you’re the future

your mothers tears,

your mothers fears

stored up

wrapped up 

given to you 

your fathers sigh

his triumph and failure

all these things

run through your veins

strengthen your bones

thorn in your side,

pit in your stomach

these things, 

run through your veins 

do they have the final say?

is it destiny or dna

walk on, tiger

forage the forest

tear through the jungle

make a sound 

like no one else

you’re not history 

you’re the future

you bloom and grow 

out of the cracks

pieces of the past

born from the pillars

of your mothers smile 

and your fathers grin

sweat and sin 

crack like the earth

opening up

tip your head back

to drink the water

hunger and thirst

you will get your fill

you will find your name

you will make a way 

i want to begin

Life began, i don’t remember when 

it spit us out of the garbage chute

out of the waterfall 

sent downstream 

moving like a crocodile

strong as a bull

head above water, faster than a kayak

when it hurt, i didnt notice

i shook off the dust

i didn’t stop to cry

over spilled milk

or even suicide

i didn’t stop,

to smell the roses

or smell the blood

that poured from the cuts

i didn’t see the tears that glisten

catching sunlight 

on even the darkest day

my hands are still strong 

my heart still beats too fast

in need of a hug

in need of a bath

are we invincible

or vulnerable

i don’t want to be just one

it seems like they

are the only two options

surely there’s balance 

surely there’s an in between,

a half written song

maybe we can still

live in the future

looking ahead, 

without missing today 

being alive, 

a blessing and a curse

a hug and a kiss

the strongest fist

when i see the sunset, 

it’s like life ends

i don’t want it to end

i want to begin

yellow as the moon

life is pale, but bright

yellow as the moon

that keeps us awake

you give and you take

in the depths of the night

always leaving a bite for me

always leaving the door unlocked

my nose is blocked

my system shocked

sore legs and dizzy heads

shared beds

i starve and i thirst

so take life 

and drink it to the dregs

drink til i burst

overfilled cups

empty water bottles

lost keys and wasted time

never wasted i guess

time is never wasted

even if it’s spent on 

spending, giving

hurting and taking

sleeping and healing

too much feeling

try to find words

try to find meaning

it’s not that deep

just go to sleep

tomorrow you’ll wake up

with an empty stomach

and a clear head

ready for more

ready to devour the day 

ready to speak strongly

work hard

and sing better songs 

i come up for air

things turned blue 

like the sky 

when the clouds pass

smoothing it over

pushing the weather

to make room for today

yellow as the moon

that smiles down

keeping us awake 

tossing and turning

these seas of possibilities

keep me wondering 

overwhelming waves 

push me under 

but i come up for air

i come up for air

push me down

or reach for me

i will still 

come up for air 

the sunlight heals

did you know 

you brought light 

and art 

into my life 

that when you came around 

i noticed 

how the food tasted 

how the sunlight healed 

and how clay felt

when it was shaped into something

and i remembered 

it was better to stop 

than keep on running

did you know that 

when we met

i was quieter than I’d ever been 

i was weak from the fight

i had stitches in my skin

i was afraid i was no longer me 

i was afraid the shape shifting shell

had finally run out of energy

and i was done.

& sunlight hurts

but it’s better to wake up 

and face the day 

life feels like vacation 

or sometimes just a sick day 

when im not working three jobs

but it isn’t so lonely 

& powerless

when a friend is nearby 

to remind you eat, drink and sleep

and remind me that,

im still me 

even when my battery is on 1%. 

so stand tall

and listen to the branches fall

walk on 

listen to your favorite song 

even if you just love it this week. 

so stand strong 

the ride will keep

pushing you along 

make sure to laugh 

and drink until

the drink is gone

and stay put

if you find somewhere 

that feels like home 

try to rest 

try to take your walls down 

and the sunlight hurts

but it’s better to wake up 

and face the day 

lounge in the darkness

I need to lounge in the darkness 

held by the night 

I need to press my nose

on rock bottom 

and feel it cut my face 

I need to drink the gravel 

and the quicksand 

that buries me 

Ill wash my feet in the snow 

and watch the blood seep  

feel the salt in my skin 

washed out in the deep

because 

do you know 

that I don’t feel much 

That I don’t know what 

To say 

unbroken by snow

hope, will reach you

with arms like tree branches

strengthened by sunlight 

unbroken by snow

reaching up

like a newborn baby 

hungry and expectant

and hope will reach you 

like the mother of all

she’ll swoop you up

pull you out from 

underwater

and teach you to walk 

hope, will reach you 

it’ll stretch like power lines 

buzzing from the source 

lighting up the shadows

on the littered street

hope you will reach you

you’ll get back up 

you’ll feel relief again

you’ll notice the sunlight 

melting the snow into 

new, clean water

you’ll notice the warmth 

on the coldest day 

you’ll find the words

to speak today 

sugar for the pill

and life came 

crashing down on me 

the eye of the tiger 

like the eye of the storm 

was the place i was calm 

and all of your judgement

came over me 

and stepped on my throat 

when i was in the ditches, 

gasping for air 

and all of your love 

all of your kindness 

was just sugar for the pill

it sure made things 

easier to swallow 

because ill be your dog

I’ll be your child 

if it means getting crumbs 

from your table 

im still surprised

sharp blue sky

wind whipping your hat off 

and your hair in your eyes

im still surprised

to have friends

to rant over coffee 

about the weather

about my mother

and the people 

that try to manage me

and the fact that my jeans 

have no front pockets. 

and your drawings 

& doodles are much cooler than mine 

it’s hard to draw a straight line

or even find a pen 

but im still surprised 

to have found a friend 

everyone cries on the steering wheel 

everyone squints when the sun hangs low

i turn my face to the sun and know

that while we still have 

roads to walk

& work to do 

maybe i laugh too fast 

and speak too soon

but it keeps getting better

and im still surprised 

to have found a friend

lay it on me now

the pain it pricks 

indefinitely 

your smile, is kept 

in spite of me 

i keep my pace

persistently 

i call you up 

to hear you speak

and i can take it

lay it on me now 

i can give you the list

of everything

that makes me tough

that makes me laugh

and sometimes cry

the cats meow

you run and laugh 

and fight like I do 

Is it true? 

are you fearless like the wind 

quick as a hawks wing 

hyena laughter 

half pistol, half moonflower soft 

howling if not singing 

at the swinging moon

do you dream? 

do you dream of dying too? 

or of running in place 

everyone else is 

so close behind,

but never catching up

because independence

 is everything 

and my loneliness

is the cats meow

i’m not afraid to be alone 

or am I?

i feel see through 

i wait for you to notice 

how much of a coward i am

you poke at the thin walls 

i feel fragile and small 

and i hate it all 

watch me bite your head off 

watch me bark and howl 

and laugh at my growl

im better than this 

i don’t dress to impress,

but i won’t look like a mess

and i refuse to digress

somebody’s gotta 

take me seriously 

because i sure don’t

july twenty seven

i apologize, for the grief 

when i yelled instead of crying 

when i was loud instead of quiet 

when i pushed you, 

instead of kissing your face 

i apologize for the heaviness

when i piled on the weight

and when i pressured you to move 

when you needed to wait

i am sorry for the walls, 

instead of opening the gate 

and when i turned into stone, 

when you needed a soft face

i know i move too fast,

when you need a slow pace

i know i miss all the details 

and brush over small things 

and i look to the future

then forget where i need to be 

i know i carry a lot

and look down on the weak 

and then i seem to collapse

from the smallest of things 

i know i bulldoze the garden

instead of letting it grow 

i know i feel too much 

and i can’t let it show 

and i tear down the boundaries 

when you expect me to save face 

i know im rocking the boat

and im a kick in the face 

im sorry for the ways

i could be better, i could do more 

im on your side, but sometimes 

i think i make you hurt more

forgive me for the failure 

forgive me for the grief 

forgive me for the anger

forgive me for being me 

as if i hadn’t got your text

I know I’m late responding 

as if i hadn’t got your text 

don’t mean to keep you waiting 

it hasn’t killed you yet

I saw you in the morning 

wrapped up in all your pain 

you keep saying sorry 

and things just stay the same

i will find you

you lit up 

like a fire at blue river 

your smile, made me shiver 

hoping it’s real 

hoping your heart 

is happy and healing 

i will hold you 

i will break through 

the trees and the blue 

just to get through to you 

i will find you 

in this maze 

the drunken days 

were not meant for you 

nov. 3rd

tripping through the streets 

at 2am 

you hit my face

and i tackled you to the ground

because it’s better to fight 

react and respite

it reminds us we are here

we’re skin and bones 

bruised and bleeding 

sore but getting stronger 

it reminds me the earth still stands beneath 

and the sidewalks and streets 

will carry us home 

outside of the green lady

the feeling is

the wind 

on an autumn morning 

when you feel the cold

when it’s still kind of warm out 

like the blinking water tower

like the awkward traffic 

the people on the corner 

i give them gatorade 

& sometimes money 

even when it feels wrong 

like the fountains on ward parkway 

dyed blue, for the royals

the walls on 71

spray painted red 

for the chiefs 

even though they lost

and the feeling of 

driving by loose park 

so many trees, 

bright with fall colors 

people scattered

for picnics and frisbee 

and photoshoots 

so i drive to swope park 

i watch the sunset

and wonder

if he’s buried beneath the granite  

or under the orange leaves 

and how the waters so pretty

when it moves with the breeze 

winding and restless

i walk the path 

scratched by thorns

stuck with burrs and dried leaves

it feels like home 

it feels like being here yet far away 

i take it in 

i breathe deep 

i take photos of trees 

and empty pools 

and i drive to blue river 

it seems more right

dirty water 

cigarette butts

the crumbling road

settles by the bridge

where we have fires, 

that burn the day away

burns away the memories 

that are too painful 

the day that was too long 

the life that is too confusing. 

& that’s the feeling 

it’s like a sword fight 

outside of the green lady 

it only stings a little 

when you fight with a friend 

& you’re sipping on gin

it’s like jazz, it feels good 

it doesn’t really resolve

but surrounds us at night 

it feels like life

and i feel alright

silver veins

You reached for me 

with arms like tree branches

silver veins 

hands that dripped with stardust 

and gunpowder

you held me 

carried me like the river we swim 

you came closer than the grass underneath

quiet like the sunset 

bright like the stars

you were suddenly there 

the moon has no need for an entrance or announcement

I breathed you in 

like our cigarettes and coffee

there was music in your eyes 

notes drifted into my ears

your knee bounced like a kick drum 

& rhythm quickened my heartbeat 

i do not sing

there’s not much to sing about 

when every other voice around me 

is louder and much more dramatic

 but somehow you hear my quiet voice

and you hear me singing anyways 

you coax it out of me

words that are bright & heavy 

and i ask you questions 

cause it’s hard for me to know, too

just what you’re thinking

it’s like im looking at me 

& id rather talk about my sisters 

about work and music

and all the places we need to go 

& how we’re gonna make to make it there 

but you sit and stare

until i talk about me

on my way

i saw you

saw you looking back from where you’re going

don’t know what you need, 

know what you're showing

saw him, 

he that made a fool of all your crying

left you such a mark you swear you’re dying 

but im on my way to where you are

im on my way to where you are 

go home 

ill call you in the morning when i need you

cause i got nothing left id love to feed you

and im on my way to where you are 

written by j taylor 

crack like the pavement

the tears,

they are random 

because i feel okay 

almost all of the time 

then i crack like the pavement 

i melt for a moment 

i stare at the simple, open sky 

and i dream of a place

where the wind never dies 

& tears aren’t so funny 

and rivers are wine 

because i try to find 

a hand to hold mine 

but nobody wants me

no one is mine

i run until i can’t 

i run until my nose bleeds

i run until the pain 

is in my muscles and joints 

and not my head and heart

i grip the steering wheel 

i punch the dash 

i peer through the camera 

and it makes me gasp 

because all of this, 

whether or not it comes into focus 

is so beautiful 

it takes my breath away

you contain galaxies

i will 

remember the moments

that i saw the real you 

blue eyes

present 

intense and unafraid

your fear of the future 

of the shifting tides

that remind you 

that you are shifting, changing 

barely containing 

this heavy, hovering anger 

i see you 

i see the beautiful, magnificent boy

that is you 

you contain multitudes 

you contain galaxies 

mountains and seas 

storms and gardens 

they seem to contradict 

they seem to hurt everyone 

as they come in waves

but you’re not meant to hurt 

you’re not meant to contain 

you’re meant to channel

all of this energy 

love and emotion

anger and pain 

it’ll turn into music

it’ll turn into pain

life won’t contain you 

life won’t betray 

love won’t control you 

love won’t restrain

faded green

i held in my arms 

the shattered pieces 

my scars have worn down 

i don’t remember my arms before 

the tattoos and scars,

they are a part of me 

i stared at the wall 

at the ceiling fan 

i watched my plants wither away 

and stop blooming 

til they were weak and faded green 

til they looked like me 

crushed by exposure

somewhere in the neighborhood 

of grit and good intention

i lost my way 

because i was strained through the sieve 

i was crushed by exposure

like the maple leaves

i burst into color 

before falling to the ground

and maybe it’s the weather,

or lack of sleep 

or my worn out boots 

or the ground underneath

maybe it’s the distance 

between you and me

retrograde

my heart could burst

my head could explode

it’s funny that, we use these 

morbid or dramatic descriptions

because it seems to me

that our bodies can’t contain, 

can’t maintain 

the worlds within, 

that shift and then

keep us turning, 

orbiting, yearning 

the hearts we carry

bending and burning 

the galaxies that spin

outside us or in

is it bliss or a sin

because id sell my birthright 

to drink a tall glass of gravity.  

maybe im not all right

maybe it’s my sun sign 

or the shadow of myself

that keeps the words inside

& the books on the shelf

maybe it’s because the moon

maybe it’s the way you move

the tide, the sun, the cool shade

maybe it’s mars in retrograde