Golden

your footsteps burnt 
holes in the floor
splintered doors
cracks in the ceiling
like the san andreas fault 
and every safe and vault
was robbed and emptied
the floor shook beneath 
laughing at me
proof that it's me 
and my fault lines that bring
this valley to ruin.
i fled to the coast
to find new weather
more viking than victor.

and most days, it's true
i am drunk on disaster
and i swim with the shattered 
sharks to be wild
and i swing with a sword
that i built as a child
but 
your grace makes me golden
i'm no exception
it's looking for hope
it washes me clean
it hurts and it stings
and runs down my face
to drown out the pain
to settle in the breaks
of my thirsty being

Brandy Creek

light filters softly
through these shallows
emerald green water 
not as shallow as me
speaks in the rhythms   
in the ripples from afar
in quiet voices
that i push aside
i've heard that many times
and it still doesn't sink
like the rocks beneath 
bend in reflection
thoughts are hazy
there's no one 
shallow as me 
shallow as me

Coast

(i am the river)

cold clear water 

relieve my tangled thoughts 

relive the battles lost

no longer 

(i am the interstate)

carry me through the night

reaching the other side

recalling the turning tide

no longer 

(i am the mountain range)

follow me on the drive

burn in the back of my mind 

regretting the younger side

no longer 

drive to the cloudy coast

in the morning 

telling me stories

of wide open hearts.

Resurrection

if i had arms

i'd reach across

this great expanse

and hold your hand

if i had legs 

i'd walk the plank 

down the dirt road

into your mercy

if i had a heart

i'd drum the days

and dance in the dark

i'd bleed and understand

if i was brave

i'd surf the disaster

and swim with the sharks

not hide my laughter

if i had a face

i'd paint it with grace

my tears would be real

my eyes would be blue

i'm always reflecting

my half resurrection

i'm still waiting for you

to come into view

Shasta

over the bridges

blue lake brighter

than the sky in June

give me time

to think of words to say

to make you look this way

i'll carry it with you

if you promise to stay.

Dragonflies

sunset around me 
sadness surround me 
and override the madness
falling through the branches 
it clings to humid air
it follows me, i swear

dusk all around me
concrete surround me
to surf the breaking street
burning in between
the sadness underneath
peace: anywhere but here

grace follows you, i swear
i heard it inside
of the quiet goodbye
i saw it glisten
in the corner of your eyes
like dragonflies
just touching the surface 
of serene summer night
the colors of flight 
daring to land 
on the grandest design
rippling lake 
lights up the night 

Maps

mountainside stretches

far and wide

like maps laid out to dry

still wet with ink

heather and sage 

and indian paintbrushes 

trees lean above me

towers and canopies

they listen to me 

and offer no piece

and the flowers just sing

in spite of my flaws

i don't follow the cause

i won't follow your laws

i'd rather see your face

just show me your claws

meet me there

dragonflies in the air

ripples on the lake

sunlight on your hair 

that's just how i feel 

in the deep mountain air 

a thousand small rivers 

run here within

and ten thousand voices

i won't let them in

i've gotta find you 

i've gotta know

rivers are running 

to valleys below

the rocks that i'm throwing 

are sinking beneath 

to drown out the grief 

some sort of relief

and the trail unending 

just leads back to me 

Grace

i need to know 
if grace can reach this far
if sun can set apart 
my silhouette
if days blur into one 
if half written songs can be sung 
i need to know
i am not half-hearted 
it was me that started this fight 
it was you i wrestled all night 
i need to know that my pain has a color 
that bleeds with the sunset 
that my joy swells in the morning,
when i greet the dawn

love unending
love surrendering
grace is erasing
it's me i am facing

white paint over 
the broken places
pictures, faces
i do not regret 
i cannot repent 
and you hug me anyways.

14 miles

wind plays in your hair
the sea shining on your eyes
smalls specks of light
this makes you more alive
walk this path
invite us into this adventure
you will see every broken thing rebuilt
you believe every ship was made to sail

you are a flag in the rubble
colors dance in the darkness
you painted the scars gold
told me never to grow old

that smile has a way
of telling me i'm so wrong
not so strong
so full of shit
but you like me anyways.

June 7th

the spark in your eyes
when the sky lit up 
the pain in your eyes 
when i drank the cup
we came alive
just to survive
and cry to the stars above
i was sent to the river to pray
to bury myself in thoughts
to drown in stubborn battles
to kick against your shoves
do you love me really?
running on the path 
i'm chasing you chasing me
time moves too slowly
and tonight
you will find me
by the fire
waiting for you
to take off the blindfold
grab my hand
break down the walls
awaken my soul

Fountains

those eyes have seen
so many things
witnessed pain and majesty
those eyes glint with trust 
like you know a secret:
his grace is enough
to make you smile.

those eyes remind me 
of walking on water
rain in the morning
boats in the harbor
gardens are growing
because you believe
his grace is enough
to make us smile.

those eyes can say 
so many things
i know you've found
the well to drink
those eyes are fountains
life and tears
and stormy years
don't change that living water
and you go back to find him 
at the well
i know you always say his name
but he likes to say yours more.

Oceans

i see everything
and every morning sees me
every touch deceives me
every color reads me

i see everything
and every evening sees me
every road receives me
no one ever needs me

like flowers in the morning
and brown bottles at night
every thought is past and future
nothing is tonight 

there's a message in this bottle
throw it out to sea
throw it out to see
if it comes back to me

there's a message in this bottle
i'm drinking it to see
i'm drinking it to sea
if oceans can be free

Door

my eyes are soft
i can see everything
the wind under the door
the fire inside
leaves me on the floor
mindless reeling
is not the same as feeling it all.

regret is the pain in my side
the stab of things 
that don't make sense
your dark clothes 
are disappointment
(i can see it in my head)
but you never dress like that
and you've never even said
'i'm done with you.'
(that was me)
i cannot read the scattered signs
maybe i'm blind 
the clouds are divine
things i don't expect 
you give me again and again
my promises are nothing:
your love is everything.

Waves

written in the sand 
all the things i want to say
all the pain in the way 
of me and you

hidden underneath
all the things that i hate
all the waves overtake
me and you

walking on the shore
i throw it all out to sea
all the words in between
me and you

Boats

i was born between midnight and dawn
when the wind finds the water 
dreaming again.
they put me in a boat 
with sea shells and sharks teeth 
the clouds swam
she was in the sky above
the moon a pearl necklace
around her forgotten face


i was born blinded
from the bright sins of my father
my brothers rope around my wrist 
shut inside a child's fist
a hidden kiss

i was born crying
when the day began
the sunrise was white
like bleached cowries 
sheets on the line
baby's face is mine
white like the sails
on the boats 
in the morning

Long Island

when we leave 
it all blurs past 
light blue sky
gold on the windows 
sunrise flickers and hides 
behind green trees
i have nothing to decide
i've never seen this morning 
i never slept last night
i've never breathed quite right
your words hang in my mind 
and no one looks me in the eye

Footprints

don't hide this time
i can't take that
show up uninvited
grab me by the hand
laugh loudly
like footprints in the garden
and dancing on the roof
tell me that there's proof
that babies born can conquer death
songs can carry every breath
hope is twin to faith
but i can't recall her face.

no one can find us
under the oak trees
sunlight shines through
the ache is quiet
if i had words i'd speak
if i had a song i'd sing
your eyes are saving me
your blood is in my years
and grace is in your tears.

Photograph

i've seen the red sky
painted with pain
drops of peace 
trail across the windshield
rugged roots drip brown 
where gold promises are planted
grace grows, green and vivid

you found me gray;
i was not born this way.
i am a photograph
let all those colors
bleed into one river
and wash me over.

shut one eye
through the lense
find my smile
film unwind
unfiltered
watch the wild watercolor
eyes overexposed
technicolor glow
no words
just walk me home.

Castle

your photograph is color
youngest face
could not dream of pain like this
expecation is wide open arms
and when disappointment came 
for a one night stand 
it was safe to land
and you never let go.

if you find pain in the journey,
look it deep in the eyes
name it and stay up late in the fight 
then send it on it's way.

if you find beauty,
invite it into the castle's keep
to come and go as it please
to clean out the dust
to tell the children stories
and sit at the table,
hold hands and say grace. 

Foxes Field

ink on my wrist
blurs in my mind
and your words
like small swords
stick in my mind
each battle to win
with a death of some kind
so i spin to the music
watching your eyes

i hear the grass growing under my feet
i hear the earth breathing a sigh of relief
i feel like the blue sky is waiting on me

your hand holds tight
the blade that you built 
in some earthquake or fire
and i swing 'cause i have to
(my brother taught me how to fight)
and the blade between my ribs
makes me feel more than alive
and if i die i should be
barefoot
on the growing clover
in the foxes field
beneath the white oak
in April.

Awake

swallow the morning 
sing in the stillness 
the quiet beneath us
unplowed earth
wild wheatgrass 
bows to the wind
and all this begins
i lift my eyes up 
and greet the dawn

Across the River

beneath it all is a little kid
so full of stories
don't close your eyes, don't turn away
i'm not too much, i'm not enough
small shoes on stepping stones
across the river
follow me, i'll show you
all the days that you missed
all the faces you would kiss
all the reasons for this

do our days bleed into one lifetime?
or have i lived many lives
each chapter it's own
to open then close
or part of one book?
is there a map of the landscape before me?
these pages so specific i can't see the story
i can't see the forest in the trees
i can't see the tree inside the leaves

the stars spread majestic
hung across the sky
we don't have to travel
to find new things
dance around the fire
stargazing on the river banks
watch the colors change
from night to day
you know i'm here to stay.

Crickets

this is real
i am here 
face to the glass
the night blurs past
i see the trees
where crickets cry
to the sleeping stars
trees touch the sky
and we fall apart
crooked outlines
branches reach high
and we reach higher.

New Sky

don't hide your face
i cannot see you
where you used to be
we pack our things
to find a place
that can't remember 
anything
no yesterday
soft pink sky
cool pavement
spring nights
laughter in your eyes
new things
this is now
don't leave me here.

i run to feel the wind
the blue above, the grass beneath
i turn my face to see the sun
forgetting all the former things

Breathe

do you see the blue mountains?
consuming the sky
red earth burns bright
the river cutting wide
a trail through the valley.

sharp rocks below 
remind me that pain
makes me look at the ground
and not the sky

let go of the words
that echo inside
break those promises
make new ones instead
untie the ropes
open your eyes
breathe deep, 
and i'll breathe deeper.

Stones

sunrise is pain
because i'm undeserving
the dusty light reminds me 
of walks with you
by the coldclear river
on the stepping stones
wondering what makes your eyes light up.

blue like the sky
grey like gunpowder
you are insane, and i am insanity
i'm afraid i'm not afraid of anything
but you.

Raven

close your eyes
hear the music
red and gold
ignore the sound of
disillusion
disenchantment
echoing through the halls
voicing disappointment
quiet behind the walls
the words that told me
i was wrong.

set a table
feed us on the edge of war
secrets are behind the door
but your eyes tell all
and this kingdom falls a part.

run through the field
this is all a game
blackbirds and brightest days
fights i can't speak of
kites in the sky above
and i'll do anything for love.

i will go back, and till the land
i'll find you a friend
i'll hold your hand
i will run in the dark streets
and sit on the pavement 
under the stars.

Beneath the trees

beneath the trees
we dreamed
of sailing down river
pirates in the sun
never hungry, never wrong
with buried coins and summer songs
returning to Sunnyslope street
to sleep in warm bunk beds.

the years are a blur
of rainstorms and renegades
funerals and parades
you grew so fast
i saw the fire
layers of paint (and pain)
rebuilding Raven
rewriting stories

and some nights i wish
we weren't pirates in the storm
i wish i was hungry, always wrong
buried dreams and springtime songs
let's sail up the river
where things are small
and sit and dream
beneath the trees.

Hike

this fight, this hike
as the sun drops low
and gold light hovers
and covers this town
the train passes by 
without a glance
i'm missing my chance 
for escape.
my broken walking stick 
scraping the ground
the glass all around
glitters silently
awaiting my sermon.

i am a preacher
though i cannot speak
i will recite your recital
i will voice my confusion
untangle the vines
exposing the lies
humming in the storm.
sky is my witness:
let your words bring life
written in ink
bound on arms
inscribed on my feet
rings on my fingers
words scratched on copper
i cannot run from hope
let me not escape grace 
find gold in my proverbs
blood on the psalms
and dirt on my palms
because i fight for it. 

i still believe in you, father
new ground beneath my feet
your song in my mouth
strengthen my hands, come with me 
help me drink this cup.

Compass

morning is rain 
sunrise soft white 

sandals lead

to places i've seen

red rocks reach

clear rivers grow 

i was anything,

at least a year ago 

when you found me 

caught in the whirlwind

blazing in the fight 

young hearts bleed

coming into the light. 

look me in the eyes

send me up the mountain 

tell me to go and find

what i'm looking for 

my dreams of broken skies
questions i can't answer

you do not despise 

filtering sunlight

breathing desert dust

bleeding regret 

everything between us 

he drew us a map

the compass points on

i'm doing this wrong 

i'll think of you

when i greet the dawn.

Hands

hands like iron 
pray for us
hands are broken
bleed for what?
hands like leather 
hammer wood
hold together 
this dangerous dysfunction

they smell of pine sawdust
and gasoline
he wore a gold ring
promising her never to take it off
and he never has. 

spring 2011

Sailor

you're the same, you're different
do you remember? 
what do you know? 
i swear the earth moves beneath
when we're wandering
the clouds cry
when we're lost at sea
looking for dad
searching for healing 
the scars are for stories
the stars are enjoying
our every step

all of my stories blur into one.
 
i like the way you move
i know you, i understand
not everything, but more than you think
your mind turning
like the gears of my bike
your ship is sailing
at the end of this night
give me your backpack
give me those things
if i could carry the pain for you
i would.

River Real

eyes search beyond
or behind
smooth stones opened your eyes
mountains made me grow
a child came to life.
the songs forgotten
staring out the window
i've never been so hungry,
when we cried on the trails
burdens broken
the sound drowned out your tears
you have a voice-
like the rushing blue river real
a living promise.
cool pavement
thoughtful in the alley 
together in the streets
clean clothes, i kept the key  
freedom is the way you walk,
the way you never forget,
it's the color in your eyes.

remember
all the things that made me tremble
the hands that held mine
revealed the breaking
surrounding safe
fierce intention
made me cry 
bread and wine
i realize 
it hurts.

Solidify the Sunrise

and everyone tries
to solidify the sunrise
into stained glass and tigers eyes
angel dust crystallized
crayons and moonshine
bottled up and bootlegged
oil paints and portraits 
on canvas, false remakes

melted into silver chains
promise rings and bullet trains
golden clocks and hammered planes
mined and cut into lovers stones
diamonds set in shining gold
stuck into the fiery coals
little embers glow
and pretend to be the sun.

and while i love to play with fire 
find the colors, paint desire
breathe it, take it deep inside
reenact and symphonize 
i think today i'm quite all right 
with killing the clock
sitting down on the dock 
watch the colors dance across
and feel my heart stop.

spring 2009

Arms

summer falls drunk
in the house of winter
only to wake up
in the arms of Spring.

Roads/Remember

//restless//heartless//sleepless
mind is full of right and wrong
what the hell, this road i'm on?
a year ago i walked the same
(mis)trust, i'll always play this game
 of catch me if you can
(but what if they really can't?)

you've seen my death 
believe in my resurrection

open sky 
rain on me
wash the pretense
drown the defense
build me up 
like the castle in March 
like the forts in June 
on the edge of the forest 
calling my name- do you trust me? 
i heard inside, near tallest pine 
young and wild like the rugged west
quiet and clear like the eastern hills
highways stretching 
wandering roads remember
all the places i looked for you 
and you found me first. 

i've walked with death
but i remember Resurrection.

Pilgrim

i have a story
i can't even read
the dark pages i ignore,
you write with gold
you read outloud
to break the silent shame
the plot a plundering thief
the script a suffering piece
the fighting severe, sometimes it's killing me
tangible breaking, perfection is faking

i have a brother
hiking with me
dancing like david 
singing in the trees
we built ferocious fires
on the brink of the lake
broke bread and stayed up late
throwing rocks at the stillness,
you told me not to be so serious
dreaming of surfing and swordfish
adventure burns brightly in my mind
my only expectation.
 
i have a sea
that is waiting for me
riptides to tear me up
oceans to drink
words scratched in stone
never forgotten
these rivers are running
right into my chest

perched on the cliff
i could see for miles
the things i run from are deep inside me
lay down your backpack 
break the walking stick
wilderness open wide my heart
for the Mountains drown it all in grace

Lion Night

the silence glitters on the grass
resurrection every breath
streetlight to streetlight
realization is empty
grasping for reality
i cannot read your script
i cannot hear your symphony
but i hear your heavy heart
as you walk beside me 
and part the dark sea

(Jan. 15)

Dreamer

and the stories you sing
as you teach me to dream 
make the tears glisten
in my eyes as i listen 
and it's always a shock
to see you catch the drops
like i'm worth enough to stop
to sit with me up in the treetop
as the sunset bleeds over all of us 

(summer, 2010)

Here

eyes unrecognized 
i'm not here
i'm far away
washing my hands 
gentle with forgiveness
he told me he'd fight whoever did this

memories are shattered, scattered traces
nameless, faceless
i leave them behind 
pieces of pain
crystallized colors
things that i love
blur them into one pane
the most beautiful painting
deep and wide
arms outstretched contrast the sky

realization is stunning
like sharp winter air
running hard
on the heels of March
look at the scars, stare at the stars
smoke in my lungs 
on the roof of February 

Found

quiet, with no shoes
i broke the wall and
knew for certain
that i was Pain
and not a child
white hospital walls
tattoos, i still see them in my head
peace misunderstood, grace on their faces

when the sunlight hurt, beautiful and new 
you sent me down the tracks 
to look you in the eyes 
to find broken glass, and hold it up to the light
finding new things
i never knew i was okay,
until you found me.

September 16, 2012

it's dark, and the small things 
that sing quietly in the trees 
are the best sound i've ever heard
i feel small, too small
like i'd rather not speak
yell louder than the crashing waves
and beautiful songs
and everyone else's words of wisdom
i remember a time when you knew my name
& and maybe even what i was thinking
but sun's gone down and now i'm drinking 
the medicine that i made
turn my face towards the stars 
blur my eyes with tears 

You met me in the woods 
and up in the mountains, 
where the snow runs down to race the rivers
falling head over heels in love with Danger
you've kept me safe, you've tied the anchor
you want me around, you brought me here
so turn my face to the stars 
blur my eyes with tears
turn summer days to years 

"I'll never stop."

Red

words are nothing
i cannot speak
to summarize the silence
i cannot open 
these eyes wide enough
to see the colors
knuckles bleed on the wall

separate the sermons screaming
motivate the endless dreaming 
i cannot fake (my ears are ringing)
and these ancient
rivers stream as one 
the Nile's bleeding in the sun
and who's to say it shouldn't run?

the sun gave up, burned beautiful at the stake 
so stay up late
to watch the pain unpack
and set up camp on the carpet
building fires, telling stories
i would love to forget
and 3am comes silent
i'll borrow, never steal
disconnection is surreal
visions blurring, can i feel
okay


filter through the memories
what was that you said?
if only those words were printed Red

my deepest needs like little children
cry for you with open hands
and broken hearts will wait for dawn 
to drown the Darkness

V

caught between memories
faces i've seen shine bright
love like the ocean
doesn't care who you are, where you've been 
washes over like a riptide
like a summer night
like the bluest sky
everything hurts when you come near
nothing makes sense 
when you're hopping the fence
to dig in the graveyard
and resurrect this death
you know everything that's buried grows.

you've given me quiet streams
trails unending, mountains to reach
you're everything, you're too much
you're faster than me, you're face to face
to tell me that you're with me 
and I'm enough. 

i'm lifted up, i'm held by you
i'm not less, i'm not sinking, i'm not death
 i'm free like the mountainside
running like the river
i am a song that reverberates on these rocky trails.
 i'm not going anywhere too far from you

Daze/Days

yeah i threw away the map
i lost my shoes 
i cursed the sky
but i feel the pain with every breath
with every step
with every sigh

stretching like a landscape
the line i drew was right
painting like a preacher
tossing like the tide

the stars are begging ransom
the sea is reaching high
the trees are speaking poetry
my tears are running dry

Dusk

feet on the dirt path
the coin's inside the tree 
the treasure's at your feet 
eleven years of waiting
(surely it's forgotten me)
tunnels through the treeline
hopping over fences
silver buttons, gold ribbons
walnuts to warpaint, streaked on our faces
running 'til dusk settles

life is a haze
true and false and everything between
rainwater runs and blurs memories
like new binoculars and stranger conversation
i'm on the wrong side of the fence
most things don't make sense 
i'll never trust again
 "but i was young" that's my defense