cicadas

sunlight 

and clarity 

and laughter, 

laughing at sky 

and the wind 

and the sweaty humidity 

that blankets us in 

and sends us running, 

into water 

into something

anything 

to cool us down

i love the summer 

& i hate the bugs

i love the heat, the sunburn 

the porch nights 

the neighbors loud music 

the sirens on the paseo

the crickets &

cicadas humming 

or screaming 

or whatever that sound is 

i love all the white noise 

that we call home 

i will wrap my arms around today

it’s funny that

each day is new 

but familiar enough 

to feel right and real 

when dawn breaks 

so does my heart, a little 

just enough 

to let grace seep into the cracks 

just enough to soak in, 

this new day 

my arms have stretched wide 

so wide, that they are sore 

they are torn 

from years of living 

i will wrap my arms around today 

i will wrap my arms around you 

i will hold you, i will love you 

but i will let go

i could never keep 

or contain, or control

such divine people 

such wild, beautiful things 

but somehow i can hold them close 

my mind is open

my back is tired

my heart is broken

but it heals bit by bit

my heart is broken, 

just enough, to let it soak in 

all the pain, all the promise 

all the life 

in this new day 

comforter

i sit on the curb 

like so

many times before 

i breathe it in deep

and my throat is a bit choked 

and i clench my teeth

to prevent the tears

What if, 

there’s a comforter 

could I come to him now? 

What if he is, near 

like the dirt 

close, like the grass

itchy on my skin 

what if she is quiet 

like the wind 

steady like the trees 

warm like the pavement 

under my feet 

with eyes that fill with tears 

and not anger. 

i’m not sure what I look for,

because I’ve seen a lot 

and so many beautiful people

it’s not like they aren’t enough

i don’t know what i expect

because i’ve heard it all before 

in screams and yells 

in songs and sermons 

in tearful whispers 

and laughing, lighthearted words 

what if 

there’s a comforter 

who knew just what to say 

or not say 

what if 

they are here 

around, and within 

what if they are with me now.

we stayed up til morning

we stayed up til morning 

threw rocks in the water

talked about your brother 

and the choices he made

that fuck with your emotions 

I talked about my summer 

and how it didn’t go as planned 

how I’m still unraveling 

what I don’t understand 

you talked about your mother 

she’s a person from a movie 

The way she laughs, and talks 

and worries about her kids 

The way she’s so unassuming

but there’s a gleam in her eye 

when she feigns ignorance 

You talked about your lover

and the sadness he sinks into 

and how he acts his way through 

and how you climb out together

with laughter, and wigs, and a party jig

we stayed up all night

til the sky began to brighten 

it takes hours to enlighten

when you realize you’re friends 

i pulled open the blinds 

before i sank into the bed

to glimpse the sun coming up 

in all it’s glorious red 

libra

I saw you
I knew we would be friends
the way you walk
and talk
and laugh at the sun
I couldn’t pin you down
you bird in the wind
I cannot make you stay
a tiger untamed
you’re not lost,
you’re not on the run
like me, you walk fast
wherever you’re going
earthy and happy
clay on your hands,
the color of rust
food in your pockets
dancing in trust
music at midnight
you shake off the dust
your heart is full
a millionaire
with empty hands.

I see you,
I know we are friends
I don’t pretend to know
the depths that you swim

you’re not here to help me
you’re not here to need me
I’m not here to fix you
and get you to change

I will tread lightly
and accept this gift
I’m here for you, Libra
I’ll be close and distant
we both need to breathe
I’ll let you be
I’m happy to be
independent and me
but on your team
for the time being
short it may be
maybe a year
or just a few minutes
if it’s longer than planned
I’ll walk with you, friend

June 17

i apologize for not knowing

I woke up
with pain in my chest,
and words in my mind
I was found at the bottom
I did not know,
that I could get any lower
I was found at the point
where the sun does not shine
it is one place,
in the middle of the ocean
covered in water
I felt such fear- I don’t swim well
but there’s a place to stand
just under the surface
a place for my feet
such a relief
because I am afraid of drowning.
I tried to take my life
three times, but each time
you stopped me
I did not know
I could stay in this life
now I choose to live,
I know it’s right
to be a friend to the friendless
to stay alive for my sisters
for them, and for me
because I need a friend
and I need my sisters
to hold me up.

I did not know
there was pain this deep
I didn’t know
that I would lose the thing
that I gave my life for
that I would open up
to be seen, and known
and that my soul
is one too broken to be bear
that my reckless mind
is too wild to contain
in this religion
too restless to sit
in solemn services.
I am friendless
and worn thin from uncertainty
not a friend to myself
or sight to see
I am not special
or different
not better or worse
my pain is my own
and it is not much
compared to the people
that weigh heavy on my heart
I don’t want to fix them
I don’t want to be fixed
I just want to share
in the life we live.

I did not know
that everything ends
and that each day
is a place to begin
I did not think
I could start again
the clearest blue
the softest wind
a bright new way
the stuff behind me
is not held against me
but it shaped me,
broke me, made me who I am
and at this place
I will find a friend
I did not know- I could not even hope for it
and I apologize for not knowing.

gemini

your mind was broken 

somewhere, along the way 

maybe between 

the rising expectation

and your imminent failure

maybe you got torn 

when you stretched your arms 

trying to reach around the past 

and the future 

all at once 

maybe you got sick

on the speed boat 

maybe you got whiplash

when it screeched to a halt

or choked a bit 

when the water came too high 

when for the first time

it was all too much 

you pull me in
i am swept along for the ride
in the thick of the madness
the beautiful mess
shock factor of this
highest highs
and lowest lows
i cry with laughter
and then you devastate me. 

i know i can’t see

all the layers in there 

i just see the outside

roll my eyes at the drama 

and gasp at the heart attack 

shake hands with new characters 

that enter your act 

marvel at the heights you climb 

and the darkness you descent to

and still it’s all see through

i know you don’t mean to

i know you don’t know 

still we clap at the colors 

of your firework show 

no reason to rise

find the cracks 

that will give way 

with the, slightest pressing

poke holes in my fragile argument

put your fingers, in the holes in my side

it’s true- im dead, im crucified

but i am not a savior 

no reason to rise 

do you ever feel like you’re just losing? 

im not sure how, ive got nothing to lose 

June 3rd

im leaving here

it ran in small rivers

dripping off my elbows

staining my torn jeans shorts

within a nauseous bubble 

the world felt small 

yet i was crushed by the weight of it

i didn’t plan this out 

i didn’t want to be seen this way 

he held my ankles between his feet,

as i tried to move towards the cliff

you’re not going anywhere

yes i am 

I’m leaving here

please don’t make me stay

the emt was breathing hard

much more nervous than me

i didn’t feel the sting 

but felt the iv 

fluid like ice through my veins 

you’re not going anywhere 

yes i am 

please don’t make me stay

ghosts

you know i don’t believe in ghosts 

remind me just what means the most 

speak like a thousand sunsets 

trusting the silence will settle my heart 

may 4th

imprinted

You imprinted me

suddenly 

although im no longer 

dripping with ink 

you imprinted me

and gratefully, 

i hold onto the you 

that’s inside of me

May 3rd

soft hunger

peel back the layer

pull back the covers

of the morning 

run your eyes, 

and open wide 

listen to the quiet 

feel the sore muscles

the soft hunger 

the ache of memory 

when you remember, suddenly 

the things you already know

but they hurt again, each time

3/1

you didn’t tell me 

i didn’t know how

it wasn’t your fault 

i’ll fix it somehow 

i never waited

i always moved on

usually happy 

singing a song 

it was my dad

words that he said

stabbed into me

left me for dead

it was your mom

her curious judgement

they couldn’t keep

in step with our movement 

pain

it’s on the road 

it rides the tumbling wind

its in the load

that i carry, again

it’s on the windshield

in small rivers of rain

it looks like hope

but it’s feeling like pain

heart

stars, they still

my restless movement

quieting down

my beating heart

friend, you still

have eyes to see me

ears to hear

my fading heart

sister

sister

walk with me 

tell me about your troubles 

this life, it isn’t so bad 

but it is hard

with all of its shattered pieces

it is pretty beautiful 

although we are still rebuilding

and im not sure 

which piece goes where

i’ll admit, there are some years 

that i don’t remember all that much

because we move forward

putting one foot

in front of the other 

the road,

it hasn’t been so bad

it’s covered in leaves

and forgotten dreams

but im happy to walk it with you. 

it hurt too much

I was running 

At a ferocious pace

keeping you at arms length 

because it hurt too much 

I was losing 

at an atrocious rate 

keeping it at bay 

because it hurt too much 

and you just

made that face

and looked away

cause it hurt too much 

jack

jack, don’t look back 

i know you’d take the flak 

i know you fell to your knees 

and cried, when you heard about that 

jack, i know you’re in too deep 

is there a heart to keep?

is there something to find 

under the rubble heap? 

your daughter, grew into a mother 

she named her wildest son after you

your princess, she grew into a lover 

but she still talks about you

talks about you 

home

my soul 

has dreamed of rest

of quiet 

here, within the storm

of peace 

within this race we run 

my heart has hungered

for going home 

and breathing in 

and letting go 

and taking in, 

not shutting out 

the reckless love

surrounding us

hush

i think about you often 

i think about your eyes 

unimpressed or content

understanding,

trying to understand 

slow to speak 

easy to follow 

but it takes patience

to hear your thoughts unfold 

slow moving 

moving forward

your emotions 

are quite overwhelming 

your thoughts 

are always delving 

deeper than i do 

deeper than 

i’d like to think 

you’re nervous 

but you hide it well 

you play it cool 

hoping, and

asking 

and ready for the ride

for someone who feels 

so unsteady, 

you are pretty steady 

you look back, 

you look forward

you soak it in

you look inward 

if you’re asking me

maybe too much

you look into me, 

and it makes me hush

all the stars are closer

all the stars are closer

when you’re near 

the trees aren’t going 

anywhere 

although they move 

and so do i 

the smoke will fade

into the sky 

although you’re here 

you’re far away 

the night is dark 

we dream of day 

i hear your heartbeat 

in the cold 

i realize that 

we’re growing old

cigarette

you took 

forever and a day 

to smoke a cigarette 

your eyes far were away 

and you wouldn’t let 

me in 

it’s funny what makes you feel

it’s funny what makes you feel again 

when your sister sighs 

and says, you’re crazy 

but i love you

when your friend says 

im worried about you, friend 

it seems like you’re drowning 

but you’re not crazy 

and another says 

it’ll be okay, you’re not alone

it’s funny what makes you feel something

like the traffic lights 

by my parents house

they’re a different color,

like coke bottle green 

it’s funny what makes you feel 

like film photographs

with all those faces 

i hate the screen, but 

i keep charging my phone

because im afraid 

i’ll lose all the photos

i keep paying in change 

to remember those days

it feels more real

i keep driving you home

and taking it slow 

i keep singing that song

the one we both know

over and over again 

im not sick of it 

it makes me feel 

& it’s funny 

what makes you feel again

i apologize

dearest friend

when does it end

i apologize for everything 

im so sorry for the grief

i wonder why you 

never sleep 

I’ve seen your smile 

but it’s been a while 

i never know 

just what to say 

i know i always

say too much 

i reach, 

you’re slipping

out of touch

im here,

i know 

im not enough 

bevvy jo

i looked

and saw the past

it doesn’t seem to exist 

until you talk about it

she said her dad was always angry at her 

and she didn’t know why

that her mom was a hard, 

strong little woman 

raised in an orphanage

I told her that they loved her 

but didn’t know how to say it 

& that i remember when Nana (her mom) died because the song Give Me Jesus

“i picked that song. i don’t know if she liked it. you were there? how did you know her?”

i reminded her who i was,

who my parents are

brad and Stephanie 

i’m your granddaughter 

& she heard it, like the very first time 

like i suddenly existed

a brand new baby 

her eyes filled with tears 

and her shoulders began to shake 

because the weight of the years 

is a lot to take in 

and it hurts each time,

when you hear for the first time

again and again 

i told her it was real

and it’s such a relief 

each time she hears 

it’s hearing for the first time 

i read her this poem 

and she responded 

“it’s the truth 

it’s soft and it’s real.”

i feel okay

the floor has been ripped 

from underneath 

my thoughts are scattered

as I try to make sense 

of the change in plans 

I pull together 

what I can 

I clothe myself 

with temporary cover ups 

I am not okay 

but I feel okay 

Most of the time 

january 1

On New Year’s Day

I woke up to say 

I can’t live this way 

the real thing

I reflect

I am a mirror 

I’m not the thing, 

I’m reflecting it 

a backwards rendition 

a dim portrait 

a hazy replay 

of the real thing 

I work, I run 

Towards the real thing 

snowy in kansas city

it’s snowy in Kansas City

but I still see the sun

shine bright on the morning

wake up, and cry  

 

I know that song 

that song reminds me 

reminds me to try 

to see through your eyes 

it’s snowy in Kansas City

but I still see the sun 

I was up before morning 

I woke up to cry 

enough

I feel light 

and heavy 

at the same time 

I keep running, and working 

moving faster

to keep in time 

with my wild mind  

I keep running

But I can’t seem to stand

I can’t seem to stand 

The floor feels better 

The floor holds me 

as I fall apart

It feels like blood

But it’s just tears, 

Dripping from my eyes

I don’t feel sad, angry or mad

but I guess Im just broken

I guess I’ve just had 

Enough

weight of the world

You laid down 

your head resting

You were quiet 

And decided 

That you were done

Lay your head 

again my dear 

against the wood 

Look at the sky

sharp blue and soft clouds

Look at your life 

and all you hold onto

You don’t have to carry 

The weight of the world

plans for me

All your testimonies 

Are written on my arms 

Written in the stars

Your plans for me 

night swallows day

I will be here 

I’ll prop you up, 

in a makeshift way 

I’ll help you stand

when night swallows day 

peripheral

you were a loose cannon 
my little trainwreck

staying in the peripheral

at the edges of my life 

you move fast, 

and drink slow

looking for the right song

and none of them fit

remember that Friday? 

we rode in a helicopter 

i gasped at the view 

i could see beyond this 

remember my birthday? 

i cried at my party

happy and sad

at the same time 

i was looking for the right song

and none of them would fit

trouble with boys

Your trouble with boys 

hurts like white noise 

wash up on the concrete 

wake and rejoice 

Your trouble with boys

drowning you out 

blurring your colors 

to shadow and doubt

all your trouble with men

stings on the skin 

like a tattoo, begin

with beautiful sin 

i don’t know how to

step into view 

to sink or to swim

to reach out and touch you 

Your trouble with boys

it hurts like the sunrise

somebody’s sunset

somebody’s morning 

i used to know you 

i used to know how

to unearth a smile 

to see you somehow

Still

sky's still blue 

grass still green 

wind still smooth 

snow still mean 

earth still soft 

road still free

I'm still here 

come to me

New Tattoo

It's sunny in Kansas City 

but my heart still hurts 

like a new tattoo 

like my face in the cold 

in my very first fight 

it was two on one

and I have a mind

that is triggered like a gun 

I have an anger 

that lights me up, 

puts my heart in danger

of giving up 

of going cold, of growing older

my heart still feels 

like a mountain boulder 

it's sunny in Kansas City 

but my heart still stings 

like the slap of the waves 

salt on the wounds

pain that it brings

but you are the bedrock 

on which I stand 

you are the rock 

in the city of sand 

my roots are deep

I will not fold 

but I need a fathers 

hand to hold

Boy

You were still reeling from losing your father

& talking with me was a cold glass of water

you weren't ok, tried to keep it together

we held on tight and outran the weather