weight of the world

You laid down 

your head resting

You were quiet 

And decided 

That you were done

Lay your head 

again my dear 

against the wood 

Look at the sky

sharp blue and soft clouds

Look at your life 

and all you hold onto

You don’t have to carry 

The weight of the world

plans for me

All your testimonies 

Are written on my arms 

Written in the stars

Your plans for me 

night swallows day

I will be here 

I’ll prop you up, 

in a makeshift way 

I’ll help you stand

when night swallows day 

peripheral

you were a loose cannon 
my little trainwreck

staying in the peripheral

at the edges of my life 

you move fast, 

and drink slow

looking for the right song

and none of them fit

remember that Friday? 

we rode in a helicopter 

i gasped at the view 

i could see beyond this 

remember my birthday? 

i cried at my party

happy and sad

at the same time 

i was looking for the right song

and none of them would fit

trouble with boys

Your trouble with boys 

hurts like white noise 

wash up on the concrete 

wake and rejoice 

Your trouble with boys

drowning you out 

blurring your colors 

to shadow and doubt

all your trouble with men

stings on the skin 

like a tattoo, begin

with beautiful sin 

i don’t know how to

step into view 

to sink or to swim

to reach out and touch you 

Your trouble with boys

it hurts like the sunrise

somebody’s sunset

somebody’s morning 

i used to know you 

i used to know how

to unearth a smile 

to see you somehow

Still

sky's still blue 

grass still green 

wind still smooth 

snow still mean 

earth still soft 

road still free

I'm still here 

come to me

New Tattoo

It's sunny in Kansas City 

but my heart still hurts 

like a new tattoo 

like my face in the cold 

in my very first fight 

it was two on one

and I have a mind

that is triggered like a gun 

I have an anger 

that lights me up, 

puts my heart in danger

of giving up 

of going cold, of growing older

my heart still feels 

like a mountain boulder 

it's sunny in Kansas City 

but my heart still stings 

like the slap of the waves 

salt on the wounds

pain that it brings

but you are the bedrock 

on which I stand 

you are the rock 

in the city of sand 

my roots are deep

I will not fold 

but I need a fathers 

hand to hold

Boy

You were still reeling from losing your father

& talking with me was a cold glass of water

you weren't ok, tried to keep it together

we held on tight and outran the weather

The Sound

You 

Are the feeling 

Of seeing the first star

by the car 

In the city,

where we can't see many

You 

are the porch

on a summer night 

gunshots  

in the city,

where the boys are ready

You 

Are the sound

of cicadas and fans

And all of the white noise 

That we call home

Tourist

You never thought

you never dreamed 

to see things bursting 

at the seams

Your smile real 

Your eyes are true 

But it's just

Overtaking you 

I didn't plan

my life to be

to play just like 

a funny movie 

I guess you're just 

a sight to see

and I'm a tourist

passing through 

to watch the show 

and never have you 

I didn't know 

my life would feel 

just quite like this 

but no one did 

I don't mean to play the victim 

I can't see beyond the friction 

the low is dark, the high is heaven

you come and go and come again

I don't think you're an addiction 

but you just seem to take, no giving

I'm just a tourist passing through

to see the sights and never have you 

Kissed by the Sun

You're looking better 

Kissed by the sun 

(yeah, but you can't see 

the things I've done)

You're looking brighter 

Have you finally won? 

(You can't imagine, all that needs redone)

August

We were laying by the pool 

I was running with a 

Ferocious pace

Keeping you at arms length 

Because it hurt too much

I wish I was better  

I wish I was brave 

But I am going

To need more grace 

Cascades

Don't be afraid 

Of cascades 

They'll come 

in Ribbons of color 

Shimmering, shuddering 

Small rivers running 

Blue In the veins 

Don't be afraid 

Of promenades 

Of glittering shame

It'll come

In skies and in wonder 

disguising and thundering 

Small storms tumbling

Red in the veins 

Don't be afraid

Of cascades

They'll come 

In currents of color

Crying and wondering

Small rivers running

Blue in the veins 

Arrow

A quiver full of arrows

chosen for you

I was the sharpest,

I flew the fastest

Into your heart 

To join the rest of your wounds

46 stitches

46 stitches 

Is not enough 

to fix this heart 

grant me relief 

grant me restart 

hope and belief 

just torn apart 

it was trust in me 

it was all of my doing

what's built on me

becomes my undoing

I kicked 

I screamed 

I fought relentlessly 

And finally 

Finally 

You've broken me

Walking on Air

There are not enough words

To engage your attention

To measure and gauge 

This constant affliction 

All that I've done 

It plays in my head

Feeds in a loop

What I haven't said 

Turns into desire

Call it attraction

The bed of a man

Grants me distraction

So grant me relief 

I know something's wrong

Not that I feel it, 

All feelings gone

But I see it within me 

Internal bleeding 

Silent and subtle

All that I'm needing

So I hold my head up 

I hold it together

Take the edge off

Adapt to the weather

Breath and keep breathing

Try hard to care 

And going to work 

Is walking on air 

Silver Heart

steady hazel eyes 

just like our father

you can see through the lies

you can feel through the rubble

steady silver heart 

just hidden from view

you've seen so many sunsets 

they just soaked into you 

I've seen you cry 

when you laugh too hard

I've seen you sleep

In the middle of the yard 

I saw you frown 

In that subtle way 

I saw you smile 

and it lit up the day

ER

I hold still 

and feel her rinse my wounds 

over and over again 

Each time the pain is fresh. 

Blonde hair and blue eyes

like me 

she is focused on the skin 

quietly answering my questions

Do you enjoy it? Do you like doing sutures?

stitch my skin up 

yeah, stitches are simple and easy 

it's one of the more enjoyable things

Realistic

The scars on my arms 

Make me look more realistic 

Because the inside of my heart

Looks nothing like the pictures 

It's never enough

It's never enough 

She said 

you have it once, 

And you want it again 

And the happiness is fake 

there's a sense of sadness 

In the numbing madness 

The pain is there 

Inside my heart

And coming down

Is the hardest part 

I can't live this way

I can't live this way 

She said 

My body is tired 

of the heavy loads 

the winding road 

was meant to be walked 

steady and free

not running on empty 

Navy Green

You were a sky

like the Fourth of July

When we first met

I spoke for the first time 

And you heard me 

When I cried the first time, 

you kissed me 

When I left for the first time, 

you missed me 

I was a shield 

tightly guarded 

in self preservation 

But you, 

You were an open door 

You wanted to throw

your arms around the world 

You cried about the things 

That I didn't even notice  

And you wrote about the things 

I couldn't even see

you saw colors like navy green

But life happened 

It came in like a wrecking ball

And broke every window 

in your hotel heart 

I've watched you fall apart 

It's slow and it's pretty 

It's not very noticeable, 

unless you look closely 

The cracks in your heart 

Are the fault lines the threaten 

The very earth might give way 

So I pray for the day

That you cry and you say 

I can't live this way

October Wind

What is the color 

of wind in October 

what would you call

The sound

of a baby's laugh?

it has the strength 

of all the fountains

in Kansas City 

but it's gentle 

like October wind 

What would you say

to make him turn this way 

what name do you call 

the one 

who made babies laugh 

I'm dying of thirst 

I'll drink anything first 

all the fountains 

in Kansas City 

but he's gentle 

like October wind 

"If you knew who I was

You would ask for a drink 

and I would give you living water."

Birth

I took my first breath

a cold, sharp gasp

bursting into the world

terribly bright and warm 

I made a fist 

around your finger 

holding on

The first words I heard

Were yours 

I took my first breath

a dark, smoky feeling 

drowning in the world 

wonderfully painful and dark 

I made a fist 

gave you the finger 

hanging on

all the words I heard 

Were mine 

I awoke 

and took my first breath

a cold, startling gasp 

breaking into the world 

Terribly bright and new

I make a fist

around your finger 

I hold on tight 

And the first words I hear 

Are yours 

Lungs

I am sin

dust and skin

I open doors and let it in

I ran away and tried to breathe 

But lungs weren't made for skies like these

Born to live and fall apart 

Born to die, and to restart

I walk the line of resurrection

My emptiness for your affection

psalm

The heaviness 

with hands on my temples 

grips my attention 

blurs my focus 

grasping for the heart within 

I hammock in the stillness

sleeping to pass the time 

cradled in darkness 

dreams are pain 

and waking is painful 

memories are real 

life is surreal 

so why am I 

Alone in the darkness

I don't mind the headache 

the migraine is heavy 

sunlight hurts

I cling to the words 

that a man once wrote 

alone in a cave 

cradled in darkness 

I'll sing them again 

and keep on at this 

"my light, my rock

you are my fortress"

Palace

stress the potion
the devotion 

navigate this 

magistrate 

redirect and don't negate 

the fact that I am calibrating 

every word you're celebrating 

every source and sorcerer 

little sleep and little peace 

we're trying just to understand

trying just to fall asleep 

all the new perspective 

driving back from dallas 

we're drinking every bottle

in the basement of the palace

Skin

The magic of the first time, 

I never felt again 

I hate to see you seeing, 

The stitches on my skin 

Summer flew 

And landed somewhere

The place where lost things go 

I wonder if you're living

With someone or alone 

The pain of the first time 

I feel again, again 

I'd love to see you loving 

Someone outside your skin 

Summer Sweat

Summer let

Us unravel again 

Fall into sin 

Swim in the deep end 

And come up for air 

Summer sweat 

Your words are irrelevant 

Lying here 

It's the same, but different 

You tell me you want it 

But I know you don't

Summer spent
Everything I gave it
Time is the payment
Of late nights and pavement
100 sunsets
I awoke next to you 

Don't Hide

I don't pretend to know 

The pain that you feel 

The bitter appeal 

Memories still real

I don't pretend to think 

Your thoughts (you don't speak)

I'll question and prod 

To pry them free 

I don't pretend to have 

a place in the space 

that you hold deep inside

But I won't let you hide

No Stars in the City

On a new rooftop 

I stare at the sky 

blurry black

no stars in the city 

no tears for the angry

no rest for the weary 

I called before 

You answered each time 

I was shocked 

We talked again 

For 23 minutes 

Which is longer 

than I've talked with my dad 

In the last year 

You stopped by 

Just to say hi 

I held my breath 

Self conscious 

Of every movement, every step 

dirt on my skin and word that I said 

You held me close 

Til I stopped squirming 

Until I relaxed

And hugged you back 

Brown Eyes

I believe in your future 

I believe in the sunset ahead of you

the road that's behind you 

Will straighten out

I believe in your voice 

You'll sing again 

Your Brown eyes, warm 

Your fathers grin 

I believe your eyes will cry again 

I believe in the river in your blood 

I believe in the stars that sing above 

You just have to keep on asking, love

July 14th, 2015

I'm sorry I was far away 

I'm sorry I was disengaged 

I'm sorry for the tidal wave 

The pain pressed tightly from all sides 

The darkness finally reached my eyes

and in the mirror, I realized 

a face I didn't recognize 

I held my world inside a fist 

You were a face I wouldn't kiss 

I fell again, only to miss 

the lesson in the mess of this 

I'm sorry I was underage 

I'm sorry I was renegade 

I'm sorry for the price you paid 

The earth was tipping towards you

My life was slipping out of reach 

I tried to fall apart 

But tried to hold it underneath 

I'm sorry I was see through 

I'm sorry I could not break through 

I'm sorry I couldn't carry you 

Family Resemblance

I want to live for you

not just exist, like a lizard in the sun 

but really live 

diving deep 

silver in the river 

splashing and swimming

and flipping my tail 

I want to cry for you 

not just feel sorry 

but rivers inside me 

smoothing, eroding 

the jagged rocks 

I want to feel you 

not momentary emotion 

but earthquakes that shatter 

and shock my heart to life 

I want to find you 

not just a book 

but a path through the woods

blood on my knees 

looking for seeds 

to grow in the garden. 

I want to be you 

not just a friend

Your blood in my veins 

Your words in my mind 

My family, they walk and talk like you 

People will tell me I'm looking like you 

I will just tell them 

It's not me, it's you 

Seeds

It's in the wind 

It's on the way back home 

It's on your face 

When I mention windows

And how the light

is making all things grow 

It's in the dirt 

When I'm struggling through 

to plant the seeds 

and try to salvage you

If you could see 

I'd like to see you through 

I understand 

My heart is hurting too 

Need

I asked for a house and you gave me a home

I asked for a sign and you gave me road

I needed a door and you gave me a key 

I needed a drink and you gave me the sea

I wanted a note and you gave me a song

I wanted a map and you said come along 

I looked for a shield and you gave me a friend 

I reached for control and you gave me your hand

Hatchet

Spinning vinyl 

Your words are whispers 

Between the lines

Undefined 

Each track scratches 

Im under the hatchet 

hoping for a quick death 

prayer every breath 

crying for a way 

I've run fast enough 

yelled loud enough 

and I'm down on my knees 

In the mud on these local trails 

But what it entails 

is a death inside 

a breakdown again 

this is my last chance 

I reach for the wind 

regret all my sin

i open the door 

and I let you in 

I'm empty 

it's ok 

I'm waiting to be filled again

with stuff that's new

more like honey

more like rain 

smoother than coffee 

deeper than pain

August 20

Any time my love 

Anytime

I'll listen to those rants 

About your out of of order rubble 

Your unordinary mother

Your insanity that hovers 

I'll listen to those talks

About the practical approach 

As if your father will encroach

On your up and coming views 

Any time my love

Anytime I'll listen 

To the courage that's inside of you 

The world you're barely breaking through 

The words are running out of you 

And you're becoming see through 

22

summer

is the same 

it is different

the second story of this building

the second story you were telling 

is when i forgot to be interested

I was really interesting 

when I told you I am 22

and I am just now breaking through

everything will resurrect

You said I'm resurrecting you

Vinyl

I fished you from the stream

water in the canteen 

I saw you in the flaw

of a swinging southpaw

I heard you in the sound 

of Keith Green on vinyl 

I knew that it was final 

when you said goodbye

Navy green & ocean blue

I've walked this path 

when my jeans were muddy 

my wounds were recent 

and I reveled in my disasters

flaunting every cast and cut

the sun would sink when I woke up 

I've walked these rocks 

When the smoke was thrilling 

my phone was dead

and your dad had said 

you had to leave 

but we left a trail 

your sister cried 

we tried to hide 

and slept in the back yard 

under the moon 

clothes still wet

navy green 

& ocean blue 

I always felt 

more real with you 

Fourth of July

You had the look 

of a wounded animal 

red, white, and blue 

blood, bone, and bruise  

we hadn't spoken 

since the stars & stripes 

the beginning of time 

since I made you and raised you 

and gave you a name 

twinless & sinless 

gunpowder grey 

no one can see this 

nobodies business 

the bunkers you're in 

shrapnel is buried 

under the skin 

green gold desire 

mortars light up 

flowers of fire 

under the sky

we chose to be smaller 

you'd rather have pain 

your smile, insane

your plane touches down 

on American plain