the cats meow

you run and laugh 

and fight like I do 

Is it true? 

are you fearless like the wind 

quick as a hawks wing 

hyena laughter 

half pistol, half moonflower soft 

howling if not singing 

at the swinging moon

do you dream? 

do you dream of dying too? 

or of running in place 

everyone else is 

so close behind,

but never catching up

because independence

 is everything 

and my loneliness

is the cats meow

i’m not afraid to be alone 

or am I?

i feel see through 

i wait for you to notice 

how much of a coward i am

you poke at the thin walls 

i feel fragile and small 

and i hate it all 

watch me bite your head off 

watch me bark and howl 

and laugh at my growl

im better than this 

i don’t dress to impress,

but i won’t look like a mess

and i refuse to digress

somebody’s gotta 

take me seriously 

because i sure don’t

july twenty seven

i apologize, for the grief 

when i yelled instead of crying 

when i was loud instead of quiet 

when i pushed you, 

instead of kissing your face 

i apologize for the heaviness

when i piled on the weight

and when i pressured you to move 

when you needed to wait

i am sorry for the walls, 

instead of opening the gate 

and when i turned into stone, 

when you needed a soft face

i know i move too fast,

when you need a slow pace

i know i miss all the details 

and brush over small things 

and i look to the future

then forget where i need to be 

i know i carry a lot

and look down on the weak 

and then i seem to collapse

from the smallest of things 

i know i bulldoze the garden

instead of letting it grow 

i know i feel too much 

and i can’t let it show 

and i tear down the boundaries 

when you expect me to save face 

i know im rocking the boat

and im a kick in the face 

im sorry for the ways

i could be better, i could do more 

im on your side, but sometimes 

i think i make you hurt more

forgive me for the failure 

forgive me for the grief 

forgive me for the anger

forgive me for being me 

as if i hadn’t got your text

I know I’m late responding 

as if i hadn’t got your text 

don’t mean to keep you waiting 

it hasn’t killed you yet

I saw you in the morning 

wrapped up in all your pain 

you keep saying sorry 

and things just stay the same

i will find you

you lit up 

like a fire at blue river 

your smile, made me shiver 

hoping it’s real 

hoping your heart 

is happy and healing 

i will hold you 

i will break through 

the trees and the blue 

just to get through to you 

i will find you 

in this maze 

the drunken days 

were not meant for you 

nov. 3rd

tripping through the streets 

at 2am 

you hit my face

and i tackled you to the ground

because it’s better to fight 

react and respite

it reminds us we are here

we’re skin and bones 

bruised and bleeding 

sore but getting stronger 

it reminds me the earth still stands beneath 

and the sidewalks and streets 

will carry us home 

outside of the green lady

the feeling is

the wind 

on an autumn morning 

when you feel the cold

when it’s still kind of warm out 

like the blinking water tower

like the awkward traffic 

the people on the corner 

i give them gatorade 

& sometimes money 

even when it feels wrong 

like the fountains on ward parkway 

dyed blue, for the royals

the walls on 71

spray painted red 

for the chiefs 

even though they lost

and the feeling of 

driving by loose park 

so many trees, 

bright with fall colors 

people scattered

for picnics and frisbee 

and photoshoots 

so i drive to swope park 

i watch the sunset

and wonder

if he’s buried beneath the granite  

or under the orange leaves 

and how the waters so pretty

when it moves with the breeze 

winding and restless

i walk the path 

scratched by thorns

stuck with burrs and dried leaves

it feels like home 

it feels like being here yet far away 

i take it in 

i breathe deep 

i take photos of trees 

and empty pools 

and i drive to blue river 

it seems more right

dirty water 

cigarette butts

the crumbling road

settles by the bridge

where we have fires, 

that burn the day away

burns away the memories 

that are too painful 

the day that was too long 

the life that is too confusing. 

& that’s the feeling 

it’s like a sword fight 

outside of the green lady 

it only stings a little 

when you fight with a friend 

& you’re sipping on gin

it’s like jazz, it feels good 

it doesn’t really resolve

but surrounds us at night 

it feels like life

and i feel alright

silver veins

You reached for me 

with arms like tree branches

silver veins 

hands that dripped with stardust 

and gunpowder

you held me 

carried me like the river we swim 

you came closer than the grass underneath

quiet like the sunset 

bright like the stars

you were suddenly there 

the moon has no need for an entrance or announcement

I breathed you in 

like our cigarettes and coffee

there was music in your eyes 

notes drifted into my ears

your knee bounced like a kick drum 

& rhythm quickened my heartbeat 

i do not sing

there’s not much to sing about 

when every other voice around me 

is louder and much more dramatic

 but somehow you hear my quiet voice

and you hear me singing anyways 

you coax it out of me

words that are bright & heavy 

and i ask you questions 

cause it’s hard for me to know, too

just what you’re thinking

it’s like im looking at me 

& id rather talk about my sisters 

about work and music

and all the places we need to go 

& how we’re gonna make to make it there 

but you sit and stare

until i talk about me