can i find that deep breath?
that smell
that sigh of relief-
when my legs start feeling it
my heart is steady
i feel like a deer
or an animal probably less graceful
but belonging in the woods
with the mud, with the quiet
with the blur of summer
smoothing over me
it’s like right under my skin
like can you see it
can everyone see it
embarrassed, annoyance, pain
i’m running now
i’m running again
finally
i’m finally able to breathe as deep as i need to
gasp as much as i need to-
feel the pain in my chest
how much it hurts
and how deep the hurt is
nov 15
pink and clay
sand and bright blue
turquoise, like your spirit
pricked by the agave
my bruises make sense
my cuts are from something
my scars are faded
i wonder if anyone sees them
do they make me tough
or make me weak
hold me up to the light
this is me, this is me
i don’t have more
i’ve told all my stories
my head feels inside out
you can see anything
aug 7
the air feels different
the heat feels different
my body feels humid, heavy, sad
the buzz of electric anger, energy
adrenaline blur
yelling til my voice was gone
up all night with widest eyes
every car was terror
every face was a question
is this a nightmare
is this a dream
growth won’t be taken away
everyone will remember your name
but shouldn’t have to
you are not a martyr
you are not a hero
you were a man that deserved to live
your life was meant to be long
it was meant to be full
quiet, known by a few
maybe ending in gentle old age
with only a few saying your name
everything changed
after you were killed
and it never should have
i know things grow
from death and decay
that the earth moves on
roots develop
green pushes up, out of soil
that is made up of past
made up of fallen, curled up
decomposing plants
that used to bear fruit
i know things grow
from death and decay
everything changed
after you were killed
and that never should have happened
you are still sunshine
it looks different,
filtered through the water
you carry music. passing out beers.
your laugh scatters
on the first summer night.
no time, but we made time
we didn’t know it was the last.
dig in the dirt, laugh about the past
all your dreams and plans
all the places you need to skate
you provoke the ones you love
to see them learn to fight. i feel that
you chose a plant for your mama
god that made you smile.
it’s still sitting in your backyard.
flame red orange coleus.
don’t wait til i’m dead
to put me on a t-shirt
well it seems there was no time
no time, no time
this garden is yours
your spirit is all over
a permanent imprint
your laugh scatters
i know zoe’s tears won’t stop
because she kind of raised you
the dogs already miss you
we can’t reach your friends
where’s cam?
was that the last time he saw you?
planting in our garden.
i saw you skate by just yesterday
blasting your music
i jumped up and waved
i should have yelled your name.
where are you, sunshine
where are you, sunshine boy
you’re in the river
she said you’re in the river
that can’t be
where are you sunshine?
you gotta play a show this friday
you’ll let us in for free.
they can’t find you though.
“i’m waiting for him to walk in & say
he had the craziest fuckin night.”
they can’t find you
where are you sunshine boy?
push your finger through me
i have become liquid
i am cloud on the horizon
pink from dust
push your finger through me
i have become empty and slow
the pain has leaked out
the expectation low
i am left with a window
look through it
and see
i heard the sound
the sound of my spirit
cold air
stillness never noticed
calm, quiet
the moon is motionless
stars hang, waiting, watching
i heard the sound
the sound of my spirit
and it’s hurting
alley as long as a train,
lights over most of it
the squares, cracks, gravel, pavement
i’ve ran freely and angry,
fuming and manic,
crying and laughing
me and my love have walked
and fought
and picked flowers
and gathered stuff
out of the trash
we’ve walked and talked
looked forward
avoided each other’s eyes
held hands
it’s different in the dark
maybe more familiar
one of the many roads we’ve walked
we’ll walk so many more
did you know that mothers
maybe touch the deepest
feel your heartbeat, still
feel you kick against
your surroundings
did you know that mothers
maybe hurt you the most
hit you where you feel it
deep down, in the space
where your lovable self is
where your heart beats
on the edge of 28 years
it’s a little achy
i hold my breath in, even slightly
even when i’m relaxed
i’ve wanted to be older
i’ve thanked the stars,
shocked that i’m here another year
and i want to be here every year
but it still feels strange
and i still don’t like my birthday
but i want it
it’s uncomfortable, all the love
the words, the attention
lucky to have it, many dont
it’s just what i want, what i don’t want
just what i need
but i don’t need anything
when you touch me,
my earth cracks
my muscles breathe
my heart beats
when you love me,
it shocks me
you are love-
but i’m shocked it’s me here
in your waterfall
splashing my face
in that healing
that safety
i can’t think about getting older
i can’t think about one of us leaving
because neither one of us would be okay
a permanent change
i could build a life, make a way
find beauty and experience
the way you’ve taught me so much about
but i think about that,
and i feel the earth flip
i already feel the wound,
that’s bigger than the sky
you walk softly
i was drunk
i don’t give a fuck
i will not open up
