psalm

The heaviness 

with hands on my temples 

grips my attention 

blurs my focus 

grasping for the heart within 

I hammock in the stillness

sleeping to pass the time 

cradled in darkness 

dreams are pain 

and waking is painful 

memories are real 

life is surreal 

so why am I 

Alone in the darkness

I don't mind the headache 

the migraine is heavy 

sunlight hurts

I cling to the words 

that a man once wrote 

alone in a cave 

cradled in darkness 

I'll sing them again 

and keep on at this 

"my light, my rock

you are my fortress"

Palace

stress the potion
the devotion 

navigate this 

magistrate 

redirect and don't negate 

the fact that I am calibrating 

every word you're celebrating 

every source and sorcerer 

little sleep and little peace 

we're trying just to understand

trying just to fall asleep 

all the new perspective 

driving back from dallas 

we're drinking every bottle

in the basement of the palace

Skin

The magic of the first time, 

I never felt again 

I hate to see you seeing, 

The stitches on my skin 

Summer flew 

And landed somewhere

The place where lost things go 

I wonder if you're living

With someone or alone 

The pain of the first time 

I feel again, again 

I'd love to see you loving 

Someone outside your skin 

Summer Sweat

Summer let

Us unravel again 

Fall into sin 

Swim in the deep end 

And come up for air 

Summer sweat 

Your words are irrelevant 

Lying here 

It's the same, but different 

You tell me you want it 

But I know you don't

Summer spent
Everything I gave it
Time is the payment
Of late nights and pavement
100 sunsets
I awoke next to you 

Don't Hide

I don't pretend to know 

The pain that you feel 

The bitter appeal 

Memories still real

I don't pretend to think 

Your thoughts (you don't speak)

I'll question and prod 

To pry them free 

I don't pretend to have 

a place in the space 

that you hold deep inside

But I won't let you hide

No Stars in the City

On a new rooftop 

I stare at the sky 

blurry black

no stars in the city 

no tears for the angry

no rest for the weary 

I called before 

You answered each time 

I was shocked 

We talked again 

For 23 minutes 

Which is longer 

than I've talked with my dad 

In the last year 

You stopped by 

Just to say hi 

I held my breath 

Self conscious 

Of every movement, every step 

dirt on my skin and word that I said 

You held me close 

Til I stopped squirming 

Until I relaxed

And hugged you back 

Brown Eyes

I believe in your future 

I believe in the sunset ahead of you

the road that's behind you 

Will straighten out

I believe in your voice 

You'll sing again 

Your Brown eyes, warm 

Your fathers grin 

I believe your eyes will cry again 

I believe in the river in your blood 

I believe in the stars that sing above 

You just have to keep on asking, love

July 14th, 2015

I'm sorry I was far away 

I'm sorry I was disengaged 

I'm sorry for the tidal wave 

The pain pressed tightly from all sides 

The darkness finally reached my eyes

and in the mirror, I realized 

a face I didn't recognize 

I held my world inside a fist 

You were a face I wouldn't kiss 

I fell again, only to miss 

the lesson in the mess of this 

I'm sorry I was underage 

I'm sorry I was renegade 

I'm sorry for the price you paid 

The earth was tipping towards you

My life was slipping out of reach 

I tried to fall apart 

But tried to hold it underneath 

I'm sorry I was see through 

I'm sorry I could not break through 

I'm sorry I couldn't carry you 

Family Resemblance

I want to live for you

not just exist, like a lizard in the sun 

but really live 

diving deep 

silver in the river 

splashing and swimming

and flipping my tail 

I want to cry for you 

not just feel sorry 

but rivers inside me 

smoothing, eroding 

the jagged rocks 

I want to feel you 

not momentary emotion 

but earthquakes that shatter 

and shock my heart to life 

I want to find you 

not just a book 

but a path through the woods

blood on my knees 

looking for seeds 

to grow in the garden. 

I want to be you 

not just a friend

Your blood in my veins 

Your words in my mind 

My family, they walk and talk like you 

People will tell me I'm looking like you 

I will just tell them 

It's not me, it's you 

Seeds

It's in the wind 

It's on the way back home 

It's on your face 

When I mention windows

And how the light

is making all things grow 

It's in the dirt 

When I'm struggling through 

to plant the seeds 

and try to salvage you

If you could see 

I'd like to see you through 

I understand 

My heart is hurting too 

Need

I asked for a house and you gave me a home

I asked for a sign and you gave me road

I needed a door and you gave me a key 

I needed a drink and you gave me the sea

I wanted a note and you gave me a song

I wanted a map and you said come along 

I looked for a shield and you gave me a friend 

I reached for control and you gave me your hand

Hatchet

Spinning vinyl 

Your words are whispers 

Between the lines

Undefined 

Each track scratches 

Im under the hatchet 

hoping for a quick death 

prayer every breath 

crying for a way 

I've run fast enough 

yelled loud enough 

and I'm down on my knees 

In the mud on these local trails 

But what it entails 

is a death inside 

a breakdown again 

this is my last chance 

I reach for the wind 

regret all my sin

i open the door 

and I let you in 

I'm empty 

it's ok 

I'm waiting to be filled again

with stuff that's new

more like honey

more like rain 

smoother than coffee 

deeper than pain

August 20

Any time my love 

Anytime

I'll listen to those rants 

About your out of of order rubble 

Your unordinary mother

Your insanity that hovers 

I'll listen to those talks

About the practical approach 

As if your father will encroach

On your up and coming views 

Any time my love

Anytime I'll listen 

To the courage that's inside of you 

The world you're barely breaking through 

The words are running out of you 

And you're becoming see through 

22

summer

is the same 

it is different

the second story of this building

the second story you were telling 

is when i forgot to be interested

I was really interesting 

when I told you I am 22

and I am just now breaking through

everything will resurrect

You said I'm resurrecting you

Vinyl

I fished you from the stream

water in the canteen 

I saw you in the flaw

of a swinging southpaw

I heard you in the sound 

of Keith Green on vinyl 

I knew that it was final 

when you said goodbye

Navy green & ocean blue

I've walked this path 

when my jeans were muddy 

my wounds were recent 

and I reveled in my disasters

flaunting every cast and cut

the sun would sink when I woke up 

I've walked these rocks 

When the smoke was thrilling 

my phone was dead

and your dad had said 

you had to leave 

but we left a trail 

your sister cried 

we tried to hide 

and slept in the back yard 

under the moon 

clothes still wet

navy green 

& ocean blue 

I always felt 

more real with you 

Fourth of July

You had the look 

of a wounded animal 

red, white, and blue 

blood, bone, and bruise  

we hadn't spoken 

since the stars & stripes 

the beginning of time 

since I made you and raised you 

and gave you a name 

twinless & sinless 

gunpowder grey 

no one can see this 

nobodies business 

the bunkers you're in 

shrapnel is buried 

under the skin 

green gold desire 

mortars light up 

flowers of fire 

under the sky

we chose to be smaller 

you'd rather have pain 

your smile, insane

your plane touches down 

on American plain 

Glass

seems it's going 

swimmingly

iron heart 

pound stubbornly 

grit is the feeling of

fighting to hide

the trouble inside

reeling like the riptide 

I am shambles

I am gold 

lean into the hands that hold 

I am glass

I am here 

color in the atmosphere 

Ink

i cut myself for you 

tattoos, stinging 

raw & real 

ink and blood

i saw you in the flood 

i hung on each word 

like a magazine 

all the dreams 

torn to smithereens 

crocodile tears 

saltwater fears 

i learned to swim 

over the years 

i couldn't breathe 

cause i was done 

no hand could heal 

the things that stung

wild animals 

i hang on tight 

i let them run 

Waves

we are the rebels

the revolutionaries 

im hidden in the crowd 

happy in the quiet 

face to face with the onset 

the words just surface 

i am not jaded 

faded or failing 

the words are just sailing 

i drained all the bitter 

I am not the reaction 

of spiritual faction

im causing a ruckus 

my little existence 

im making waves

just to surf 

in this hopeful resistance 

you love my face

my clothes & my family

but love my words, 

my spells and my curses 

love is the vein 

I never rehearse this 

not a reckless yell 

a song over coffee

let's drink for a spell 

im sorry im honest 

im doing well

i remember at sunrise 

we're heaven in hell 

Hwy 27

the saturation 

stunning me 

things better filtered 

like photos, 

coffee & cigarettes 

have you heard it yet?

the song of the morning 

it calls your name 

takes you over 

for today 

you're okay 

Leaving

i saw you in the glow 

lighting up the trees as sunset

& the wind inflicted tears, i felt

as if I've never done that 

i heard you in the sound 

of my farthest-away mother 

her words are warm on frozen ground 

they run like river water 

i heard you in the forest

who should i hold onto? 

i'm broken like the branches 

like the leaves i'm trippin through 

Arrival

cut from the coldest slivers of silver
gold from the guts of the mines of the mountain
stones that are smooth from the turning of tides
i have arrived, i have arrived

Unravel

i have seen the wind 

blur all i've ever known 

til i was reborn 

painted new colors 

sketched on this great stone 

i have taken pictures 

seas of feeling 

keeling over 

sweeping strides of red 

words better unsaid 

knives bitter on skin  

walls punched in 

but kind words broke me open 

weeds were growing inside 

where green gardens once were 

lush in their young growth 

the stuff that sways at sunset 

and when you began to carve 

compose new notes in these scars 

i began to find gates 

in this hideous maze

escape into you through fern decay 

moss on stones always beneath me 

mosaics placed so perfectly

i have unraveled suddenly

India Ink

remember the night 
sharp stars
on india ink skies
the tiger smiles
when we fly

remember the night
drums echo inside
the lions within
we never cry

remember the night
we're summer high
we lie in the street
dream of elephant eyes

let go of the night
you're right beside
the tiger smiles 
when we cry

Prayer

i pray my sister finds the ocean
where all the beauty swims
i pray my brother climbs the mountain
where everything begins 
i hope that all the pain inside
is drowned in april rain
i know that when we wake up
we'll see the sun again

Salt

chapters blur
wet paint and dried blood
we tried pain, we tried love
i'm shooting it up
i'm in a control, i'd imagined
but i'm just a kite on the wind
dizzy from the spin
bike stolen again 
i will take it all in
what scene is this?
what piece did i miss?
what motive in the kiss?
this story will write me 
and i will write it 
i'm listening, father
what is all this?
your words are straight salt 
my heart is a wound 
i am new clothes 
there's an empty tomb
but my lungs are the same
my golden hair, longer
my thoughts do not wander:
i've found you

Sister

sister 
you are sun in the morning 
little mountains in the desert
you are dusty trails
and laughter up to cross mountain
green shorts and honest eyes
sister, you are right here
talking on the corner downtown
on the streets of stories
in between the past and future
on the edge of the water 
where you will jump
the splash will cover everyone
sister, you are sunglasses
and red wine and animal crackers
you are bleeding tattoos 
you're stacks of pancakes
when we sit on the cement 
i choke on my honest words
where we cry every forgotten tear. 
sister i would like to say 
i'll follow you home 
and live your day
but i will travel back
and you'll journey home
take our book of Beautiful Things 
write them all down
and don't see me cry 
when we hug goodbye. 

Greyhound

i stood in line
tears sting my eyes
'cause i'm not used to crying 
and you weren't there to notice
so i call your name 
and i close my eyes
when it all blurs past
and sing the same words again
how do you do it?
you're the only one
who can throw colors across the sky
spread so magnificent the blues 
& white clouds
sun sinking over the grapevine
are you even listening? 
that smile makes me undone
the laughter is ridiculous
or maybe i'm too serious
but these fears are in my stomach
intertwined with hope
knotted up like rope
can i laugh? just help me cope
to smile and cry  
and paint the sky
i sure have tried, and yes i hide
in the middle of the bus
and stare at your sky 

Water Running

water running 
wild and random
in all the ditches that were dry 
in all the drought inside my mind
water running 
down my throat
in all the veins that were tired
in the dust i've acquired 
water running 
sounds like your voice
humming all the things i've cried
making light the heavy eyes
i'm floating where i've always tried
to sink, to disappear, to hide 
i'm riding with you now
i ripple through this current 
in all the places that were dry
i'm water running wild 

Hope

holocene
hollow me 
make space for tomorrow 
cry me empty 
leave me full of 
things not yet real
morning dawn unseen
roads not walked on
under my feet
your words
when we talk again
i listen and walk with them
songs unheard
i sing them already

shame covers your eyes
and heavies your shoulders
and hope points ahead
and takes you up the mountain

Miles

i see your feet beneath me
though they haven't walked as many miles
one says loved, one says lover
and that is what you are 

Clouds

earth so moving 
rain on the damned
the lost, losing
we bend our heads back
with open mouths
i thirst, i thirst
you know the feeling
when the wine was gone
and your brothers fled
the clouds had bled
on the saints and the stained
and you broke your bread
for all my days

Filtered Fire

stars surreal
ocean roars in the dark
should we speak or sing
the praises of this life
blurred words
your eyes though
clear like the moon
whiskey filtered fire
there is no desire
i have not felt
there is no name
i would not shout
there is no pain
i cannot hide
there is no friend
i'd rather sit by

Lassen

cold and clear cut 
liquid eyes
expectation with the rise
of each branch on the wind

i'm a half breathing bird 
with no memory of joy
i'm the thrill on the ledge
on the edge of the void
these fault lines jagged 
through my bones
these stars don't flicker
when you're not home
so quick to fall apart.

and each careful step 
under quiet pines
i listen for you, i will find
your voice, no words
your hand in mine

Animal

braided and tangled

i've seen the stomp

the drumbeat inside 

feathers and fire

mane and desire

nothing can feed you

and nothing can keep you

and no mountainside

is wide enough

to guide your restlessness

to swallow your scenery

you see that river?

where lions bleed 

and babies splash 

so brightly born and 

crying for more

i'm swimming the river

and fighting the deep

wanting to swim 

and needing to sink 

you see that river?

where lions cry 

and you will splash

so brightly born and 

crying for more

Song

flecks of light

stars above hang in the balance

holding it's breath
between sunset and dawn

each moment a pause
i wait for the song

to break through the dark
to cover me softly 
&
the rain wakes me up

hear, the heartbeat is strong

and my hands are no longer

shaking 
my heart once again is 
breaking
but the song of the morning
breathtaking 

Faces

tangible
concrete beneath me
quiet and engaged
in every breathe
like cigarettes
like coffee and constellations
in sharp winter air
you are fully there
when my eyes are wide
when my words are small
and my fingers hurt 

intangible
when my words are violent 
rocks thrown hard
rippling on the lake
scaring the birds
your words are swimming 
underwater
they're stirring the leaves
they're running from me
i'll shut my eyes to hear
i'll climb the hill and see you there
i will know your many colors and faces
i will see or hear or feel the traces
your forms and your flavors
are my daily bread

Dirt

plow with brighest silver
resharpened
these once were swords
but now i am a farmer
dirt tosses and turns
rake and refine
it's funny what you find
when you are digging.
like wooden boxes as a child
buried deep with your secrets
pesos and gold ribbons
and pieces of blue porcelain
milk glass and metal
traces of tornado
so we dig up the dead
pink granite bricks
indian clay
and poison ivy fences
it seems you weren't aware of this
and none of us can carry this

plow with brightest silver
resharpened
these once were swords
but now i'm a farmer
the dirt is dark earth
raw and inviting
awaken my senses
like coffee and constellations
every book you've never read
swallow me into this
i'll give all that i have

bury the tree of life
bury the seeds you find
and the speck will grow
into much better things

Skywalker Hill

streams of new depths
teem with bright fish
silver and gleaming
they run with the rivers
and into my chest

ever leaning
into to this
knowing all the thoughts that kiss
my mind are all renewing

my eyes squint at 7am
when truth won't make sense
the golden hill hints
that the mountains are shrinking
when i walk on the sky
the pine trees will glance
at my face so entranced
by this morning arrival

Ocean Drains

blue like the mountains 
blue like the sea, blue like sky
all the things are marked and measured
but you still don't know when it will rain
and you'll never know where the ocean drains

the water fills me up 
and yes it runs out 'til i don't care
leaks through the cracks (they've always been there)
but i don't know anyone quite like you
who is so happy when i sit down
to notice the birds and the clouds
and the specks on cold concrete 
and i think i'm only crying with relief
that you are here, not just there

you are here, not just there

Glimmer

i long for 
your hands on my shoulders
i'm not getting older 
i'll stay right here
i long for my hands to feel
the texture of tree trunks growing
to pick on guitar strings
that run with your voice
to sing with my eyes shut
drown out the noise

the way you sail
the way you go down
glittering in my throat
glimmer in my eyes
you're the pain at sunrise

i love the way you are there
the way you go down
the sigh in my throat
relief in my lungs
you are the peace at sunrise

Tangled Blue

your words are wild
like the tangled blue
my backpack is light
when i walk with you
and i'll push you,
'cause i want you near
your voice i think i need to hear
roar like a thousand lions
like a thousand waterfalls
renewing the mind 

swing wide
you stubborn
rusty doors
open, ribcage
wide enough
to resurrect anew
wash the fading hues
reinvent my rivers
your eyes 
they give me shivers
You see right through the blue

October Embers

bright leaves falling, fire on the wind
i've seen you grow golder 
i've seen you ascend 
each amber drop 
from the sunrise you bring
told me to laugh
and taught me to sing

You are the water through fern canyon
tides on long island, dreams in the mountains
trinidad speaks of your restart
new songs are humming inside your throat
redwoods are growing inside your heart
your visions like lassen dragonflies,
october embers burn in your eyes
hold his hand tightly, music inside
october will always
find you alive

Eden

dust and dirt my every entry
before life there was earth
darkest soil, planting pretense
potential coursing, gritty roots

rise up, son
i'll teach you to breathe
like the greening garden inhales
striking blue river roar
cold and contrast, engraving Eden

Me

someday you will know me
you'll sing all my songs
you will gasp at the colors
of the tattoos
on my arms

Honeycomb

some words seep

down to the bones

they get past the walls 

and the locks

and the stones

some words drip

like sap in the sun

oil on head

bright on the honeycomb

some words stick 

the song's in my head

and the smile's on my face

when we talk on the phone