you know what the next year holds

a dark day, a painful face

then love that eclipses,

overshadows

then brightens this

and opens the way

you walk softly

you are more excited &curious 

than anyone else in the world

follow me, i’ll show you something

lilacs bloom, overlooking the highway 

running through the city, 

that you grew up in

the smell is overwhelming

your eyes are bright

do you know, we’re still falling in love

do you know all the things,

the next year holds

i’d walk through anything

when it hurts, when it’s bliss

i’ll take on anything,

with you, my love 

i was so soft that you could crush me

 i was drunk 

i was so soft

that you could crush me, 

if you wanted to

i was see through 

and i listened to you

you pushed on the bruises

you poked holes in every argument

you poured salt on my wounds

vinegar, you said it was cleansing 

that truth means love

hard love 

and i would rather

take a blade to my wrist 

than your fucking judas kiss

fits into no box

 i don’t give a fuck

about your well meaning

sweetly intended

light hearted prayers

when you ignore the truth 

when you turn a blind eye

to the pain, to the dark deep black 

that fits into no box

that cannot be understood 

i do not smile for you

 i will not open up

to just everyone

you will miss me 

you will hate me 

i do not smile for you

laugh for you

not warm or kind or story telling 

i do not exist in your boundaries 

i do not follow rules

i’ll follow my gut 

i’ll laugh in your face

and i’ll laugh at the fool

who trusts somebody

i do not exist in your boundaries

i walk within my own fortress

i will let few into my inner circle.  

depth

they say the depth of my sorrow 

could be the depth of my joy 

and it runs deep.

there is no place

do you regret it

or was this the plan.

not stepping in.

the smallest shift

of time

and space 

moving violence,

to another place

where it is karma,

where it is due

or to a dead end

a black hole

sins hidden 

at the bottom of the sea.

but there is no place. 

there is no space.

maybe someone 

deserves the karma,

the hate.

but violence spreads violence

hurt to hurt to hate to hate

darkness to darkness 

pain spreading pain.

there is no place 

there is no place

spring called

spring called 

I had never heard her voice like that. 

cracked with sorrow. 

a ninth sister

she sings with tears

asks the sky questions

like why did god hide

from the violence, in fear. 

everything is green, growing. 

the trees flower 

the flowers still bloom,

their sweet colors

soothe the sadness.

their contrast pricks.

bitterness softens, again, again.

softens to quiet.

reveals the grief.

hot sun, brown our shoulders.

melt ice in the coffee.

blue sky, backdrop our cigarette smoke. 

lean in and listen. to our talks.

we talk of change. of plans. of days.

not said outright,

but we talk of pain.

magnolias flower

magnolias flower

it’s spring and i 

am breathing differently.

night walks 

scavenge for lilies and peonies

notice the empty

ache in my mind. 

the words have drained 

replaced by a hunger. 

a silent hope. not turned to thought yet 

magnolia flower, 

it’s spring and i, 

am split on the inside. 

one year, my tangerine

one year

full of everything

favorite color, 

my tangerine

yellow sapphire 

warm window,

flung open  

cold hands,

recent thaw 

you’re in the soft dirt

turning over

ready for new growth

i love how you shake things up

and bring them to life. 

i love the way you see. 

squinted eyes,

realize

im your tiger

you’re my bird

or sometimes

the other way around.

you look at me, 

like you look at the garden

i’m the luckiest honey.  

i tackle you to the ground 

& you kiss my face. 

morning moon

morning moon

possibly my favorite

bright against deep blue 

fading into background

as sunrise arrives

morning moon

crystal crescent

or fading half

sharp as my spirit 

soft as my thoughts 

simple and tired

still dreaming. 

morning moon

kisses me softly 

i forget last night 

little sleep, still relief

greets me again 

it seems like we

are the only two awake

morning moon

possibly my favorite moon. 

betrayal pt 2

i will be confronted

slapped by betrayal

please say it to my face

i would rather take 

a blade to my wrist

than your fucking judas kiss

soft on my cheek

heavy in my guts. 

the deepest cuts. 

i will be kissed by pain

life, physical, visceral

heavy with, 

abuse and affection

life, physical, visceral

we dance with it

my body keeps score

it reminds me

of what i forget.

betrayal pt 1

i will be kissed by pain

i will suck on the lips of heartbreak

i will face death

and the impact

the weight

i will walk with silence

and the deafening sound

of blurry questions.

it pushes my temples

it chokes me.

strangle me, not her

how can i carry it? 

what can i do.

where do i scream

and rage

i want to punch the walls

but they punch me.

i have pushed my emotions

but they push me.

they hit me

and you can’t hit them back.

if you hit, you hit yourself

or someone else.

gray against the morning

my head is fog 

my breath is fog

gray against the morning

thoughts against the grain

of how i want this day to be

we start our days

we make our way

but we don’t plan for trouble

we don’t expect,

the things that come. 

pressed from within and without

do you know 

i was strained through a sieve

filtered and combed through

you pushed me

so i would give up.

i was drained by your search

to find fault and discrepancy.

i was pressed,

from within and without

til i stopped pushing it

you say trust my gut

but i dont feel it tug anymore.

im your big blue wind

im your big blue wind

you named me that 

cause i blow you away

i swallow you up. 

im your big blue wind 

i say it bitterly

i say it to myself. 

i hear my voice echo.

in me. all the things i can’t say.

the words are choked

they come out wrong. 

the misunderstanding it crushes me.

im your big blue wind

turquoise on sand

i see it

i see so many things

my changing sky

azure, peach, violet

all the same moment 

your soft profile 

your sharp, dark hair 

green eyes, send shivers

your skin reflection

settles on mine

my bird, my peach 

let me see 

your mind, how it moves

how bright it is 

like turquoise on sand 

it stings, but doesn’t ruin everything

blue water

i draw from a well

i expect to dry up

it keeps giving,

when i return

i turn within

& enough is there 

even a drop.

hello smile,

it’s been a while.

hello deep breath,

i thought you left me

along with sleep

and simple thoughts

can i have a conversation

about nothing 

about weather. 

tell me how you’re feeling.

stop worrying about me.

i don’t have words for these things.

in the morning,

i see the orange silence

the foggy highway

sleepy drivers

steam from coffee

empty stomach

in the morning, 

thoughts are simple

but i still remember

and it stings

but doesn’t ruin everything.

silver bones

small frame

silver bones

a little sad

mostly strong

it’s been a long time

right? or was it yesterday.

was it last night. 

did it happen?

maybe not.

my body, my head,

my sadness says yes

my anger says fuck

my happy says well

atleast the sun rises

atleast i can sleep

and dream deep at night.

viridian blue

the first wave 

was viridian blue

a beautiful hue

it crushed my spirit 

pressed against my face

a kiss i didn’t want.

they’re growing too

yellow thoughts

bright and new

slow thoughts

gray or green

dull in the morning

quiet and sweet.

groggy eyes, sore feet

you told me you need

more space to breathe.

i push you

or do i pull

i find direction, distraction

i need space too

i need to fling off restraints

eliminate factors

rest from the push, the pull

the dance of the other. 

does my distance

just make you worry.

let go my honey.

i let go too. retract my claws.

they grab when im hungry. 

trust me, im still a wolf.

a tiger, leave me to hunt. 

i push you, or i stop.

please get up. or sit down.

please take what you want

walk out the door,

wander the greenhouse

follow your hunger

you’ll find new pages

clear the fog, the haze

you own the day

you’ll find yourself,

in tact, at the center

still bright green, growing

green blue blends

red, blurring glaze

orange poppies

dark soil, 

brown as coffee

weeds gather, 

they are beautiful

they’re growing too.

all the colors are a different tone

don’t you know

my world flipped upside down.

and nothing is the same.

did you know

everything feels different?

all the colors are a different tone.

and i can’t breathe when im alone.

i hear it underneath

life is bittersweet. 

lump in your throat pt.1

give me your words

lean in, lean close

i know it can be hard

to talk w/ emotion

it can be stuck, 

a lump in your throat.

tell me the truth

is it hard to wake up? 

is it hard to sleep.

is summer bittersweet.

when you can’t shake the feeling

pain has a way, of infiltrating

of filtering and tainting

the color of everything.

June 2019

lump in your throat pt. 2

lump in my throat

bruised knee

and sore muscles

you are a breeze

and i am a puzzle

i push and i struggle

w/ the smallest things.

eyes on the sky

hands in the garden

kiss me, unharden

my bitter heart.

notice the trees,

let go of the rotten

i’ll bring back forgotten

dreams and restart.

July 2019

a deep jade

dark blue wondering 

palest, softest moonlight

casts light in lines

i can see your face

a little clearer in the dark. 

enough to see

the line,

between your eyebrows

tired thoughts

pastel emotions

dim and stirred 

confusing at night. 

too heavy for now. 

a conversation 

we don’t want to start. 

but refuses to fade. 

dark purple. 

grays and shadows.

a deep jade, 

you are still so beautiful

when you cry. 

do not drown my love

your fears sting me

but don’t scare me away. 

every shade of blue

bright early hour

indirect light

clear and cold

snow doesn’t shimmer,

like last nights moon cast

but it’s soft in the morning.

my list is getting long

all the ways i could be better

make my edges softer

my emotions not reactive 

my eyes more steady.

i know you'll take me as i am

but i don’t want to be

how i am.

i want to stand like the sycamore.

change like the sky.

every color and mood

every shade of blue 

no stress, just shifting light. 

none of them alarming. 

did i cross it an hour ago

ideas and trains of thought.

what is and what’s next and what may be.

what we did and what we’re doing.

tied up, headache and heartbeat. 

try to wrap my head around, understand. 

too much. 

compress and condense. try to be steady. feeling and energy, it is pressure, white emotion.

yellow sparks of anger. where does the hurt come from. what lights the fire.

why does it just happen, when i don’t care. i don’t think. my emotions just speak. 

and the more i speak the less i am heard.

too much

the lump, the haze

the fog, the cloud 

a fist in my stomach

something i cannot say

but cannot swallow

it’s a prick 

a sharp pain 

when i cross that line.

where is it. i have no idea. 

is it ten minutes, is it one minute. 

did i cross it an hour ago. 

hints

taken in by crocodiles

raised by wolves

before stepping into light 

found by the foxes 

kissed by morning

seen by the sunrise,

the outline of last nights moon.

crocodile tears

and saltwater fears,

rusted gears.

slips by,

hints

stubborn lips

graceful hips.

whispered word

soft explanation 

early bloom

quiet room

im the the sun

you’re the moon

shutter speed

shutter speed

not quick enough

to take the moment

the look on your face

the look on your face

the look on your face

it blows me away

the look on your face

the look on your face

it’s pushed me away

shutter speed

light paints

translates to ink 

not enough

to capture the smile

to capture the grief

good grief

once in a blue moon 

steal my thunder

go toe to toe

fight with me

take the sour

with a grain of salt.

the bitter words do fade. 

see eye to eye

good grief

lighten up

heavy heart 

see change,

soft orange 

blue hues.  

catnap in warmth

sleep on it

dream that you, 

trip to the sun 

face the music

and come on home.