betrayal pt 2

i will be confronted

slapped by betrayal

please say it to my face

i would rather take 

a blade to my wrist

than your fucking judas kiss

soft on my cheek

heavy in my guts. 

the deepest cuts. 

i will be kissed by pain

life, physical, visceral

heavy with, 

abuse and affection

life, physical, visceral

we dance with it

my body keeps score

it reminds me

of what i forget.

betrayal pt 1

i will be kissed by pain

i will suck on the lips of heartbreak

i will face death

and the impact

the weight

i will walk with silence

and the deafening sound

of blurry questions.

it pushes my temples

it chokes me.

strangle me, not her

how can i carry it? 

what can i do.

where do i scream

and rage

i want to punch the walls

but they punch me.

i have pushed my emotions

but they push me.

they hit me

and you can’t hit them back.

if you hit, you hit yourself

or someone else.

gray against the morning

my head is fog 

my breath is fog

gray against the morning

thoughts against the grain

of how i want this day to be

we start our days

we make our way

but we don’t plan for trouble

we don’t expect,

the things that come. 

pressed from within and without

do you know 

i was strained through a sieve

filtered and combed through

you pushed me

so i would give up.

i was drained by your search

to find fault and discrepancy.

i was pressed,

from within and without

til i stopped pushing it

you say trust my gut

but i dont feel it tug anymore.

im your big blue wind

im your big blue wind

you named me that 

cause i blow you away

i swallow you up. 

im your big blue wind 

i say it bitterly

i say it to myself. 

i hear my voice echo.

in me. all the things i can’t say.

the words are choked

they come out wrong. 

the misunderstanding it crushes me.

im your big blue wind